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My boyfriend would rather masterbate then have sex with me, why?

By August 4, 2009 - 12:51pm
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for four years. when we first got together we had sex. But the following years (3) we have had less sex. maybe once a month-if that. I have talked to him about it; he says he wants to, but we don't.
I have caught him many times masterbaiting. I will ask, why don't he just have sex with him. he can not say. He just keeps saying he want to have sex with me-yet we never do it.

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EmpowHER Guest

Im 33 my bf is 37 and im going thru the same bs. Heres the thing thogh..all other aspects of our relationship are great. Its seriously the one single thing I'd change. I really love him, he will have sex but if i didnt bring it up it would NEVER happen...im wodering do i stay or do i go..? do i stay and cheat?? lol hellllllllllpppppppppp

June 21, 2011 - 2:55am

Did you used to kiss as a couple? If so, ask him what's changed for him. I'm sure you have, but couples therapy may be really helpful!

August 4, 2009 - 1:35pm

Something is missing in the communication between you two. I'm sorry you are going through this, but many, many women have asked this same question...so you are not alone.

Masturbation most likely has nothing to do with his having sex with you or not. Please take this out of the equation for now. Men (and women) masturbate for many reasons, and most of these individuals in healthy, loving and happy relationships ALSO want to have physical intimacy and sex with another person. No woman is going to be able to "compete" with a man's penis---it is always there, does not need time to "warm up", will not make any special requests. It is easy, quick and rewarding...up to a point.

So, if you're still following me, the real issue is lack-of-intimacy and communication. Take the "sex" out of the equation for just a moment (although this is relevant!), and really evaluate your relationship. Are you two physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, intellectually intimate together in other ways? My guess is, that "sex" is just the tip of the iceberg of something bigger going on in the relationship. This "something bigger" can be catastrophic and more difficult to resolve (affair), or it could be minor and easier to resolve (stress, hurt feelings, feeling overburdened).

Please assess your relationship with out the "sex", and certainly with the "masturbation" factors, and what do you have? What do you enjoy about the relationship, and what isn't working? Do you feel loved, respected, valued, cherished, physically intimate in other ways? Sex, ideally, would then be the icing-on-the-cake and not the only "proof" of all of these.

Lastly...the communication. Yes, I'm sure your boyfriend WANTS to want to have sex with you. Have you asked him what is holding him back? Is he afraid, jealous, tired, stressed? Is he angry at you and not sure how to communicate? Does he feel guilty or bad about something? Does he not feel "sexy" or other factor? Does he feel that it is too much work to perform sexually? Does he feel critiqued or judged in bed?

There are too many factors for me to brainstorm...but please talk with him without putting on the guilt, if you really want to listen and learn what is going on with him. Be open to there being a problem, and working through it. This process may take time; some people have a difficult time really, truly communicating complex emotions, so it may take months...but he also needs to try to communicate and not provide "blow-off" answers to you. If none of this works, counseling may be another great option to have a third person help you both communicate and open up to one another.

good luck!

August 4, 2009 - 1:12pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Thank you! Its true we have had fights (me starting them) where i have stated we are more like friends then a couple. Things have changed after the many fights. We do hold hands, I cuddle with him, he now takes me out, and will think about me (gifts, do things i enjoy) We get along almost all of the time, and are now doing things together as a couple. But out of all the things i bring up, wanting to change the sex part never dose...we also never kiss at all. i will try talking to him again. But I feel there is little use. Thank you again for you help.

August 4, 2009 - 1:28pm
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