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I don't even know where to start.. I fell in love for the first time with a man while i was in college.. to cut the story short, he cheated on me and had about a 1 month affair with another girl about 7 months in our relationship. My heart was broken, shattered, and i'm afraid it still is. He begged and begged for a second chance and i did. It's been a year since the incident and i'm ashamed to say that my heart is still broken. I feel like i should have forgotten about all of this already, but there are times when it just pops into my head, i want to be able to forget everything so that we can both start our lives over and be in love again. I don't know how to heal my broken heart, and no matter how hard i try i just can't let go of the past and what he did. What am i supposed to do? Time may heal the pain, but in the meantime this issue i have is just ruining whatever's left of the relationship we have together. I don't know what else i can do.
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Pineapple Ninja,
I too am so sorry that this happened to you. And Susan gave you wonderful advice. I wanted to add one short thing.
While I certainly don't agree with everything Dr. Phil says, I saw a show he did with couples like you -- couples where one partner had cheated and the other was having a lot of trouble "getting over it." He said two things that really stuck with me:
1. You will not start to "get over it" until your partner really, truly understands how hurt you were. I mean, he really has to Get It. Not just a little bit, but totally. He has to understand how hurt you were, in your soul, and he needs to know all the ways in which that changed you.
2. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. In other words, a large part of your building trust in your partner again has to do with how transparent of a life he leads. His life should be an open book to you, without any resentment or anger.
I'm not sure you can or should ever "forget" about something like this. As Susan said, cheating on someone 7 months into a relationship is pretty unforgiveable. And of course it makes you worry about the future -- what happens if you stay together and further on down the road, things get difficult. Will he look outside the relationship again?
Only he can help you move through this journey, by taking to heart how you felt and how you feel now, and by living a transparent life. Is he trying to do that? Or do you feel that you're the one doing all the work here?
May 20, 2010 - 8:42amThis Comment