When Does a Child Start to Show Empathy?

By Darlene Oakley HERWriter

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When Will My Child Start to Show Empathy?

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Like most of my articles, this one is inspired by struggles I have with my 6-year-old son. Teaching him to show respect and empathy are even more challenging because my son was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, which means he doesn’t always read or process other people’s reactions or feelings correctly.

For example, it doesn’t matter how many times the dog growls at him for trying to pet her and hug her, he doesn’t take the growl as a sign to stop and actually makes it part of his game.

He laughs even though it would seem very obvious to most observers that people are angry with him or that what he’s done has hurt them. Their blatant displeasure doesn’t make him stop laughing nor does he stop whatever he was doing to make them angry.

He doesn’t seem to grasp that what he’s doing hurts people.

The ability to empathize, or recognize and react positively to someone’s pain, is closely linked to a child’s definition of right and wrong, or morality. I worried that my son was really at the end of his learning on this and that I couldn’t do anything about it.

I also wondered how common this kind of attitude is in children around his age and if I was really expecting him to do something that, developmentally, he just wasn’t capable of doing yet.

Sounded like a perfect article topic to me. Perhaps there’s another bewildered mother out there who is wondering about the same thing.

What is empathy?

To empathize with someone means to understand another person’s feelings or how you would feel if placed in the same situation. In other words, it’s the ability to walk in someone else’s shoes.

For a child to be able to empathize with someone and their situation, they must be aware that others think of themselves similarly to and differently from the way he or she does, and that others have emotions relating to thoughts and images. (1)

Children that have learned empathy “tend to do better in school, in social situations, and in their adult careers. Children and teenagers who have the greatest amount of skill at empathy are viewed as leaders by their peers.” (1)

Children learn empathy through observing and interpreting nonverbal cues from others about their emotions, and as the children learn to regulate their own emotions. (4)

This is a rather tall order for an active little boy who has to work harder to slow down and observe nonverbal cues and to regulate his own emotional responses.

Why does my child not show empathy?

By two or three years of age, your child can empathize with someone who is happy, sad or angry since your child has experienced these emotions.

Your child may struggle with empathy when trying to process more complicated feelings, such as frustration or embarrassment. These are more difficult for your child to identify within herself. This difficulty is typical for toddlers and preschoolers. (3)

Actually, your child won’t have the capacity to completely understand what someone else is feeling or thinking until she is about 6 or 7 years old.(3)

So, truly, this is something that develops over time. I’m sure some of us know adults who have never really completely grasped this concept either.

What can we do as parents to cultivate empathy in our children and give them a better chance at a successful life?

Read my article "4 Strategies to Help Kids Learn Empathy" for some suggestions.

Sources:

1) How Children Develop Empathy. Kutner, Lawrence. PsychCentral. Web. Accessed: Aug 17, 2014.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy/0001234

2) Ages & Stages: Empathy – How to nurture this important gateway to a social and emotional growth. Poole, Carla et. al. Scholastic. Web. Accessed: Aug 17, 2014.
http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/article/ages-stages-empathy

3) Empathy in Children Aged Two to Six. Flatter, Charles. SesameStreet.org. Web. Accessed: Aug 17, 2014.
http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topics/getalong/getalong01

4) Teaching Empathy: Evidence-based tips for fostering empathy in children. Dewar, Gwen. ParentingScience.com. Web. Accessed: Aug 17, 2014.
http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html

5) 8 Ways to Cultivate Empathy in Kids. Forbes.com. Web. Accessed: Aug 17, 2014.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/ashoka/2013/04/29/8-ways-to-cultivate-empathy-in-kids

Reviewed August 21, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.