Losing friends is part of life and it can be a difficult time to get through. It almost seems worse when the cause of that loss is something that can’t be controlled. For women with depression, symptoms and assumed personality traits can turn others away.

Many people attempt to surround themselves with happy-go-lucky and positive individuals. Sometimes those traits don’t coincide with depression, and the depressed person suffers from not only symptoms, but social isolation. Experts and fellow depression sufferers give their tips on how to cope with losing friends and relationships because of depression.

Lesli Doares, a marriage therapist and author, said in an email, women who have depression should first work on managing their symptoms and taking care of themselves. They also need to keep the people in their lives informed on what’s going on with their lives and their depression, and realize that they have to put some effort into all those relationships.

“Share your symptoms and how best to handle them with the important people in your life,” Doares said. “Don't make it hard for them to [be] part of your life. You need to be able to be a friend/partner for them at times too.”

Although effort is necessary, Karen Sherman, a psychologist, suggests in an email that women with depression should also not blame themselves.

“Depression is not your fault - it is an illness,” Sherman said. “If someone close to you isn't able to deal with your depression, it doesn't mean they don't love you ... it means they feel helpless in knowing how to respond to it. Seek out those who can.”

Maureen Daniek, a life transition coach, said in an email that losing friends while depressed can be a normal process.

“When people are depressed, it is common for others to back away,” Daniek said. “Know that it is OK if you are not able to give much right now to others; when we are depressed we don't have the energy or initiative to reach out and be ‘upbeat.’ Know that your energy will return as the depression lifts.”

Although there are multiple sayings supporting the idea that true friends will stay through thick and thin, forgiveness can be key.

“Try to part with the friend on good terms and be forgiving of them - as you feel better, the relationship may be re-established,” Daniek said.

It’s also OK to feel bad after a friend is lost – it’s not a sign of weakness.

“Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of their support - you may go through periods of sadness, anger, bargaining, disappointment and emptiness as you work through the grieving process,” she said. “Join a support group of others struggling with depression for social connection and emotional support.”

Seif-Eldeine Och, a self-improvement blogger, poet and previous depression sufferer, said in an email that once depression sufferers work on themselves, they can eventually be in successful relationships and friendships again.

“If your old friendships are still important to you, I suggest you consider what about your condition hurt the feelings of the other person in the relationship,” Och said. “When in depression, realizing how your actions are affecting others is difficult to do. Now you have the time to determine what actions were detrimental to the relationship, apologize for them and discuss how you will act in the future to not go through the same problems.”

Elizabeth Lombardo, a psychologist, physical therapist and author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness," said in an email that depression should not be used to define a person because depression can change that person.

“If you are the one with depression whose friend broke up with [you], try to understand that it is not because you are worthless, but rather because the depression is making you someone you are not,” Lombardo said.

Sources:
Doares, Lesli. Email interview. July 25, 2011.
Sherman, Karen. Email interview. July 25, 2011.
Daniek, Maureen. Email interview. July 25, 2011.
Och, Seif-Eldeine. Email interview. July 25, 2011.
Lombardo, Elizabeth. Email interview. July 26, 2011.

Reviewed July 27, 2011
by Michele Blacksberg R.N.
Edited by Shannon Koehle