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Why does my boyfriend not want to have sex with me?

By November 20, 2012 - 12:00pm
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 9 months. Our sex life was really great in the beginning, but recently I've noticing it tapering off a lot. We had a long distance relationship for about 3 months while I was in school. Over half of the time I try to initiate sex, he always pushes me away. He'll tell me that he is too tired, full, hungover, basically every excuse in the world. It's not like I even try very hard, sometimes I'll turn over in bed to kiss him and he will tell me, that he doesn't want to and will be obviously annoyed. This in turn gets me so upset and worked up about the problem. When I asked him about it, he claims that it isn't me, but that he just doesn't have as strong of a sex drive as me.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the case though. I know he masturbates quite frequently, and it seems like instead of having sex with me he is doing that instead. Ashamedly I looked at his computer to see if he was watching porn or anything like that, and of course I found a whole bunch of it in his search history.

I'm feeling hurt and it is constantly an issue with us. I know that by bringing it up all the time with him that I am only making the situation worse. I just don't know how to resolve the issue, because every time I lay in bed with him it's the only thing I can think about, when he goes to take showers I know that he is probably going to masturbate. I'm generally a very insecure person in relationships, and knowing that my boyfriend would rather watch porn or take these long showers than have sex with me makes me feel even worse. It seems a lot of the responses out there say that it's a sign your partner doesn't want to be with you anymore and that they are emotionally distancing themselves from you. I'm just worried that this is the problem.

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To update on the problem. It looks like my worst fear did come true. We actually broke up this past week due to a number of issues. He claims he grew apart from me. When I brought up the sex issue, he still claims that wasn't a reason or a sign that he was growing apart from me, but I'm not entirely convinced that is the case.

December 23, 2012 - 10:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to lss12)

I think you just escaped a lot of further pain, frustration and heartache. No way can you get a man to have sex if he's not interested, regardless of what so called experts say. his loss!

December 23, 2012 - 12:08pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am wondering if there are any gay/bi guys that can answer this?: are some men more into very tight vaginas and therefore prefer small, thin women, over and above larger women? I ask, because, a gay man once told me, although not attracted to women in general, nonetheless was ableto be turned on occasionally by a very masculine type woman who was extermely thin (and also hairy and flat chested!) and had a very tight vagina .

December 23, 2012 - 2:22am

I am 28 and my boyfriend of five years is the same way. We have a one year old and he stays home and I work 2 jobs .I do everything financially . He has been depressed for years but it has to do with his childhood and life in general. We have sex maybe if I'm lucky 2 times a month we argue like every other day because I accuse him of being unfaithful to me

November 25, 2012 - 3:59pm

i have exactly the same problem and it's so painful to bear with because sex is very important to me. I know how you feel

November 22, 2012 - 9:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to vvanderlust)

I understand how alot of you feel. Ive been living with my GF for the last 8 weeks, we started off strong, but as the weeks built up, its gotten to the point that all my advances to be intermit to make love etc, to try and put her in the mood, soft kisses etc are just brushed off. She now also spend more time hanging out with her sisters. We still sleep together but its like im now just a burden and no longer wanted. We havent had sex for the last 3 weeks and the most we have had is 4 times in the last 8 weeks. Our relationship is new but it all feels so empty now which is really depressing.

December 3, 2012 - 11:53am

I have tried talking to him about it, he says that his sex drive isn't as high as mine and that at first the relationship was based on sex, but now it's progressed to something more emotional rather than physical. In my opinion it should be both, but what bothers me is that I know he is masturbating daily, even probably when I'm at his apartment.

November 20, 2012 - 1:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to lss12)

Hi Iss12,  

There's not doubt, that stress and the rush of daily life can put some burden on his sex drive.  But, if he is still has the need to masturbate then his sex drive is not all gone. If he doesn't want to see a doctor and explain what is happening.  You will then have to make a decision for yourself. 

Best of luck,


November 20, 2012 - 1:28pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi lss12,

Welcome to EmpowHER.  Am sure it's not an easy thing to deal with.  But it's important, to let him know how you feel about him doing all these things.  If he is willing to save the relationship with you, it's best to seek help from a therapist.  He might also, need to get a complete physical test done from his healthcare provider.  Sometimes low levels of hormones, can cause a lack of sex drive in men.  

Wish you the best,


November 20, 2012 - 12:54pm
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