Many parents dread the co-called “talk” when it comes to educating our children about sex, sexuality and sexual health. But there should never be the need for a big talk in the first place. Take this role on early so the talk will never be an issue.
If your kids want to know how their brains and bellies work, why shy away from reproduction? You’ll be glad you talked about it early.
It’s sensible, practical and there’s no embarrassment in children who are too young to have been negatively influenced by society's hangups about sex and the human body.
When the practicalities are done, however, many teens and preteens get embarrassed about sexual health and sexuality. It’s normal and it’s OK.
For the physical stuff, there are charts and there’s science and biology to help. It’s the feelings and the talk about birth control and prevention and diseases and potential abuse that teens have a hard time talking with their parents about.
It can be tempting to read off a teleprompter in your brain, in order to get the information out and over with. But sexual health encompasses both physical and emotional factors and there is no rule book.
Regardless of your sons’ and daughters’ interest in having or not having sex, they still need to talk. Because one way or another, they are thinking about it, hearing about it and soaking it all in.
Healthy Children.org recommends preparedness, honesty and an ability to listen when it comes to this kind of dialogue. We need to remember that we are talking about general health and sexuality, not ours or theirs (at least not in any kind of detail).
Parents don’t need to know if their pre-teens and teens are masturbating. And parents shouldn’t overshare. Boundaries need to be kept. Don't weird your kids out!
But talking is necessary. Open communication between parent and teen is key. An article from Healthy Children, called How to Talk About Sex with Your Teen, says that “while teens need privacy, they also need information and guidance from parents.
If your teen doesn't want to talk with you about sex and tells you that it's none of your business, be firm and say that it is your business. Your teen should know that you're asking out of love and concern, especially because there are potentially harmful situations. If your teen is quiet when you try to talk about sex, say what you have to say anyway. Your message may get through.”
EmpowHER has a very busy section on its website called Sex 101. Here, thousands of teens have posted questions about their stresses and worries about sex and their sexual health. From feeling pressured to have sex to fears of pregnancy and STIs, it’s clear that a troubling number of American teens and adults have no sex ed whatsoever, and are not able to communicate with their parents.
Parents need to put their discomfort and embarrassment aside. While teens should know about sex, they should also know that they are under no obligation to have sex with anyone, at any time. Parents and peers should stress this.
Nobody is under any obligation to have sex, and abstaining as a teen is an excellent choice for many. No pregnancy fears, no fears of disease or infection and no drama. Sex at sixteen shouldn’t be the cool thing to do simply because of what's on TV or social media.
But if a teen wants to have sex, there isn’t a lot that can be done to stop them, short of keeping them indoors. Condoms should be considered mandatory. This is where discussions about birth control and personal responsibility come in.
Teens should understand that with sex comes great responsibility. Adult behaviors carry adult challenges. Teens can get pregnant, they can get incurable STDs like herpes, HPV or even HIV. They can get infections like chlamydia that can cause infertility. Offer your teens this information and explain the seriousness of pregnancy and disease.
Boys also need to know how getting a girl pregnant will negatively affect them (child care, putting college on hold, working full time to provide for the child). Boys must be held responsible, too. Teach both sexes about self-control, self-respect and personal responsibility.
Dating violence among teens has always existed. Now that people are more aware of this, make sure teens know that no amount of abuse, whether psychological, physical or sexual is ever OK. Parents should model good relationship behavior themselves.
Sex is fun until it isn’t. And minds that have not matured should not be engaging in adult activities until they are ready. Teens wouldn’t head down the highway without driving lessons and a test, and they shouldn’t be engaging in sex while unprepared, either.
Books, websites like EmpowHER, and even their own pediatricians can help teens understand how sex works. The emotional aspect is also essential . This is where group education (especially single sex peer groups) can allow teens to talk amongst themselves without feeling embarrassed or pressured.
Our Sex 101 section can be found here and is an excellent resource for teens and young adults: https://www.empowher.com/condition/sex-101
AdvocatesForYouth.org states that peer-led groups, where well-educated, responsible peer leaders talk with other young adults about sexual health and sexuality, are powerful tools to help kids grow and mature.
The advocacy group says that “numerous studies have demonstrated that their peers influence youth's health behaviors — not only in regard to sexuality but also in regard to violence and substance use.
“Peer education draws on the credibility that young people have with their peers, leverages the power of role modeling, and provides flexibility in meeting the diverse needs of today's youth. Peer education can support young people in developing positive group norms and in making healthy decisions about sex."
Always leave the door open to your kids about sex and sexual health. Instill your own values in your children, but let them know that if anything ever goes wrong — if they mess up or are hurt — that you’ll always be there for them.
We hear too many stories of dating violence, newborn babies in high school bathrooms, and teen suicide. The more open we are with our kids, the more trust they’ll have in us.
There are many ways for our children to learn about sex and sexual health . Many of those ways are outdated, irresponsible and just plain bad.
This isn’t an easy topic for adults or teens alike. Don’t alienate your child with silence, embarrassment, assumptions or threats. Make sure that when your teen has a question or a problem that it’s you they turn to, not against.
Sources:
Healthy Children.org. How to Talk About Sex with Your Teen. Web. Retrieved August 1st.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Page...
Advocates For Youth. Working with Youth. Peer Education. Web. Retrieved August 1st. 2015.
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/workingwithyouth/43?task=view
Reviewed August 4, 2015
by Michele Blacksberg RN