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Healing a broken heart

By May 19, 2010 - 2:32am
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I don't even know where to start.. I fell in love for the first time with a man while i was in college.. to cut the story short, he cheated on me and had about a 1 month affair with another girl about 7 months in our relationship. My heart was broken, shattered, and i'm afraid it still is. He begged and begged for a second chance and i did. It's been a year since the incident and i'm ashamed to say that my heart is still broken. I feel like i should have forgotten about all of this already, but there are times when it just pops into my head, i want to be able to forget everything so that we can both start our lives over and be in love again. I don't know how to heal my broken heart, and no matter how hard i try i just can't let go of the past and what he did. What am i supposed to do? Time may heal the pain, but in the meantime this issue i have is just ruining whatever's left of the relationship we have together. I don't know what else i can do.

Add a Comment11 Comments

tiggy68, thanks so much for your comment, i can totally relate, i hope your counseling helps, don't give up! I know i wont.

Alison Beaver, thanks for your advice, however i won't be able to afford counseling at this time, perhaps sometime in the future.. until then i'm really trying to stay positive and keep a clear mind, and my boyfriend is helping me do that.

pacedlive27, thanks for your time... though i could have just called my mother and gotten the same response. Don't you think i've heard that before?? i went back to him and gave him a second chance when EVERYONE was against it. I didn't start this post so people would tell me to give up on it. I wanted advice on how to get over things like this, and maybe if other people have experienced the same they could tell me how they dealt with it. If counseling is what it will take, then counseling we will get, though in the meantime i'll just have to tough it out until i have the money. Yes i know that there is the risk of him cheating on me again, and if he does i will leave. Now it's been some time since everything has happened, about a year now, and i really think that he is a changed man, i really do. Thanks everybody for your comments and advice, i think that starting this post has helped me think about a lot of things.

May 29, 2010 - 1:56pm

I hope my reply will give our friend the courage to move on and take care of herself. She doesn't need to hurt anymore.
Thanks Alison for your kind words.

May 28, 2010 - 5:04pm

You r still young and have your future to take care of, don't get stuck in a relationship that is making you sad and unhappy. Leave while you can, go back to school, build yourself up, you are the only one who is in control of your life. He cheated once he might cheat again and whenever you cry he will say I hurt you. He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Take care of you and you will find that someone who deserves your love. Life is short don't waste your precious time. Good luck my dear. I wish you all the best.
One last note, the feelings of the first love is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. So let it be, and move on without him.

May 27, 2010 - 6:15pm
(reply to paced2live27)

Thank you for your great words of wisdom.

May 27, 2010 - 7:20pm

I'm aching just listening to you. I feel the same way. I am with a man who lied to me a long time ago (not about a woman), and now I am terrified that he'll do it again. We had to struggle to be together and it left me broken. I have never been the same. He is the love of my life, but I feel so alone sometimes with the constant pain. We have a great relationship, but I do have trouble keeping from dragging up the past. After reading your story, I feel less alone in that someone knows how I feel every day. I occasionally go on meds to cope when other things in life make it all add up to too much. Let me know if you want to talk. I am 42 and feel that I should be able to get over this, but can't on my own. I am now getting counseling.
Wishing you comfort...

May 27, 2010 - 4:19pm
(reply to tiggy68)

Please let us know how your counseling is going, and if you feel like it is helpful!

May 27, 2010 - 7:20pm

I don't know really.. i've never done counselling,.. does it cost a lot of money? because i don't have a lot of money.. really what i wish i could do is just take a time machine back to before it all happened so i could maybe stop it from ever happening, but i know i can't do that.. i really don't know what i'm going to do... be sad all the time i guess? I guess i know what i should have done. I know that once i found out that i should have just gotten rid of him and forgotten about it and gotten on with my own life. But something told me not to, something very strong inside me told me to just give him a second chance, and going with my gut instinct i did. And now i'm stuck i guess.. im just plain lost, and i'm starting to get frustrated about it.

May 27, 2010 - 12:42pm

It does sound like counseling, either individual or couples or both, would be ideal for you. He is saying that he wants to move past this issue, and I would think he would want to...much easier said on his part, than done on your part! You may never be able to "get past this", and certainly will never be able to completely "forget" what happened.

You do have choices to make, and you can feel empowered (and not a victim) by your choices. You can decide to stay with him and let time heal your hurt; you can decide to stay with him as long as you and/or you both receive counseling; you can decide to "get past this" and "move on"...but on your own. These are all great choices, and only you can decide; the decision can be day-by-day, too.

I wish you the best, and like you said...you can't control your dreams or nightmares, and you can't control your emotions. You can manage your emotions, focus on the positive, and get some extra support through counseling or a support group. Let us know if you would like help in finding either of these resources.

Please don't be hard on your self that you "should" be over this, or be able to move on. You might not be able to with him. That is OK. It is not your fault, and is a choice he made while now expecting you to live with the impact. I also do not think I would be the type of person who would be able to "move on" and "forget"; I totally get when you said "it's haunting me", and I am so sorry.

What do you think your choices are from this point forward?

May 23, 2010 - 1:26pm

Hi Susan,
yes i know that getting married and having kids at this time would only make the situation more complicated, i'm smarter than that. I'm not really sure i'll be finishing college.. maybe in a few years i might go back to school for something different.
Whenever i bring up the issue he'll say things like "it's time to move on, its been a while now, we should be able to get over this". However when the situation gets worse and i cry or get really upset, he'll say "i'm sorry i hurt you so bad, it's my fault, you're right you should feel this way for what i did to you"...

I try really, really hard not to think about it, but for an example even last night i had a nightmare that we were in a bar and sitting at different tables, and i could see him with someone else.. the situation is haunting me, literally. It's taking all of my willpower to stay postive, but i can't really control my dreams, the thoughts just tend to sneak up on me sometimes..

May 23, 2010 - 10:08am

Thanks for your comments,

I'm quite sure he has taken the responsibilty of hurting me.. many times i've woken up during the night with the topic on my mind and i can do nothing but cry. He's told me that it was the worst mistake he has ever done and he's unsure he can even forgive himself for it. I truly believe that he is a changed person, the only thing is that i'm not sure if he is still the man that i fell in love with in the beginning. Leaving him would break him apart and i still love him enough to stay. He's told me that its time to move on, that it should have been forgotten by now. Before i found out about everything, i always had the butterflies being in his presence and the most depressing thing is that i don't get those butterflies anymore. He is an extremely passionate person and i think that's what draws me to him, even now. I was so intoxicated with him, i was so so in love that i would do anything to get those butterflies back, it was amazing i thought i was in a fairytale, i never thought that anyone would love me for ME, and he did.
The worst thing i haven't said is that it happened in my first year of college during final exams, and he was about to graduate. Also two days before i had found out about the affair, i had also discovered that i was adopted, my whole life was flipped upside down, i coudln't look into a mirror and know exactly who i was anymore. I was lost.. He had the affair with a girl i absolutely hated and i still hate her. I dropped out of college, because i couldn't go back there and stand to see her face again. I couldn't imagine what anger would burst out of me if i ever saw her in person. Even though i know it wasn't her fault, it was his.. After college i left my parents' home and i moved to a different province to be with my boyfriend so we could try and work things out together, and still here i am, a full year has gone past and i'm still trying to 'work things out'. There are times that i panic a bit and wonder if anything could be going on behind my back again, like at work or anything. He says there isn't and he tells me that i have every right to think that there may be something going on because he hurt me so bad in the past. Other than work he's always by my side, though if that weren't the case my mind would probably wander and think he was with someone else. Being through this i know that in a relationship one loves the other more.. i loved him more than he loved me in the beginning, and now he loves me more than i love him. He wants to get married and have kids one day, buy a house, all those things.. and i want all of that too! i just want the memory of everything happening to just dissapear, but it won't its driving me insane.

May 20, 2010 - 9:25am
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