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My fiance & I have differant sexual desires??

By February 8, 2010 - 10:17am
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My fiance is into more of the harder sexual stuff. I'm just into the basic love-making. It's because of that, we never have sex. In the whole 4 years we've been together, we've only had sex about 15 times or less. He doesn't want to alter his desires for one time just to satisfy me..yet I feel I'm always expected to alter my desires to satisy him. Why am I always doing the altering? I want to please him or he'll turn to other resources to get that 'satisfaction'..I want him to want ME! But I can't be into something I'm not. This has been bothering me for sometime now. Any thoughts??

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Xdaring dreams>,

Susan asked you wonderful questions and gave you great advice. I'm so glad you'd come back and update us with more information.

I have to agree with Susan 100% - sexually, you two are very incompatible. You're going to need some help to work through this. Since there are many other good things about your relationship, it sounds like it's worth the work.

If it's like this and you're just engaged, I for sure wouldn't be planning a wedding or getting married until this issue is smoother between the two of you. Your desire is that he be satisfied with just you, without bondage. His desire is that you participate with him in bondage. It turns him on, but it doesn't turn you on. In order to get to a compromise or to a place you both can live with, I think you're going to need a third party -- someone who is completely objective -- to help you.

If you go with the flow now, that may work for a while, but only a while. Often, sexual desires such as porn escalate, and you may find yourself in a relationship where you are not having sex at all. (I also agree with Susan; since you are having sex just 4 times a year now, I wonder whether he fines sexual satisfaction elsewhere now? Perhaps through porn and masturbation?)

Daring dreams, please talk to your boyfriend about whether he would go to counseling with you about this issue. Not to change him or change you so much as to figure out how to make sexuality something pleasurable between the two of you instead of something filled with conflict.

February 10, 2010 - 10:41am

Thank you for your thoughts, they are greatly appriciated. :)
1- yes, we are fine in other ways. actually couldn't find anyone more perfect. it's just sexually that we have the problem with.
2- I truthfully don't think he'll ever cheat on me. I think he'll turn to porn (which is what guys do i guess) but I dont want him to want porn, I want him to be fully satisfied with ME!
3- He is into bondage type of hardcore. I never heard of it before him.
4- About the 'outsourcing', I have caught him especially lately going into websites I asked him not to do on my computer. Some would like to believe that EVERYONE looks at porn..when in fact that's NOT true. I don't like it nor do I support it. I feel bad but I'm thinking of trying to put a parental lock on it so he can't do it any longer.
5- If we did counseling, we would need someone that can reach him on his level of thinking and then me..I'm pretty simple.

I just don't know. I love him so much, he's sacrificed so much for me. And I've been through SOOO much with him..things people our age shouldn't NORMALLY go through at this stage in life. All I can think to do is go with the flow...which could be hard!!

February 8, 2010 - 11:15pm
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