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Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years. We have lived together for 2 years and both pay our bills fairly equally. As of the last 6 months our sex life has been almost non existant. We had sex once a month for a little while, and then no sex for 3-4 months. I don't think he is cheating on me, we spend a lot of time together, and I think I would notice if he was acting guilty. For a little while I was unemployed and I think alot of stress was put on his shoulders because he had to make ends meet on his own and things were very tight. I tried helping any way I could, I did and still do , all the household work(cooking, cleaning, laundry etc). Whenever we do have sex, it seems as though I am the one making the first move and it is the same way in our relationship. He shows me affection, although I am the one to initate it. I't seems to me in some ways my boyfriend doesn't even want to be in a relationship with me. I feel as though I'm trying and he has just given up. I have a hard time communicating, and want to know if there is an easy way to find out what is going on? Can you help?
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I think you said it perfectly, and just need to say it to your boyfriend in a curious manner (not in a "poor me" or "blaming" type of tone). Basically, you just want to know:
a) is he getting the same vibe as you are regarding a change in the emotional and physical aspects of your relationship
b) if yes, does it bother him or is he OK with how it is now
c) if no, is he still interested in hearing how the changes affect you
d) is he interested and committed to helping the relationship improve
To your boyfriend:
"As you know, I have a hard time communicating, and want to talk with you about a few things. Is this a good time for you?"
If yes...
"I feel like you show me affection, which I love, but I seem to initiate (most/all) of it. Honestly, I am interpreting this as you not really being interested in the same level of relationship with me, as I want with you. How are you feeling about this?"
Let us know how your conversation goes with your boyfriend, and the key is to just focus on one main point, use "I feel" words, and then listen, both to his words and what his behaviors/actions are telling you. Let him know what type of affection you would feel is ideal, and ask him what (if anything) he would like to see improved in the relationship. Be OK with changing/improving yourself, as long as he is equally willing to meet some more of your needs and wants. Relationships are about give-and-take, also about hearing the truth and being honest with one another....even if it hurts or means we need to compromise.
February 22, 2011 - 10:40amThis Comment