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My boyfriend is blaming me for Delayed Ejaculation problem, how can we talk about it?

By March 27, 2011 - 10:42pm
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I have been dating a nice guy for 3+ months. The first sexual encounter we had he told me he “had trouble coming – was that a problem”? I said no. I had another guy that had it – but not this severely.
He has come once in maybe 20 encounters. I have been trying to get him to come, but didn’t want to make him feel pressured about it. But as time goes we are both getting really frustrated – him sexually and me emotionally. I have been focusing more and more on a hard effort for his orgasm, meaning every encounter I spend 20-30 minutes “tickling” and licking and massaging him (he likes that), then I move into 100% focus on penis and balls and trying to get him off with my hands and mouth – for 20-40 minutes.

He will tell me “don’t keep doing the same thing…or give it a break – not so fast”, then 5 mins later say “don’t keep changing, pick a style and STAY with it.” I hear “harder”, then “not so hard”. “Faster, then not so fast”. I have never had this kind of difficulty getting a man to come.
Tonight he asked me if I was trying to keep him from coming. Really? After one hour+ of effort TRYING? But he says I don’t listen to his direction. I hear, and I try my best. I mainly change if my mouth runs dry or I need more lube, etc. - or if he asks me to. I have never before been accused of being a clumsy lover…this is new territory, and it feels bad.
A few weeks ago I asked him to “show me”, maybe we could perform mutual self-masturbation and I could learn what he likes. He said no, and it has not been mentioned again until I did right now. He finally said he would help me on showing me – but we haven’t had sex again yet.
The original information he told me about his R.E. seems to have been replaced with “I’m a lousy and off in the clouds screw” who is not trying to get him off.
This could not be further from the truth – I mean at least for sure the part about my not wanting to get him off. He’s acting like there is no underlying issue now.
How can we talk about this reasonably, I don’t want to be a whipping post, but I DO want to please him. He’s very great at pleasing me by the way.

Add a Comment11 Comments

Hi Beli,
Thank you for your question and for joining EmpowHER. My opinion is that this is his problem and not yours. You are good to put so much effort into trying to help him ejaculate, but at the end of the day, if he has a medical condition (has he been do a doctor about this?), there's not a whole lot you can do about that. You are being super patient in trying to figure out what he likes and his ever-changing direction. Bear in mind, I'm not a medical professional or therapist, but I think it would personally drive me nuts--sex is supposed to be fun, and if you have to be so focused on the end result, who's having fun? If you can't relax and enjoy yourself, what's the use?
This is a relatively new relationship. How's it going besides for the issue in the bedroom? This is a good point to evaluate how happy you are and if this is a good thing for you. Once you figure that out, you'll know what to do. Talk with him, and tell him what you're thinking. If you both are adults, you should be able to reach a logical, mutually beneficial solution.
Good luck! And let us know how you are doing.

March 28, 2011 - 6:59am
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