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I've been with him all throughout my teenage years and I do love him. But in December we had a huge falling out when I found out he had been downloading (and uploading) pictures/videos of naked women onto come "underground invitation-only site". He was making comments like "I wish you were my girlfriend", or "Wow you're beautiful, 10". I'm very anti-porn and he knows this...and he agreed/promised not to watch it. But I would have never guessed he was distributing it too. Long story short I told him we'd get through it, but he's lied to be about little things since then. I told him I was uncomfortable with him going on the site, and he volunteered not to go on it anymore. Well yesterday I found out he has been going on the site. He knows I'm mad, but he doesn't think he lied. When I asked him "Have you been going on this site?", he replied "no". He doesn't think he lied because he "hasn't been going onto this website, but instead went on it only ONCE today. So it's not a lie." I'm so fed up. Should I go?
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It does not sound like he only "lied" (he was backed in a corner, telling you what you were demanding to hear), but sounds like he is making choices, continually, that you do not agree with. He is not sorry for his choices...that is why he is not saying "sorry". That is OK for him; he is an adult who is choosing certain behaviors and does not need to apologize for them, if he is not sincerely sorry. It is now your decision what to do with the information in front of you.
OK, so you love him. But where is that getting you? You have a boyfriend who is distributing porn, actively participating in communicating with naked women on a site---telling them he wants her to be his girlfriend?! That is not just "looking at porn" and not "just lying" anymore. These choices your boyfriend are making say a lot about what type of person he is, what his values are, how he chooses to spend his time, how he values or treats women, etc.
You also have choices that you are continuing to make as well. You are choosing a person who is lying to you, who is making choices that you disagree with on many levels. What do your choices say about you? What do your choices say about the type of man you want to be with?
You can do some "soul searching" to think about what type of relationship you want for yourself, for a future family (if you choose). Your boyfriend, in my opinion, is not actually lying to you. He is showing you is true colors, and is being very upfront about them. He is backed into a corner and telling you what you want to hear, yes, but I don't see that as "lying" as much as you do. You are using "lying" as the behavior that is a target of your anger, but it seems to me the big picture and all of his other behaviors are what really deserve your doubt and distrust.
You do not have any financial obligations with this person: no house, no children, etc. I know four years seems like a long time to be with someone, but relationships are meant to be learning experiences, too. Not all relationships are meant to last and "be the one"; perhaps this relationship is the one for you to determine what you will and will not stand for from future men in your life.
June 5, 2011 - 7:26amThis Comment