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Well I’ve been dating this woman, she’s 29 I’m 37, for a little over a year now and since the frequency of sex has diminished to almost non-existent. While we don’t live together I spend the night at her place pretty much every night. In the first couple of months of dating we would do it seemingly everyday. At one point i didn't think I didn't think I was going to keep up with her and that was going to be a deal breaker for her. Then I don’t know what happened. It started to be less and less. She’s currently working on her PhD and is a professor at a local university so she definitely has her share of stress. When I’ve tried talking to her about my frustration she mentions her stress levels and is simply not in the mood for it all the time. So being the type of guy I am I do my best to pick up the slack for her. I help with cleaning, cooking and the everyday household chores. At times I do it all just so she doesn’t have to worry about anything. I’ve even planned date nights and taken her out to a nice romantic dinner here and there and still, it doesn’t seem to work. I try to be romantic and seduce her and she pushes me away. Saying ‘’I’m not in the mood’’ or ‘’I don’t feel well right now’’ or ‘’I’m bloated and don’t feel good’’ or ‘’I don’t feel sexy’’ even if I let her know constantly how sexy I think she is or how beautiful she is, she still turns me away. I am very attentive to her needs and wehn i seduce her try to give her oral, because that's the only way she can orgasm and she turns that down too. I've never met a woman that turns that down. Now I’m lucky if it happens once or twice a month. The funny thing is I now know if it’s not going to be a good night for sex. When I come over after work and she tells me within the first 20 minutes of being there that she is exhausted, I know I’m not getting any. Another indicator is if she tells me she’s going to shower right before we go to bed. This is a sure sign I need to take a cold shower. This is so frustrating because I don’t feel I’m pressuring her and in fact I’m trying to relieve her from stress by helping out around the house. I’m starting to think it’s me. The hard part is being rejected. And I sometimes feel that when we do have sex, she is just going through the motions and not really into it or just doing it to appease me. And that’s worse. It's to the point where i don't even bring it up anymore. if it happens it happens. and usually when it does she asks me, "do you want to have sex?" I just feel undesired when she comes at me like that. it's almost like she telling me, you want it, take or leave it. this is your opportunity. Maybe she’s not into me anymore and doesn’t know how to tell me. I’m really at a loss here and don’t know what to do. What do I do? Please help.
Frustrated in SB
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Dear Frustrated in SB,
Your girlfriend is a professional with a career and an additional full time job as a doctorate student-- sex is likely to be the last thing on her mind. Sometimes mental exhaustion and stress can be even more of a deal breaker than physical exhaustion and I'm sure she has both. I can't tell you what's on her mind but, as a woman, her excuses sound all too familiar and they are probably true. I know you've brought up the sex topic with her before but have you mentioned that you feel as though she isn't attracted to you anymore? Perhaps all you need is clarification that it isn't you, it's really her. Try asking her if she needs some space to herself-- people deal with stress in different ways... whereas you may enjoy company under stress, she may want to spend a nice, quiet night alone. Know what I mean?
I guess the true question is if you're willing to continue a relationship with a career-driven woman who seems to be putting you on the back burner for the time being? Sometimes in relationships we need to sacrifice a little to gain a lot-- and this seems to be your case. It also seems like you do an awful lot to help her lessen her load and I'm sure that she appreciates you for that.
Good Luck-- let us know how it goes.
February 11, 2011 - 6:38amThis Comment