We needed help. My husband and I had been married for a few years when we sought out professional help. I loved him, but didn't like him very much! Weekend-after-weekend, so many unresolved issues robbed us of any potential for enjoyment, and even in the absence of any "major" relationship issues, we were unable to talk with one another without an argument starting, regardless if the topic was "what should we do for fun today" or "where should we place the new toaster?". We needed help, and I wanted to share with you what I learned, in hopes that it may help others with similar communication stumbling blocks.
1. "I'm not sure why you two are in need of counseling", said our counselor, who was actually surprised that we were in his office. My husband and I were all smiles and happy with each other during our first day of counseling. This facade soon changed, as our "politeness" wore off and our counselor began seeing some of our issues and struggles.
It was helpful to have a trusted counselor provide feedback that we did have a healthy relationship, we loved each other, we have some communication issues and "called us out" individually on changes we needed to make in our listening and communicating. I have always prided myself on my excellent communication skills, but after my husband shared his feelings during a particular counseling session, and the counselor looked at me and asked me to paraphrase what I heard...I realized I had not actually been listening after the first few sentences.
2. "Assume the best". Our counselor quickly realized that I am a "planner", and make decisions based on what possible negative consequences the future might hold. I take calculated risks, and don't enjoy surprises. I can be spontaneous, as long as I trust the person and process. Our counselor said to me, "He (your husband) chose you for a reason. He is here at counseling with you. Have faith in the relationship, work diligently and thoughtfully on using kind words and assuming the best from each other." I was assuming that my husband had poor intentions (due to my misconception that men do not experience the same emotions that women do), and my behavior toward him followed my erroneous beliefs. I needed to hear that relationships ARE inherent risks, men are sensitive, and that yes, this relationship could be a wrong decision, but once I was OK with the possibility of making a mistake, I could be confident in my decision now, as I made it with the best information I had been given.
3. "Be curious". This was perhaps the best advice we have ever received, and works in all facets of our relationship. When I jump to conclusions, "knowing" that he said or did something that he knows I do not like, the conversation quickly becomes accusatory and full of blame or defensiveness. Instead, if I stop myself and act with curiosity, the conversation involves more fact-seeking, understanding and empathy. Being curious has absolutely changed the way we interact with one another, and has lead to a deeper, more meaningful, enriching and interesting relationship!
I would love to hear the best relationship advice you have received, that specifically helped your relationship in an impactful and measurable way!
Next article: What My Husband Learned From Marriage Counseling.