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Husband of 6 months won't have sex with me!

By Anonymous March 17, 2011 - 1:10am
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Hi all. (This may be a long read, so I apologize in advance.) I am 35, my husband is 32. We started dating September 2009 and we got married October 2010. We did not live together until we got married. Most nights, I sleep in our bed, in our bedroom alone while he sleeps on the sofa...by choice. This started as an accident of sorts which turned into a full time thing. To make that long story short, he watches TV while playing games on his laptop...then just falls over asleep. Anyway, it has been over a month since we've had sex. I've been trying to get him to talk about why this is, but he mostly avoids my questioning. When I ask him about sex, or suggest we have it, he gets annoyed, telling me to stop nagging him or that I'm turning sex into a chore. When we do have sex, it's me preforming oral sex and then 5 minutes or less of intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with him, and he has never tried to achieve this with me. I thought the problem might be ED, so I got him a sample pack of Cialis. The first day he took them, he got an erection...and did nothing but watch TV and play on his laptop. The third day of taking the pills, we had sex. As of right now, there are three pills remaining in the sample pack. Tonight, I took a bath, then walked naked across the living room. He grinned at me, but didn't move. I went to bed. An hour later, after waking from a bad dream, I peaked out into the living room. He was sound asleep, but the TV was still on. I went to the living room to turn of the TV and saw porn playing on his laptop. It seems he had fallen asleep just after masturbating...and didn't have a chance to turn off the porn. I was pissed. So, I woke him up and tried to have a discussion. He wanted to know why I was picking a fight when he had to work the next day. I sat there for a moment...and while I did, he went back to sleep.

I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I know there is more to this than just the sex. His attention is often elsewhere, such as his computer or his cell phone. (When we go out, he can barely put his phone down from playing games.) I am about ready to throw all of that crap out of the window, but I know that will accomplish nothing. He is affectionate, when I am around him. I have tried talking to him, but he won't open up. I don't know what to do to fix this, or even if it can be fixed. All I know is that we used to have sex all of the time...in fact, I couldn't keep him off of me! And now...well, I masturbate a lot.

I would appreciate any ideas or advice.

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you, Rosa, for your comment. I'm quite positive that it's not another woman. What I really think is that he gets so consumed with his damn laptop (ei: forum posting and gaming); that he loses track of time. Then when he finally wants sex, I am asleep...in the bedroom with the door shut. I am seriously thinking of throwing the laptop in the street or dumping coffee on the backside.

At any rate, since he didn't want to talk last night, I composed an email that pretty much said I think that we are in trouble and we need to talk. I guess that he read it this morning before he went to work because he came in the bedroom, changed his clothes, didn't say a thing to me and left.

It took 7 years for my first marriage to end...guess I'm trying to set records now. :(

March 17, 2011 - 8:28am
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry that your husband's response to your emotions is to withdraw, but I am hoping that he is able to communicate with you in the near future about his thoughts and feelings as well.

Marriage counseling could help you each find more appropriate and healthy ways of communicating concerns with each other, as writing an email is not a healthy way to communicate, and neither is ignoring, leaving and withdrawing. Sometimes it just takes a third person to help guide us into healthier and productive ways to communicate our feelings. (I am speaking from experience, as my husband and I were also not using "fair fighting" techniques, and the counselor helped us tremendously learn how to communicate the not-so-easy topics in our marriage).

I wish you the best!

March 17, 2011 - 11:23am

Hi Anon,

I was going to suggest that it may very well be the ED or maybe even the fact that he didn't last very long. Although this still could be the reason why he is avoiding you, it does make me wonder if there is something or someone else in the picture. It's not fair to assume he is cheating, especially because I've never met the man but secretly, this is the first thing that usually comes to women's minds.

If you found porn in his computer chances are he may be in a rut, stressed, overwhelmed, tired, really into porn right now, not sexually attracted to you anymore or just not interested in having to go through the motions of sex. There are many reasons why he could be lacking in the sex department. Truth is that you may never know the truth. If you are fed up with this lifestyle, you can try talking to him one more time, see if he will go to couples counseling with you and if not-- then you have to determine if this is the life you want for yourself. There is more than sex to a marriage but it is undoubtedly important and there is much more to it than just the act of sex.

Here are some other questions by members you may be interested in reading:


March 17, 2011 - 5:09am
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