Trying to get over a relationship that cannot be - any healthy tips !

By Anonymous June 23, 2013 - 4:35pm

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Whenever I have had romantic issues, EmpowerHer has always been there to help me through it and I am really thankful for it. So, here is my issue: I am 27, I am in the process of completing my second masters in Women's Studies and will begin working on my PhD in English in Fall 2013! Now herein lies the issue - at my university - we had an international party, which I had attended along with my friends and at that time was seeing someone in Singapore (he was my childhood love who has been very flaky and now we have ended the relationship) In any case, in this party, I met a man from Iran and I wasn't paying attention nor interested but he kept on pursuing me and I turned him down many times until one night, when I had seen him and he came by to see me during an evening and things happened as we talked and we began to make love - I told him about this relationship and he accepted it and told me that its my choice between him and this other guy - I was very happy spending time with him and was happy for the brief time we had and then suddenly, the guy called me pleading me to marry him and because (even though I had begun to like the Iranian guy, I chose the other guy because I wanted to do the right thing so that I could have a stable relationship - The Iranian wanted to date but not commit and I want a stable relationship now that can lead to marriage eventually regardless of whom I date) so I turned him down. We became friends and then on my way to Boston, I had an accident and the Iranian guy was there for me throughout and he continues to like me a lot and really cares for me and my well-being. While I was away for a month, he would message me every day and asked when I was coming back and confused me with making ":*" and saying things like "I feel horny by the news of your acceptance" and when I said to him and asked him if we were clearly dating, even though when we met each other after a month - we were again initimate and wanted to be together but then when he asked me if I would have sex, I turned him down and next day, he emailed me saying he couldn't date me and this weekend, I found that he had supposedly moved on and was seeing some other girl - which is completely fine and okay - because my mother was proud by the decision I had made to want the right guy - and I knew from the start - it wasnt him though I had begun to grow attracted and have feelings for him - I feel cheated and betrayed and unsure of how I am supposed to feel! Now, when we meet, he has made our lines clear as friends and doesn't speak to me as normal since I got mad at him for not being clear about things and I said things I didn't mean - he accepted my apology and we are trying to be normal friends. He is also the international student in my PhD program ahead of me so our communication is necessary and he knows that too that we need to maintain our friendship if anything else. My parents will also begun search soon and until school starts, there are no social events so I have joined OKcupid and eHarmony so that I am communicating with people (if anything) - How do I get over this? Do you think what he did was right? According to him since I left and made the choice to be with the other guy, he will support me and be my good friend and expected the same but I was really hurt I guess since I misunderstood with his flirtatious comments that we still had a chance - it bothered me that I wasn't told he was seeing somone else and when I told him, he said you didn't ask me that I had moved in because I didn't want to wait for you (which is completely fine) - I guess it just hurts a lot knowing that I didn't have feelings for him and now I do and I just want them to go away so that I can focus on my work now --- especially now that he is someone else and I want to maintain a good friendship with him, if anything else.

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Anonymous

Hi Anon,

Welcome back, glad to hear EmpowHER has helped you in the past. If the Iranian guy just wanted to date and you are looking into a more serious relationship. Then he might not be the one for you. Just continue a friendship with him, since he is part of your class. You are still young and I am sure, you will eventually find the right person. That feels the same way you do and wants to engage in a more serious relationship.

Best,

Daisy

June 24, 2013 - 3:58am