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I thought I was the only one with this problem until I found this website, which has made me feel a little better already but hasn't really provided me with an answer to my problem.
I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 23. We have been together for 2 and a half years, although for a large proportion of that time I was living away at University so we only saw each other every other week, except for the holidays when obviously I came home and saw him on a more regular basis. During this time we usually had sex whenever we saw each other and there wasn't a problem. We connect really well as friends as well as in the bedroom, and often have the same desires and want to try the same things.
At the moment however, our sex life isn't so great. In fact it's pretty non-existent. For just over a month now we havn't had sex at all, and for quite a while before hand we only did when I initiated it. Now every time I try to get close to him he'll kiss me once and then practically push me away.
This has happened before towards the start of the year, and we've had arguments about it because it makes me feel horrible. He has never offered me an explanation as to why he randomly seems to go off sex. I know all the usual reasons like stress, dietry change, routine change etc, but his diet and routine havn't changed and he is currently on his summer break from his masters course so he hasn't got work to stress him out. The one thing I know that does stress him is the fact that he doesn't have a job or any money. I have the exact same issue having just graduated, however I seem to be actively trying to get a job whereas although he says he is, I do not see him actually trying. I have offered to look for him, to help him with his CV and applications but he has never asked me to do this either.
He smokes weed, which I know can sometimes have an effect on this too, but he always has and it hasn't ever affected him before.
Additionally, when we first got together we didn't have sex for a while because he was on anti-depressants which I know dull the sex drive, but I also know he isn't on these any more.
So in my opinion, all of the usual reasons for this don't seem to fit exactly. I understand that I probably have a higher sex drive than he does, and I don't expect it all of the time but never is driving me up the wall.
I guess the thing I want the most is advice on how to create intimacy again because I know we can, I just don't know why he doesn't seem to want it. Thanks x
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Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, but am happy to read that you sound like you have made some good attempts at talking openly with your boyfriend, and are not blaming all of this on yourself (you sound like a strong, intelligent and thoughtful woman!).
You really have answered your own question, within your post. I can give you some perspective on your situation, but the only person who can tell you why your boyfriend is uninterested in an intimate relationship with you is...your boyfriend.
My perspective is: you probably do not have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but you may have a higher interest or motivation in making your relationship work long-term than your boyfriend. You have given many reasons/excused for his not wanting intimacy, but after several failed attempts, his behavior is speaking louder than words. You can't "make" someone want to be intimate, or change their mind into becoming more interested. He is a grown man, and can make his own decisions. Unfortunately, he is deciding to behave in ways that are not healthy for a long-term relationship, and this is probably where your focus needs to be (sex is usually just a symptom of larger concerns).
My red flags in your relationship, from your post, is that he is pushing you away and refusing to provide answers or to talk. Lack of communication, and refusing to discuss difficult topics does not create a long-lasting relationship, and he is choosing to not communicate with you about intimate topics. He absolutely can tell you if he is sad, depressed, high, scared, not in the mood...these are all acceptable communication terms that two people committed to a relationship would use in a conversation. You sound like you are having a conversation with a brick wall (does it feel like that?!), and he is not committed to this relationship in the same way you are at this time.
You have all of the information in front of you, and as I mentioned, you have solved your own problem with providing your own answers. You want to create intimacy, but he doesn't want to. That is his choice, and you can't "make" someone want to be intimate (either sex, or through intimate conversations or emotions). I am sorry he is not communicating his true feelings or emotions with you (anything from being sad, depressed, feeling "unsexy" without a job, not knowing what he wants in life, not wanting a girlfriend...etc).
Bottom line: there are too many possibilities to even speculate on his feelings right now, and without him communicating with you on his feelings and intentions, all you have to go on are his behaviors. If his behaviors (which are most likely mirroring his feelings) are showing you that he is uninterested, not trying, emotionally and physically detached from you...is this the type of relationship you envisioned for yourself? If not, what can you do for yourself to be happy? Can you begin focusing on yourself (and not trying to get him a job, trying to get him to be physically intimate, etc), and be with people who DO value your companionship? Can you participate more in activities, clubs, organizations, hobbies that you love, and make you happy? Perhaps by focusing less on your boyfriend, he will have more time to focus on himself and not worry about you...that would be the happy ending. Or, by focusing more on yourself, you will realize there are other genuinely-happy people who love to be around you and you don't have to try so hard to be with them.
best wishes!
July 24, 2011 - 9:04pmThis Comment