During the last weeks of April, ads started to pop up all over the Internet, TV and magazines encouraging daughters to take their mothers out and shower them with jewelry, purses, appliances and other gifts for Mother’s Day on May 12.
But what if your mother has passed away, or what if you’re not even on speaking terms with her? Mother’s Day is not a celebration for all daughters, and experts have some suggestions for emotionally coping with some painful memories.
Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, said in an email that Mother’s Day is all about the positivity surrounding motherhood, which can make it a more challenging time for women at the other end of the spectrum who have tension with their mothers.
“It can lead women with such struggles to feel somehow ‘less,’ and since the relationship with a mother is so primitive, can even bring up older feelings around attachment, and how they view their current relationships,” Durvasula said.
“If a woman is a mother herself and has [a] strained relationship with her mother, it can also put things into stark focus.”
Here are a few coping tips from Durvasula for daughters who have strained relationships with their mothers:
1) “[Talk] about it with trusted friends or with a therapist.”
2) Write in a journal.
3) “[Allow] yourself to mourn a loss or revisit it.”
4) “Don't feel that mother's day has to force your hand to reconciliation. It can be a time of reflection (or perhaps distraction).”
5) Celebrate someone who may have stepped into the role of your mom. Don’t feel like you have to stay boxed inside a Hallmark holiday.
6) If you have children, you can focus Mother’s Day more on your experience as a mother with them.
Here are a few suggestions from Durvasula that may help you cope with the death of your mother :
1) “This can be a time to celebrate good memories, perhaps with siblings or your own children, [by] looking at photos, eating some of her favorite foods, [and] visiting places that were special to her. It can be a real time of tribute.”
2) If your mother passed away recently or the loss was unresolved, it can be helpful to share feelings with other people who knew her, as well as friends and a support network.
Kathleen Shaputis, an author, said in an email that her mother passed away in 1995, and they were best friends. Although the loss still aches, she has two main coping methods that are helpful to her:
1) “I reach out to other women, friends of mine who are mothers, the week before the holiday. I sit and write cards to them, usually funny ones with a note of just how special they are. There is nothing more soothing than reaching out to others when you’re feeling an ache.”
2) “I do something for myself that day, whether it’s taking time to curl up and read a good book or a long, hot bath or a sweet, soothing nap. Same in the kitchen: something special for myself might be a special tea blend for yourself, or a slice of cheesecake from your favorite bakery. Pamper yourself as you would your mom. These are also words I give to my friends in their cards.”
Lauren Napolitano, a licensed psychologist, has some ideas for how daughters can cope with some negative emotions on Mother’s Day.
“Remember that all humans are flawed and that your mother was probably doing the best that she could,” Napolitano said. “Even if she didn't love you in exactly the way that you wanted her to, you have to focus on the positive memories. There were likely moments that were good and happy.”
Although it’s called Mother’s Day, she points out that the whole day doesn’t have to center around your mother. If it’s a difficult task to think about or talk to your mother, there are plenty of options for distractions.
“Get out of the house, take a walk, enjoy the great weather,” Napolitano said. “Your mother, good or bad, made you into the person that you are today. Focus on the present and learning to be the best version of yourself that you can be.”
It can also be helpful to talk to friends who may also have mixed feelings about their relationships with their mothers.
Rhonda Richards-Smith, a licensed psychotherapist, said in an email that Mother’s Day is a perfect time to give the gift of forgiveness if you are having problems with your mother. If your mother has passed away, she suggested honoring her by doing her favorite activities.
Sources:
Durvasula, Ramani. Email interview. April 30, 2013.
Shaputis, Kathleen. Email interview. April 30, 2013.
Napolitano, Lauren. Email interview. April 30, 2013.
Richards-Smith, Rhonda. Email interview. April 30, 2013.
Reviewed May 2, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith