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Is my boyfriend bored of sex with me?

By January 12, 2011 - 9:05pm

Ok, well my boyfriend and I have been dating almost three years and we used to have se almost every day. There isn't anything wrong with it... its great but lately the amount of sex we have is decreasing and its frustrating. Sometimes we'll go without sex for over a week and I know a week isn't that long but it makes me feel insecure about myself. It makes me feel as if he isn't attracted to me anymore.Well, today we were just talking and he said that he hasn't even masturbated in over a week. He just gets bored of masturbating. Then I asked if he was bored of sex and he said it isn't that he is bored, its just that there are times when he doesn't feel like having sex. He says it happens to a lot of guys. But, I still feel insecure and I trust him but I just feel like he really is bored of having sex with me. Also, he says he gets bored of having sex in the same place all the time. Do you think he just hasn't been 'in the mood' or that he is truly bored?

By December 2, 2011 - 5:47pm

Hi curiousxfrustrated,
Having gaps in your relationship of no sex is sometimes normal if you usually have a lot of sex. Both of you sometimes would like to just give your special parts a break from all the action. It happens with me and my boyfriend all the time. Because of my weird work schedule we spend from Friday night to Monday morning with each other. During those days we have sex probably four times per day. Then when I leave for work Monday and come home it's like a whole new household. Neither one of us are really trying to start anything because I get home late (I work 2nd shift) and we're both tired when I get there. When this first began I worried that something was wrong, but I immedately asked my boyfriend and he said he was just getting a breather. Well I always try to be completely understanding with him, and I was in that situation. I didn't mind him needing a breather because we do have a lot of sex on the weekends. My understanding nature even gets me a treat sometimes...the party will actually continue throughout the week and into the next weekend!

Not having sex should never make you feel bad about yourself, and if it does it means that you probably already felt that way. You should look within yourself a little and try to figure out what has you feeling that way. You could even talk it over with your boyfriend and he may be able to give you some insight. I hope things work out well for you!

December 2, 2011 - 5:47pm
By October 18, 2011 - 4:11am

Dear Alison,
I think what you said about Self-esteem, It gives me a hint of my own problem, since I share the same concern above. My boyfriend also talks to me and open his feelings towards to me, and he also is bore with sex in general. He find nothing productive. I have only been with him 1 year and we are thinking in getting married soon. He is an amazing person, but he claims that sex has never give him any complete satisfaction in his whole life, hence he rarely wants to approach me. We live together, and I do get a lot of jolts when i see him. This is so far a huge concern to me, specially if I am thinking in spending the rest of my life with someone that is not interested in the same way as I m. Any advice will be very much priciest it.
Thank you

October 18, 2011 - 4:11am
By January 13, 2011 - 10:03am

Hi curiousxfrustrated,

From my perspective, the underlying problem lies with this statement: "...makes me feel insecure about myself". Using sex as a way to boost your self-esteem is going to eventually lead to this type of feeling, but the good news is: you have all the power to change this around!

You two sound like you have excellent communication skills, from your boyfriend's openness and willingness to talk with you about his feelings about masturbation, as well as honestly let you know: Hey, sometimes I don't want to have sex! This is such a natural response, and bravo to him for telling you this--I'm sure he is sensing that you are placing all of your self-esteem onto him, instead of taking accountability for it yourself.

Think about it this way: would YOU want your boyfriend to only have sex with you, because he feels insecure and needs "proof" that you love him, or he'll fall apart and blame YOU for not wanting sex one evening, and tell YOU that his self-esteem will plummet if you don't have sex with him? Most people would RATHER have a person WANT to have sex with them out of love, tenderness (or, just horniness), and not because they feel bad about themselves. Your boyfriend most likely wants you to WANT to have sex with him, because of your HIGH self-esteem, because you are confident, in love with him and have lots of raging hormones that you want to share with him. He would also, most likely, rather you find other ways to increase your self-esteem, and not blame him for the lack of it, or feeling insecure.

He did not say he is bored with having sex with you. Men, believe it or not, are actual human beings who have other interests other than just sex. I hope you can find some other interests and things that bring you joy without your boyfriend!

If you know that he is not wanting to openly communicate with you (he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...) because your self-esteem is so low and fragile that you will break if he is honest with you, this is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. You will find that if your entire being is wrapped up in this guys -- self-esteem, self-worth and all-- that he won't be able to communicate openly with you, even when it is an issue that really needs two mature, confident adults.

Find something that bring you joy, makes YOU feel good about YOU. If you want more physical intimacy with your boyfriend, talk about it with him, but don't blame him for taking away your self-esteem...only you can do that.

January 13, 2011 - 10:03am
By January 12, 2011 - 9:07pm

I think he might be saying he's not bored so that he doesnt hurt my feelings because he knows i'll get upset...

January 12, 2011 - 9:07pm

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