He wants sex.
She wants love.
At least, that's the word in popular relationship books. But what if the roles are reversed in our relationship, and we are the ones that want sex? What if we are dating a man who is moving a little too slow, and we would like to speed things up? Do men find sexually aggressive women attractive, or is it a turn off?
In 2008, a French study found that women are becoming more “like men” in their sexual relationships, describing them as “sexual predators” because of them having more frequent sex (similar to their male counterparts), as well as being less inhibited overall regarding their sexuality.
There are a few schools of thought regarding who should be the initiator for sex, and much of it really gets back to the basics of what we consider as our “gender roles”. For men who believe that a woman's place is barefoot in the kitchen, he is most likely not the type of man who would appreciate sexual spontaneity initiated by a woman. Other men may be eager to get out of the driver's seat, shouldering all of the responsibility for sex, and would love for their female partner to “put the moves” on them.
Other schools of thought include the idea of “courting”, “acting like a lady” and being graceful, coy and innocent. These “types” of women, says society, should spend their time waiting for a man to show interest, spend time and money courting/dating, and delaying any physical contact until the predetermined number of days/weeks/months have passed in the new relationship.
These schools of thought represent extreme ends of the spectrum, and we must still figure out what we believe makes a good relationship in general, and a fulfilling sexual relationship in particular.
I believe one of the most important aspects of sexuality is the reason or motivation driving this intimate act. Women can have sex for many reasons: physically show their love, feel emotionally connected with a partner, experience physical pleasure, or some combination of these. The reason behind wanting to be sexually assertive/aggressive is equally important. Are you wanting to be the “conqueror” and prove that you are sexually astute (“like a man”)? Or, are you wanting to truly express yourself sexually and let go of inhibitions for a more enhanced and sexually fulfilling experience.
What does it take to “have sex like a man”? If we are talking about the positive aspects of what our male counterparts bring to the (sex) table, a few qualities come to mind: comfort with our body, thinking we look hot naked(!), confidence, some sexual skills or experience. Also included in this list would include overall assertiveness skills, and knowing the difference between being too aggressive or too passive.
As with most things in life, balance is the key. Women are independent, smart and strong, and sexually assertive women are able to choose what, how, where and with whom we want to have sex.
As John Gray (author of the book, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom) said, “when a woman is in control of her [sexual] pleasure, she can enjoy sex even more.”
What are your views of sexually assertive women? What are some ways that women can be sexually assertive, without crossing the line into being sexually aggressive (or sexually too passive)?