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Mother emotionally abused by father

By November 14, 2015 - 3:26pm
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Hi, so over the past few years my Dad has been emotionally abusing my mother on a weekly basis. At first when i confronted her about it she said he would change eventually and things will change. It's been years now and still nothing has changed. Some information about the victim:

My mum is the most selfless human being, she does nothing for herself, she devoted her life to me and my siblings. She raised us to be respectable and kind. She is currently helping me with my studies and helped my brother get into university. She cooks healthy food for us everyday, she cares for us with all of her heart and she is honestly the best mum I could wish for.

When i confronted her about it several times she tells me that she feels sorry for my dad and he's like this because of how he was raised as a child. Today she broke down and for once argued back for my wellbeing. I'm currently studying in hopes of getting into university next year. We live in a 2 floor house and I can always hear him shouting wether it's at her or at life, it affects my studies and she gets upset because of this, not because of the verbal abuse she receives from him.

Some information about my father: I honestly believe he's crazy, he constantly swears at my mum and calls her names if she does anything that he doesn't like (she never does anything wrong to him). He is horrible and is the thing that I hate most in this world. I care so much about my mum and although he never physically abuses her, she does not deserve this treatment. I cannot confront him about this because i know 100% it will make things worse for her. He's a complete idiot, he thinks i can never hear him shouting from downstairs but I do hear him, every time. She tells me not to interfere and I don't know what to do. We are from arab descent but we have lived in the UK for about 15 years now. She is sociable, kind, friendly, outgoing, whereas he has no friends and sits in the house all day.

He contributes nothing to the family but misery (he is unemployed). He doesn't treat me or my siblings badly, if he does it's rare but that's mostly because we don't talk to him, we have all have no respect for him anymore because of how he treats our mother. He does care about us because whenever I go downstairs he stops shouting. He forces my mum to listen to him for hours of him complaining on things he dislikes in this world. I know my mother only becomes upset when I voice my opinions, I don't want to but I think it's unhealthy to keep my emotions locked up.

How should I proceed with this? I'll be going to university next year and I don't want this to continue while i'm there, my mother deserves to be happy and have freedom. I believe ultimately it's her choice if she wants to leave him or not but I don't think she has it in her, she knows he will die alone and spend the last 30 years of his existence in misery.

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Hello and welcome to EmpowHer,
I am so sorry to hear about your family situation. As you said, it is ultimately your mother's decision.
But you can certainly help her find an alternative!
In order to effect change, you need specific goals. Of course, you know in general terms that you want your mother to separate from your stepfather. But this is too broad.
You first need to outline the steps that need to be taken for that to happen. What would it look like for your mom? Does it mean moving out of the house? Does it mean, kicking him out of the house? Would she need to move to another town? Does she have financial ties to him that need to be broke before separation can happen?
Right now, telling your mom she should leave him, is true, but will only happen if you have a clear plan.
So, I suggest that you create one. Then present it to your mom. This may help her visualize a new, better life as possible instead of hypothetical.
I wish you all the best.

November 15, 2015 - 12:51pm
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