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She's the Man: Are Men Attracted to Sexually Assertive Women?

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He wants sex.
She wants love.

At least, that's the word in popular relationship books. But what if the roles are reversed in our relationship, and we are the ones that want sex? What if we are dating a man who is moving a little too slow, and we would like to speed things up? Do men find sexually aggressive women attractive, or is it a turn off?

In 2008, a French study found that women are becoming more “like men” in their sexual relationships, describing them as “sexual predators” because of them having more frequent sex (similar to their male counterparts), as well as being less inhibited overall regarding their sexuality.

There are a few schools of thought regarding who should be the initiator for sex, and much of it really gets back to the basics of what we consider as our “gender roles”. For men who believe that a woman's place is barefoot in the kitchen, he is most likely not the type of man who would appreciate sexual spontaneity initiated by a woman. Other men may be eager to get out of the driver's seat, shouldering all of the responsibility for sex, and would love for their female partner to “put the moves” on them.

Other schools of thought include the idea of “courting”, “acting like a lady” and being graceful, coy and innocent. These “types” of women, says society, should spend their time waiting for a man to show interest, spend time and money courting/dating, and delaying any physical contact until the predetermined number of days/weeks/months have passed in the new relationship.

These schools of thought represent extreme ends of the spectrum, and we must still figure out what we believe makes a good relationship in general, and a fulfilling sexual relationship in particular.

I believe one of the most important aspects of sexuality is the reason or motivation driving this intimate act. Women can have sex for many reasons: physically show their love, feel emotionally connected with a partner, experience physical pleasure, or some combination of these. The reason behind wanting to be sexually assertive/aggressive is equally important. Are you wanting to be the “conqueror” and prove that you are sexually astute (“like a man”)? Or, are you wanting to truly express yourself sexually and let go of inhibitions for a more enhanced and sexually fulfilling experience.

What does it take to “have sex like a man”? If we are talking about the positive aspects of what our male counterparts bring to the (sex) table, a few qualities come to mind: comfort with our body, thinking we look hot naked(!), confidence, some sexual skills or experience. Also included in this list would include overall assertiveness skills, and knowing the difference between being too aggressive or too passive.

As with most things in life, balance is the key. Women are independent, smart and strong, and sexually assertive women are able to choose what, how, where and with whom we want to have sex.

As John Gray (author of the book, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom) said, “when a woman is in control of her [sexual] pleasure, she can enjoy sex even more.”

What are your views of sexually assertive women? What are some ways that women can be sexually assertive, without crossing the line into being sexually aggressive (or sexually too passive)?

Add a Comment3 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

A woman I know at the local brewery and I have taken a year to get to know each other, and have been through a mountain of each other's bullshit. She's also a classic narcissist and wants to be wanted. When I ignore her or talk about other women, her body language increases more openly aggressive towards me. She wants to date others and I've told her to do so. But she doesn't want me to date other women. Women (like men) get to have sex with whom they want to only if the male is willing to reciprocate. The complex and sophisticated social behaviors she exhibits in attempts to control me and my amygdala tells me not to me to not engage. I may want to have sex, but I want no "relationship" with her, only friendship with the benefits of sex. She's negotiated me from day one for relationship by withholding the friendship. I am going to put this baby into a corner and leave her there until she behaves in a way I'm fine with engaging. If that never happens, so be it.

September 4, 2017 - 3:12pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have a issue with women becoming more like men in the bedroom for one reason and one reason only. I love romance. Romance to me means that I'm not searching for a women who wants a one night stand but intimacy on a deeper more connected level. The beauty of being a romantic guy is that many of us seek for a woman who has assertiveness. I want to know what turns you on but also I want to know what makes a experience like sex more lasting, more sensual. It seems like many women are just taking the lets be more like men approach to literally. Don't get me wrong I love it when a woman speaks her mind and I'm not the type that thinks that the opposite sex should belong in the kitchen. The kitchen is where I belong. I'm going to make something to sweep you off your feet. And certain qualities that have been associated with male sexuality are good for a woman to have, like confidence and control of a situation. I even would love for a woman to be romantic back towards me.

March 17, 2011 - 3:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Old thread but just read and have to answer. Women love romance. Someone to play with their hair and cook meals for them. Assertive women wanting forever want that but most dont want to sacrifice the need of possibly having ravishing tense sex by pretending we dont want all . Women need to feel delicate but firmly held while softly touched. If we dont feel that blazing combination some wont waste the time of growing to the point later. Why? Because a lot of men havent stuck through to teach, learn, or experience through with them. If a man really wants a woman he will chase after that. Most are ok with it if the man doesnt call but all want a man to be there to say I want more. Were saying you got a taste, Im sexually satisfied no matter win or loose. But we want you to say I want the romance. But thats me. I dont take my pants off unless Im feeling undenial sexual flustration with a man. I wont stay and beg for the romance. I will take that night to fuel my future days. But I want that man to say I want more n if I find it wasnt all that I still would listen and consider a mans pleas that Im what he wants. Women shouldn't chase a man unless hes your's in my opinion. Once ive fallen then I will lay at your feet begging or standing above demanding. We need that demand of need. Nowdays women have these choices. Before only branded prostitutes got to experiment if a man failed short in areas. If total seduction not achieved or demanded of by the man in their life then how is 1 to know of its existence. Shoot. Some women are still told if they enjoy sex then their whores. But today we have choices. Get ahold of a woman after the one night stand and tell her you want to know when to pull n spank or caress and hand feed her. She will listen.

December 24, 2015 - 9:30pm
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