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Boyfriend thinks you should be conservative in sex while in a relationship

By Anonymous October 18, 2010 - 10:01pm
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Before me and my boyfriend became official, we had sex frequently. Now that we have been together for almost a year, we don't....I joke around saying how he needs to have more sex with me and he replied that you should be conservative with your girlfriend. He loves having sex with me but only has sex with me about once maybe twice a week. I am so frustrated about this because I have never had this problem in the past with other men as they were all over me. He masturbates pretty much everyday and I jokingly mentioned he would rather jack off then have sex with me. He told me that he didn't want to use me to just relieve himself that he rather have sex with me because he wants me. I am just so annoyed at this situation because I mention it a lot and he still doesn't have sex with me that often. I feel compelled to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I even told him that I was going to cheat on him if he didn't start having sex with me but I know he really did not believe me. I don't know what to do or what's wrong.

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Another thought for you-- why do you want to have sex more than twice per week? I know it's a strange question...but have you actually thought about this as a starting place for communication with your boyfriend?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or having sex frequently, but I just wanted to add another thought-provoking question for you, as some women do want sex more frequently because they feel that is the only physical intimacy, unconditional love or undivided attention that they receive from their partner. If your partner wants sex twice a week (and that is, quite frankly, a pretty good deal!), and you are wanting sex more...are there other ways that he can show you his love for you, his undivided attention, his emotional and physical connection with you other than "just" sex?

Many couples do experience more infrequent sex as they move into a long-term relationship, mostly due to the fact that there are so many other things to do! Lots of people actually do not have time to have sex every day, and couples are finding that being physically intimate in other ways, and having intercourse once or twice per week is mutually satisfying. Individuals also have work, school, hobbies, sports, going out with friends or family, alone time, chores and bills.. all of these things leave little time for frequent sex once you have a mature and established relationship.

Just food for thought, as every couple is different!

I actually liked your boyfriend's response, as it is healthy for men to masturbate. It's quick, there is no one else to perform for our "please", and then they can get on with their day. When he chooses to have sex with you, he wants to be with you emotionally and physically. Men can masturbate without thinking and with no emotional connection (of course!), and its really quite healthy. His masturbating has nothing to do with you; he is not making a choice between you and masturbating. He is choosing to be with you, and maybe you might want to consider masturbating on your "off" days, too?

Lastly, do you have other hobbies, friends, family and activities that you find enjoyable? Some women also are dependent on their partner for their emotional and physical needs that they kind of wait around for them, without finding their own joys and excitement in life. I'm just asking, because threatening to cheat on him sounds like you may be depending on him too much to meet all of your needs, and maybe you could fulfill some of your own needs for pleasure (sports, arts, crafts, time with friends, dance, exercise, hobby) that do not involve your boyfriend?

October 19, 2010 - 2:07pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Good points, Alison. Definitely gives some food for thought.

October 19, 2010 - 2:45pm

Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for your question and for finding EmpowHER. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are having a bit of sexual incompatibility. I would like to mention, that the teasing is obviously getting you nowhere fast. Have you tried initiating sex with him on the "off days"? If you show him that you want him, and entice him to have sex more often, or play fun, then maybe he'll come around to your side of the thinking on it. Otherwise, you may need to move on. You have options, and that's a good thing. You know what you want (respect yourself, cheating is not an option). You have every right to be in a relationship that is satisfying for you emotionally and physically. If he's not the one, he's not the one--it's not the end of the world. Be glad you're not married to him yet, you're not committed, just dating. If you need more support in this area, let us know.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

October 19, 2010 - 1:24pm
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