We were so excited for the birth of our third child. We were days away from my due date. My bags were packed for the hospital. Our other two boys couldn’t wait to see their baby brother. I couldn’t wait to stay at the hospital!
This was no spa resort but it WAS two nights away from home. I may not be having fancy drinks by a pool, but still there would be no one to take care of but myself. Sure, there was some pain and recovery involved, but people would be bringing ME things. And of course I was ready to meet my new son. The labor, his birth, seeing his sweet little face, and the excitement of it all.
My labor went great and our baby was born. As I expected, I had a relaxing time in the hospital. Then it was time to go home. I had a favorite nurse that had taken care of me for both days that I was there. Her name was Annie. She was especially kind and helpful. As I left the hospital, I told her goodbye and could begin to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I was happy to be going home with my family. Why was I feeling this sense of sadness? Then again, there was no Annie to take care of me where I was going.
My husband took a week off from work and we began to get acclimated to life with the new baby. I was physically tired from the lack of sleep, my body was healing and my breasts were crying out for help, “Oh NO, not again!!” Still, it was both of us taking care of the three boys. Things seemed to be going well. Then the day came when my husband had to go back to work. As I watched him drive away, I felt all alone and incredibly sad. This was a feeling that would stay with me for weeks.
I enjoyed being around the kids but I felt this sadness. For me, the entire pregnancy was built up around my baby's birth. Everything that I planned for was over. I should have been happy that the reward, my new son, was here. But I couldn’t get back to feeling like myself. Now that the labor, birth and hospital stay were over, I was back to the hard part, the work.
Did I have Postpartum depression? I was so overwhelmed and sad. Did it mean something? It was not like me to feel this way and I had not felt this way after having my other children. It felt like planning for a vacation trip and how you feel when you are back to work and your fun trip is over, faster than you expected.
Was it hormones? I had heard about the extreme cases when new mothers have thoughts of despair and want to hurt themselves or their babies. Luckily, I was not experiencing feelings like this. But still, something was wrong. There was a cloud hanging over my head.
I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I didn’t want people, even my husband, thinking that I was crazy and couldn’t take care of the kids. I was still a good mom. I could put on a happy face around the kids, but when I was alone, I was gray. I guess the good thing was that by having three boys, I wasn’t alone much.
I am happy to say that it was only about 2 weeks before I was feeling back to myself again. The sadness went away. But it left me wondering if there were other women out there? Were they feeling the same way and, like me, not wanting anyone to know?
I did not make the right decision to handle it by myself and not talk to anyone about it. I was lucky but it could have been worse. By bringing awareness to this topic, we can only help the people that need it.