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My fiance does not want to make love as much anymore...am I the problem?

By March 30, 2013 - 2:27am
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This is my first time writing to a bunch of strangers about my personal issues. I do not know where else to turn to and this seems like a pretty respectable website (unlike others I have browsed).

First, let me share the basics with you. I am 24 and will be 25 in 2 months. My fiance turned 35 recently. When we met, he had a pretty good porn collection, mainly DVDs. He has said he didn't look at the magazines, that they were his brothers and he never looked at them (which I do not believe but can understand why he'd lie about that). I recently told him, "I don't care about that past of yours. What matters is now" and I truly mean that. Let me explain myself:

I hate porn. I hate it beyond the definition of hatred. I was raped at a young age and forced to look at porn during it. When we started our relationship, I explained this to him. Know what he did? He got rid of all his porn DVDs and the magazines (I watched him do it). He even got rid of MOVIES that had nudity in them because it makes me that uncomfortable. I simply do not think it is alright to see anyone naked in a sexual way other than the person you are committed to (and I am not religious, it has nothing to do with that). In other words, porn is NOT the issue anymore. He is a wonderful man, do not get me wrong. I do not have a password to protect my computer, I do not check his browsing history and I do not need to. (I'm very good with computers and could very well spy on him if I wanted to but I choose not to). I trust him in this area now, despite my past experiences and the fights it took to get there.

We have been together for almost a year, one month shy of a year to be exact. When we met, he wanted to make love to me every day. He could not stand to see me naked and not be able to touch me which inevitably, led up to more 'fun' things. And I loved it. And I got used to it.
Let me be honest though, I am not the most stable person on the planet. I can be pretty neurotic when I let fears get the best of me but I do handle things like this a bit better now. I am a worrier though; have always been this way. So that's why I decided to come here instead of starting a fight that would get me nowhere because I know I am in no position to talk about this constructively. I am angry and hurt and wondering if there is something wrong with me.

I am 114 pounds exactly and 5'4. I have C cups, a D in some bras. I hate my boobs (particularly my nipples) and I do not like my stomach as I have always had a pesky pouch I can't get rid of though the rest of me is thin and toned. I think I am pretty even though my confidence has not always been so great. I get pretty unreasonable on my off days about my appearance. But I do know, in my 'heart of hearts' that I am an attractive young lady.
So why does he not want to make love to me more than a few times a week now? Is it simply because the flame kind of gets snuffed after a while? Is it simply because he is older than me? Is it simply because he is taking me for granted? I for one, think all three of these answers are possible as we are only human but I would like to learn another person's point of view.

I am very lucky because he works full time and he is a good man all in all; he loves me, I know he does. I am a full time college student I also cook, clean, and take care of the dog every day on top of my homework. I believe that he should have a hot tasty meal ready for him when he gets home on top of a clean house and a happy dog... I do not like the dog but that is neither here nor there; I still do it.
He comes home, eats the meal I literally slaved over thanks to my crazy perfectionist ways and he does thank me for it. He also thanks me for cleaning so that is not the issue either. I just can't get past the fact that I feel like if I do everything perfect, maybe he will want me more in a sexual way?

Lately I have to initiate all of our lovemaking. I have tried things I was not too keen on for the sake of experimentation. (I have a healthy sex drive but I am self conscious about it). I have woke him up, undressed him, and performed oral and then got on top. He was happy, needless to say, and went right to sleep after saying he loved me and kissing me goodnight. He truly is sweet and not a 'pig' so please don't get me wrong. I have even tried things in the shower that I was scared to do (I had a bad experience where I grabbed onto a shower rack and it gave way from the wall so I was scared to try it again...LOL!) I also approach him and give him a playful spank, I tell him how gorgeous he is and how much I love having him home because it's so rare lately with him working all the time. We do not fight too much but we did months ago over this issue. He even forgot our 11 month anniversary 2 days ago and I did not bring it up. Instead I said I loved him and that I hoped he slept well because I did not want to come across as a nag as I had brought up the 'sex' issue a few days prior.

So enough rambling and straight to the point: Why does he always say he's too tired? When are men ever too tired if they aren't looking at porn or cheating in any way? I have tried to look better for him. I even stopped wearing make up because he said he didn't want that but it's like when I don't, I'm not attractive to him? Maybe make up isn't really the point, I'm not sure. And I know if I keep bringing it up it's just going to push him further away. He is gone all day and I'm alone, 'holding up the fort'. Tonight, he played MW3 (I'm a gamer chick so I hope he sees how awesome that is) and we reached level 10 on 'Fallen' which is a really hard survival campaign. Previously we only got to 5. He would rather do that than make love though and that's what got me thinking about this more 'in depth'.

Is it normal to only have sex a few times a week when I'm this young and as he says, attractive? Should I be worried that he is doing something else I'm not aware of? I would hate to learn I've been trusting and naive. But I also hate pointing a finger when I do not think he is that kind of man.

Please help.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi DeLovely,

Relationships never remain exactly the same and over time relationships get to that point that sex is not needed for intimacy. Intimacy could be sitting next to each other on the couch or holding each others hand from time to time. The butterflies and excitement may fade but love can always keep you both strong in a relationship.

You are highly regarding sex as one of your favorite past times events....this may not be his....the best thing about relationships is that if you sit down and talk about it, you may have a better understanding about his needs or wants and somewhere you both can meet in the middle.

I hope this helps.

Good luck,

March 30, 2013 - 7:10am

I caught a spelling error on my part, my apologies:

Tonight, he played MW3

Meant to say 'Tonight, WE played MW3'...I just can't get enough of that game but I would prefer love making....

March 30, 2013 - 2:50am
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