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Girlfriend's Sex Drive has gone

By Anonymous May 31, 2009 - 4:10am
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Hi I am a 30 year old guy, my girlfiend is 28 and we've been going out for just over a year now. For the first 6 months, we only used to see eachother every 3 - 4 weeks and had great sex and a lot of it but since we moved in with eachother about 4 months ago our sex life has drastically changed and now we only have sex once or twice a month. This is not enough for me and one of the reasons I moved up to be with her was so we could have a normal intimate relationship. She doesn't want me anywhere near her in that sense especially if I try to kiss her or initiate anything. She isn't a touchy - feely type and hasn't been like that from day one so I've got used to that but what is really starting to depress me and makes me think I'm not good enough for her is that she tells me she's always had a high sex drive with previous boyfriends and has been often told it's too high. I don't understand why things are different with me.

She did have an abortion about 6 months ago and although this was a mutual decision I think she still blames me for not supporting her enough even though I was there with her every step of the way. She did have councelling but only one session and I think she may have needed more but she refused to have any more.

She likes me giving her massages and stoking her but that's pretty much it - if I try anything else she shouts at me for pushing her. I've learnt to totally back off and although this has been hard I'm willing to do this as I really love her and I am sure she feels the same way about me. We've talked about it and she does have a lot on her mind at the moment but I am worried there is always going to be a reason for us not having a healhty sex life. I wouldn't cheat on her and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her but this this is silently destroying my self-esteem and confidence.

I don't know what else to do? Will things get better in the longterm? Please help!


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Dear Anon, may I ask you why you moved in with your girlfriend? Was it because you felt this relationship would evolve into a more serious commitment? Was it guilt about the abortion? or Was i about financial advantages?

You are not in this age category but a recent study revealed that two-thirds of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, citing the lack of commitment required as the main advantage to such an arrangement. Is it possible that both of you may be in this category? Was the decision to move in together more more than a reason to be closer and have more sex?

I am not an expert but from what I understand about relationships it appears to me that generally men are more fearful of choosing the wrong woman to commit to than they are of commitment itself. The fear is finding themselves "locked" down - legally or logistically - when the "real" thing comes along. The logic among men is simple: it's hard to find the love of your life when you are already married. Are you planning to marry this woman? Have you talked about this possibility?

You did not mention anything about your desires to settling down with a her, but let's assume that it has crossed your mind when you made the decision to move in with her. I am wondering if you are not feeling confident in your choice of her as a potential wife (or viceversa). In addition, you both share a tough decision (the abortion) which may need months of healing and couseling for both of you. Whose idea was to have the abortion? Is she blaming you for not preventing it and instead she may have expected to get a ring and a date?

It also sounds to me that both are experiencing a sense of realization that your may not be meant for each other, at least not at this time. And although living together is a low risk proposition for both, you may want to consider giving yourselves some space. If you think you love this woman, staying together will allow you to know her more closely as the partner you will have for the rest of your life, if that is your intent. But if you have not talked about marriage by now, one of you has an already seeded fear that this relationship will not work out which in a way was confirmed by the mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. You both need to be honest and talk about any fears and individual expectations about this relationship to be built on a stronger ground.

Sex is not everything when two come together to "experiment" with a life that requires a deeper commitment at all levels of your being. You can choose to reach out to her and encourage dialogue, you can pretend nothing is wrong, or you can continue feeling inadequate about your manhood. The decision to build a healthy or toxic relationship belongs to both of you. I also think that counseling may help, but she needs to come to terms with the termination of the pregnancy which is a traumatic event for many females and has a potential to leave an emotional scar.

June 3, 2009 - 10:05pm

One other thought, after re-reading your question.

You mentioned that she may need more counseling, but have you both considered couples counseling? It may help to go for a few sessions, and many times your insurance covers part/all of the costs (without your employer knowing).

Are you both open to this?

May 31, 2009 - 6:31am

Hi RJ,

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. From your description, it does sound like there is a lot of emotional "stuff" going on in your relationship right now, and not (as your title suggests) a "lack of sex drive" in your girlfriend.

I am going to forward your question to one of our experts, and hopefully you can receive some helpful information soon.

In the meantime, I can suggest "reframing" your relationship with your girlfriend, and be her support. She is obviously still very upset, so that is the number 1 issue to deal with---the intimacy and sex portion may have to wait until your girlfriend feels emotionally understood, safe and nurtured. I know that's difficult to hear (I am a Health Educator, not a Psychologist...please know this), because it sounds like you are trying to comfort her, while also regaining some sense of normalcy in your relationship, but perhaps she is not ready for this normalcy yet. She may still be in the grieving process, from many different aspects of what the abortion means. The process of the abortion itself is traumatic, but then also the hormones in her body from the pregnancy can take a toll, then she is not pregnant and her body is re-adjusting the hormone levels (this happens quickly). The emotional part, however, may not happen as quickly. Even if she was 100% wanting an abortion, it is still difficult to deal with, and may take some time. She may even be upset with you for how you did/did not handle the situation (fair or not).

This is also a very new relationship, as moving in together can be difficult, especially when the two people were living independently for some time before. Then, throw in an unwanted pregnancy, a big decision was made, and there was not a strong foundation in place on which to fall back on; you both were in the process of building that foundation. She may just be trying to find her ground, and you can help her.

I also realize you need your needs met with an intimate relationship (and I'm not referring to just sex, you say you really do love her). That's what I would be interested in hearing from an expert: how to help her emotionally, while you also can feel secure and loved, too.

May 31, 2009 - 6:09am
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