I've been with the same partner for about 4 years. We get on well, hardly ever have a serious argument and enjoy each others company. There is a lot of affection in our relationship, but I feel like I am starving for sex - I'd like it 2-3 times a week (or ideally more). We have it maybe once every 2-3 weeks and even then I feel as though he's only doing it out of guilt. Even at the very beginning of the relationship - if I tried to initiate it (which I did), I'd get rejected 80-90% of the time. I've tried to stop initiating as after all these years I simply can't handle the rejection anymore. Almost always, the excuse is 'I'm too tired' - although other reasons have ranged from 'we have to get up early in the morning' to 'you didn't do the washing up' to 'the stars are not aligned' to 'i want to watch this movie and you are blocking the TV'. Sometimes he doesn't give a reason at all - if I do initiate he gets snappy and says something like 'can't you see I'm too tired' if I even try to give him a kiss. He seems to always be 'too tired' and I know that he is a very light sleeper and doesn't always get enough sleep, but he can quite easily get together enough energy to go to the pub with his workmates or stay up all night watching TV. He will also find the energy to hang out with me - to go out to dinner, or the movies or for a walk - he will find time to spend with me for pretty much anything except sex. We've talked about the issue plenty of times and each time he just gives perfectly rational reasons for the recent period of time such as 'well I've had a cold for the last 2 weeks' but he always seems to have a good reason and after 4 years, nothing is changing. He's said things like 'well when we go on holiday and I have more time and energy it will be better' and then of course we go on holiday and then he can't sleep because of the new noises or the long flight or the new food doesn't agree with him and so he doesn't want to again. When we do have sex, I'm not sure if he is enjoying it - he is very quiet and hardly ever climaxes. He tells me that he is fine with this and I should be too, but I'm not really - I want to be able to please him and I am willing to try anything that he wants. I'm quite easy to satisfy and I wouldn't mind much if I didn't have an orgasm each time but he seems to believe it is his job to provide one. I'm 30, healthy, fit and attractive and he's 43. We both work 7-8 hours a day, he works 5 days and I usually work 6-7 days. He comes home from work and switches on the TV and stays in front of it 'til bedtime, which he insists is definitely 'sleep time'. We do cuddle a lot and I'm sure that we both love each other - it's just that when it comes to sex, to him it seems to be a very taxing chore. He insists that he enjoys it but if that is true, why can't I get him to want to do it? I've told him that he can choose when to initiate it, I don't care when, even if he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I never reject him, even though sometimes I'm not really in the mood, because it might be weeks before I get another opportunity. It's a struggle to get him to talk about it and it's a huge problem for me - it is eroding my confidence in myself and the relationship but if I bring it up it seems to make the whole problem worse. His solution seems to be either to ignore it or tell me to mastarbate more. He says I need to either accept it because he is too old and it is only going to get worse, or to leave if I'm not happy. I've asked him if he has had the same problem in previous relationships and he said that it was the reverse and he always wanted it much more than his girlfriends. I can't get him to explain why it is different with me except that 'it's not you, it's just because I'm getting older'. I asked him to see a doctor then he told me that it's not a physical problem but that he is just really easily turned off and if I ask by what it might be something that I said the week before or by me not bringing the washing in or a whole host of other things. I don't know how to anticipate all these things - sometimes I feel like he is denying me sex to punish me for something. Sometimes I also get 'I was thinking about having sex with you but then I got interested in this TV program - maybe tomorrow (which hardly ever is tomorrow)'. Do you have any suggestions about what I can possibly do to get him interested once or twice a week or at least learn how to cope with the frustration better (the emotional frustration of the rejection - it's got to the point I'm scared to even make a flirtatious comment or give him a random kiss because it could be construed as asking and I feel like I'm being very demanding)?
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