I have no idea what to expect from my situation, but i do think i may have something wrong with me. I am 17 years old, and although i haven't had a terrible upbringing, infact my mum has brought me up wonderfully considering i have never met my biological father, i do feel as though my life is going nowhere. When i turned 14 i met a girl called Loren, and i had a counceller who helped me through my feelings for her. I was with this girl until i turned 16 years old, and she was very controling, and i felt as though i had to obide by her and she did sometimes scare me into doing certian things. She had on a lot of occasions hurt me and she did threaten me. I couldn't see it myself, but everybody including my family and friends told me that she was not right for me, and it wasn't until i turnd 16 and had started college, that i FINALY realized that i just had to get out of the trap. Then i met my current partner, Casey. He made me feel something i had never felt for a boy before. He is 19, and i am soon going to be 18. I have been with him for a year now, and we are planning to get married in Florida next year. My mum is coming with us, everything is paid for and i can't wait. But even so, i feel as something is missing. I can be so happy one minute, and then for no reason atall, i will be angry and will lash out and feel like i want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry myself to sleep on the floor. I have thought about commiting suicide on more than one occasion, mainly when i was with my ex girlfriend a few years ago. She lead me to cutting my skin, and i was still self harming when i met Casey, but he helped me through it by being an amazing boyfriend. I really do think he's the one, but my question is.. why do i feel this way towards life in general? I have no interest in going out of my flat, (i live with casey) and i never understand my own mind. I will admit that i love to wind him up on purpous.. and i always like to create arguments, and i used to do it with loren, JUST so that she would grab me, or push me or take me by the throat.. I understand that this is not normal, and i really would love to know why i felt like that and still do now. I cheated on my previous girlfriend a total of 14 times, because i loved her finding out and the feeling i recieved from her anger towards me. In a way i guess you could say that i love being dominated.. and i love pain. Even now i will sometimes crave cutting myself, but i stop myself.. I have been called a Masochist by my ex, and i read up on Masochism. I just need some form of help.. not to relieve my problem as such, but just to put my mind at ease to find out what it could possibly be. I love to drink.. it gives me a buzz and i love the image people portray me as, which is a "state" and a "mess".. how is it normal to love somebody calling you a state? I even know that it's not right, but i love it for some reason. I would love a life where i settle down and have children in a cottage somewhere with Casey, but then some part of me just wants to go out every weekend drinking and sleeping with everybody. Whoever reads this must think i am someort of "get around".. or that i am cheap, but i am not. I don't let other people abuse my body, i only abuse it myself, and i have only ever slept with Casey. I dress down. I have no interest in the latest fasion, but i love my style. I have facial piercings and i would love to cover myself in tattoos, although i would be scared of what people thought of me..but at the same time, i love the abuse i get shouted . I hate people staring at me for my piercings and fasion sense, but i LOVE attention, and not always for good reasons. Although even going into town is hard because i am CONSTANTLY paranoid peole are staring at me and i get out of breath and feel like i want to run home as fast as i can. I thought how i felt was a faze, but i still feel the same way in my mind and body 4 years on. Help me please.
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