Each Child is Different
When it comes to grieving the death of a parent, children will process and react in different ways depending on their age and development level.
For example, a five-year-old with autism will react and process the situation differently than a non-autistic five-year-old, who will also react differently from an infant or even another five-year-old.
Grief is a Process
Grief really is a process that each child will travel through at his/her own pace, navigating and conquering a series of steps before reaching acceptance and getting used to the “new normal”. There is also no "right" way or "wrong" way to grieve, and “there’s no specific point at which children should be expected to show signs of having coped with the loss of their parent.” (3)
Even those children who weren't close to the parent or loved one who died will experience grief, perhaps because of the uncertainty or any unresolved issues concerning the relationship. (3)
How do Children Express Grief?
Irritability – Infants up to two years don’t have any other way of expressing their feelings except through fussiness. But irritability is also common in children of other ages. It can take the form of temper tantrums, crying episodes that are sometimes inconsolable. It can be fueled by feelings of resentment and abandonment.
Developmental Regression – Children may “retreat” into baby-like behavior such as thumbsucking or wanting to be rocked again. The likely reason for this is that children are trying to incite the parental nurturing and comfort that they crave. (3)
Physiological Changes – These include stomach aches, headaches, rashes, even acid reflux, and bladder or bowel changes such as diarrhea or constipation.
Behavioral Changes – There may be separation anxiety or fear of the dark. The child may not feel like eating or playing, and may have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, or may experience nightmares. Some of these behaviors are classic signs of depression, which is a common response to the death of a loved one. However, if it lasts for more than a month or two, consult your family physician. (2)
In addition to depression, children may also:
• Deny or refuse to believe that the death has actually happened. “Denial may last just a few days or may stretch on for several months. If your preschooler is in denial, don’t pressure her to accept the death. She’ll do that when she’s ready.” (2)
• Look for the deceased parent. At two to three years, children have learned that people who are out of sight can be called back or looked for. “Looking for a parent who has died is a typical expression of grief in this age group. It may take time before a child ... realizes that the parent is not coming back.” (1)
• Express guilt or self-blame. In a preschooler’s mind, the apparent abandonment of a loved one may be seen as a severe punishment for her having done something terribly wrong. It may also indicate to the child that she somehow caused the death. (2)
• Express fear. Many children panic that they or the surviving parent or someone else will die. This may come out in severe separation anxiety, and “may be tied to a particular condition or activity (sickness, driving) that parallels the circumstances surrounding the death.” (2)
• Ask questions. Asking questions is a child’s way of trying to understand what has happened. Because a death of a parent is such a major event in their lives, children will often ask the same questions over and over. (3)
• Express shock. Children may laugh, not because they find the event funny, but because the news is so “unreal” that it can’t be true. Some children sob inconsolably or they may not show any visible emotion at all. Shock “is ... just a way for children to remove themselves from the pain of the circumstances until they’re able to cope with their loss ...” (3)
In addressing the expressions of grief, don’t rebuke your child for her feelings. No matter how much it hurts you to hear her speak ill of the dead or how frustrating it is to repeat the same answers or behaviors, make sure your child has the opportunity and permission she needs to express those feelings. (2)
It is also important to realize that the feelings your young child may be experiencing may not always be obvious. (1)
Sources:
1. Hospice: When a Parent Dies A Guide for Patients and their Families. Cancer Society of New Zealand. Web. Mar 18, 2013.
http://www.hospicenet.org/html/parent.html
2. Helping Your Child Deal with the Death of a Parent. FamilyEducation.com. Web. Mar 18, 2013.
http://life.familyeducation.com/death-and-dying/toddler/53891.html
3. Death of a Parent – Saying Good-Bye to Mommy or Daddy. Dawson, Diana. ElderCare Online. Web. Mar 18, 2013.
http://www.ec-online.net/Library/grief-loss/parent.html
Reviewed March 20, 2013
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith