Interdependence with close friends and spouses is healthy. A shoulder to cry on, offered by a person with whom we can be ourselves, helps to establish the emotional security we need to face the world.
However, some habits and relationships are detrimental. When we continually return to emotionally withholding friends, are addicted to approval or constantly find ourselves entangled in the problems of others, we may be emotionally dependent.
Webster’s defines "neediness" as “marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support.” Here are some examples of neediness, and some empowering practices for setting yourself free.
1) Mean Girls
PROBLEM: You find yourself stuck in a group of unsupportive friends. They are condescending or dismissive, often saying, “Oh, that is so like you,” or “There you go again.” They cast knowing glances at one another when you speak.
There’s a saying, “Before you decide you’re depressed, make sure you aren’t just surrounded by a$$holes.”
SOLUTION: Surround yourself with healthier women. Find a cause you care about. Volunteer for a non-profit, a political campaign or at the library. People working together for a common purpose have less time for backbiting and pettiness.
Still finding yourself among the meanies? Keep looking. Join a community sport or fitness class, book club or professional organization. Don’t settle for dysfunction.
2) Longing for Approval
PROBLEM: Is the need for approval defining how you relate to the world?
On the extroverted end of the spectrum are those who tend to be a bit braggy, regaling people with their accomplishments and dropping names.
On the introverted end, perhaps you repeatedly ask your partner for affirmation of his love and attraction to you. You hesitate to express unpopular opinions, or you accept lower pay than you’re worth.
SOLUTION: Look inward instead of outward. Honestly assess your abilities. Update your resume, sign up for a class, toss old clothes, exercise and eat healthy. Do the next right thing in every situation. There is a saying, “If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things.”
It is false modesty to downplay your value and accomplishments. But neither should you go to the other extreme, padding your resume or subjecting people to tales of your greatness and influential connections.
Approach salary negotiations with aplomb by presenting evidence of the market value of your skills and experience. Never make apologies for your worth.
3) Negative Self-talk
PROBLEM: If a friend said the things you say to yourself you’d sever all ties. “You’re so stupid.” “You’re fat and ugly.” “What a stupid mistake.” But some of us say these things to ourselves on a daily basis.
SOLUTION: Examine your self-talk for negativity. Immediately replace a derogatory statement with an affirmation.
4) Loneliness
PROBLEM: Time alone makes you uncomfortable. You fill up time with phone calls, texts and Internet surfing.
SOLUTION: Practice mindfulness by living in the present moment. Sit quietly when feelings of loneliness arise. Listen to the rain on the roof, cars driving by, the sound of your dog scratching at the door. Be non-judgementally aware of your thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Embrace solitude.
5) Family Dysfunction
PROBLEM: Spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said, “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Enough said.
SOLUTION: Seek counseling or spiritual direction to heal any brokenness from your family of origin. If you find yourself controlled and verbally abused by a narcissistic or sociopathic parent, learn to create the boundaries you need to remain your authentic, healthy self.
6) Never Getting to 'No'
PROBLEM: We say yes more than we should. We hate to disappoint others (recall the need for approval). Feeling indispensable is an ego boost. We end up overcommitted and overstressed.
SOLUTION: Avoid making commitments off the cuff. Phrases such as “Let me think about it,” “I need to check my schedule,” or “I’ll let you know tomorrow,” give you permission to weigh the pros and cons of potential commitments and make better choices.
7) Gossip
PROBLEM: We gossip in an attempt to form alliances or to prove our own superiority by pointing out the failings of others. Perhaps we seek justification or sympathy. Any time we speak ill of someone who isn’t present, that’s gossip.
SOLUTION: Gossip will call into question your trustworthiness and ability to keep confidences. When speaking about someone who isn’t present, use only positive terms. Let people form opinions of others based on their own experiences.
8) Triangulation
PROBLEM: You are drawn into family and relationship dramas, called upon by one person to engage in their problems with someone else. “Can you talk to her?” We are attracted by the drama, we are flattered to be consulted.
Gossip becomes triangulation when we are enlisted by a friend or loved one to engage a third party. When we engage in triangulation, we triple the drama in our life. Suddenly, we begin feeling the emotions of other people’s problems.
SOLUTION: Be very cautious when a friend or family member puts herself in a victim role and asks you to save her. She may be recruiting you as a flying monkey. Politely decline the offer.
Feeling better already? Just like you shower and brush your teeth every day, good emotional hygiene, practiced daily, is the foundation for balanced mental and emotional health.
Be well.
Edited by Jody Smith