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By September 4, 2009 - 1:37pm
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My boyfriend stays here all the time, he eats and sleeps here.
He loves my cooking, but every time we go grocery shopping, he doesn`t offer to pay for anything, I feel embarrased to ask him for help.
I love cooking for him, but he even takes his lunch from the dinner the night before.
I don`t know if I`m making a big deal out of this or not, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to him about this.
This have been happening for the past month, I don`t know what to do!!

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EmpowHER Guest

I am in a similar boat. My boyfriend of 3 months has a job but doesn't make much money and won't look for a better job. He lives in the home his mother had and she still pays the notes. He is a very loving man but he has no ambition or drive. He wants me to come stay every weekend and all I do is cook while I'm there. His mom, her boyfriend, and his grandma all come to eat and I also leave enough for him to have for a day or so. He uses one of my credit cards for things because he doesn't have money the day after he gets paid. When he divorced his ex wife he agreed to pay her car note and insurance and she makes 4x what he does. I always have to buy his lunch during the week and he seems very ok with that. Hekeeps saying he's gonna give me someone my credit card bill but I have yet to see it.

January 19, 2019 - 9:29am
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello, Anon.

You have choices. If you are unhappy with this situation (I would be) move on from it. You are only together for 3 months. You are not tied to this person by any means. Being a loving man does not change the fact you are being used.
Find someone else with ambition who is not dependent on your support before you get any deeper into this relationship. Your posting here is proof you are not happy. You control your life and your happiness. Remember that.

Good luck!


January 19, 2019 - 3:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with the boyfriend for five years, I help pay the mortgage and the utilities as well. Yet; when I go to the store or pick something up to eat, he never offers to help with groceries or out to eat. He is 67 and I am 51 I work full time, take care of him full time. I am completely appalled that he manipulates and says, he pays all the bills...in which is not true! The man has over $250,000.00 in his accounts plus some. I am miserable, I resent him that he is that selfish about money and doesn't love me enough to be an equal partner in this relationship! He woke me up at 2:25 am this morning to argue about money when I had to be at work at 6 am this morning. No consideration for me whatsoever! Plus, he stayed up drinking all night!

February 18, 2018 - 6:53am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon
You're being used as a care giver, you're paying half the mortgage and most of the expenses. You're not an equal, as you said. It's not too late to leave, if he's not open to change. You're young, you have decades ahead of you - don't waste this precious time (or your money!).

February 20, 2018 - 2:01pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend has his own home his forty year old daughter and 12 year old grandson live with him she pays 300 dollars a month rent there she has a good job but cant manage. I own my own home also, My boyfriend stays at my house on Friday Saturday Sunday Monday comes on Wednesday, he is very sweet he fixes everything broken at my home ,we take a trip once or twice a year not far from home I drive and pay for gas and a eat out meal or 2 he pays for hotel. my problem is he stays at my house 5 days a week he buy nothing but wine which he drinks most of it, I cook almost every day he is here and he loves to eat but he buys no food or pays no bills nothing has needed to bee fixed for 6 months now. I feel like somethings wrong here ,I brought this to his attention when he kept inviting his brother over to eat, he became very upsset stating I do everything for you . I believe he loves me I also believe this is his finance balance between me and his daughter ,he does so much for me but I feel like Im being manipulated .

March 14, 2017 - 11:07pm
EmpowHER Guest

I was in similar situation w/boyfriend of 5 months who stayed at my nice condo on water about 4x per week. He moved in w/parents at age 44 b/c said his father ill. From what I could tell, he wasn't that sick. He would take me out for nice dinners, but I was cooking, buying all groceries, dealing w/increase in housework, utilities & laundry. I felt bad b/c he was unemployed for almost 2 yrs & starting own business. Well, for an incredibly educated guy, he should have gotten employment in a split second especially w/all his bragging. In the end, I lost my marbles w/him & called him out on his mooching.
He was extremely offended & told me what I was telling him made NP sense. That my overhead couldn't be that much more & didn't I want him here? I broke up w/him when I found an ATM receipt with $38,000+ balance in his checking. Haven't heard from him since because he needs time to digest my hurtful comments. Also I caught him on Match.com three times. That isn't love. That's being a scumbag & user.

September 15, 2011 - 5:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I totally understand and I am in a similar situation

November 20, 2016 - 12:35am
EmpowHER Guest

I have the very same problem these days with a slightly different 'twist' on the subject matter. I have been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now and since day one I have been 'the cook' in the relationship. I am also known amongst my friends and collegues to be a pretty good cook and do enjoy cooking. However, everyone who cooks also knows that cooking equals expense, so every time my boyfriend comes over it's an extra expense for me to dish up a decent dinner for him. (I mean, you cannot serve someone a slice of bread with butter on it when they come over to your place...) Anyhow, so every time he comes over to my place, which is usually around dinner time, I cook. He loves coming to my place which is pretty nice, with a big plazma TV, and nice furniture, etc. I never (2 times so far in 8 months!) stay over at his place - he lives rent-free in his grand parents' old house who passed away some time last year. I do not live rent-free, I work full-time just like him and also study for my postgraduate degree at the moment, and have added expenses like weekly physio because of a chronic neck injury, etc. I am deviating away from the core issue here but I want to 'set the scene' for my dilemma.
My boyfriend's idea od spending time with me is always coming over to my place. I do like seeing him, and I do like doing things with him in the comfort of my own home BUT this cooking business is starting to annoy me. He loves my food, he calls me the 'super-chef,' and I know he appreciates my cooking. HOWEVER, I'd love for him to take me out a bit more often, or take the burden of cooking off my shoulders and get a take-away from time to time, but I just cannot say it. I don't know what it is - it's like a fear of possibly finding out that the only reason why he wants to hang out with me is my cooking and hospitality. He does say he loves me and he has never loved a girl as much as he does love me, blah, blah, blah, but I cannot help but think that he is a bit cheap. Or a lot cheap..?!
Again, I do not cook every day, I cook maybe 2 times a week, but it's just a bit 'unbalanced' from a relationship point of view in that he never does this for me. He cannot cook but he could pay for a dinner, or buy a take-away, or somthing like that. I don't know, It's a problem and I hate the fact that I have to say it to him. As a person I am very generous, very sensitive towards others' feelings, a bit proud, too..to avoid cooking every time we see each other I would make up an excuse like: 'Can you see me a bit later tonight? I am going to grab a bite with a friend straight after work...' But I knwo that this behaviour of mine is only avoidance.
I am asking for some suggestions in terms of how to tactfully resolve this and influence the change in his behaviour? S.O.S.! :-)

~ Anonymus

February 5, 2011 - 4:14pm

Blue tree,

So happy that you took Susan's advice and talked to your boyfriend about this!! Good for you! I know it was a difficult thing to bring up and I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I'm proud of you for doing it.

Equal partners share things equally. As you live together, there may be other times when something doesn't feel right. When that happens, remember this time -- how you brought it up, and that it had a good ending -- and it'll give you strength in the future.

February 8, 2010 - 10:00am
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