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Why does my LDR boyfriend refuse to be sexual with me?

By Anonymous November 23, 2014 - 12:06pm
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I met my long distance boyfriend online close to five years ago. We've been together now for 3 years and believe it or not, this is my first real relationship. I've always looked at relationships as finding your forever mate, not just finding something to hold you over. So when I fall in love (which is rare), I fall in love for real and I always try to imagine the man I'm with as someone who could father my children. So being this "uptight" about getting a boyfriend, I never really dated in HS or college because I was just too picky. I would have never dreamed of falling in love online. I wasn't looking for it, it just happened over years of spending so much time together everyday online. Fast forward to now, he's everything I'd want in a husband/father, but at times he makes me feel really neglected. There are times when he ignores me in ways that makes me feel so lonely and so romantically deprived. First of all (in case you haven't guessed already) I'm a virgin. I'm saving myself for when we at least live together. I'm not necessarily waiting for marriage, I just want to know I'm giving my virginity to the right one. Despite being a virgin, however, I'm not a saint. I am actually very sexual and I would love to do things with my boyfriend even though we're long distance. I would love to share dirty pics or have a dirty conversation, I would even love to be romantic with him over Skype. Anything. Dear God, I would love ANYTHING. But every single time I bring it up, he shoots me down. It's always he's too tired, or he has to work early the next morning, and he always makes me feel bad about it. He always blames it on me. He always says "Really? You want to do that right now?! I'm sleeping" (if I call him too late), or he will say "Well we would be more sexual if you didn't want to fight all of the time, we're always fighting and we never have to chance to do those things." Which isn't true, by the way. He hasn't been sexual with me in over a year, and before that it was probably another year. All throughout this relationship he's never really been "hot" for me, in the beginning I just thought he was nervous about it but now I'm just starting to feel like I'm being bullied. I know, I know, my first thought was, well maybe he's being pleasured by someone else. I'm so damn far away, I guess I'd never know, right? But the thing is, we're online with each other literally all night every single night. He's never ever missed a night without being online with me in the past 4 years. Not only that, but he calls me all day during his breaks at work and on his days off we're always together online, playing video games or chatting. I can call whenever, and he's never not answered. I'm positive that there's nobody else because we have an extremely open line of communication and in general I think he's a pretty honest person, so what's the deal? It's gotten so bad that I cry about it all of the time. I feel like a sick person, he makes me feel like I'm perverted. Like if I'm asking something crazy from him. Now whenever I bring it up he gets angry and says sarcastic things like "Well maybe you should just go have sex with someone else then if you're that excited". And from there we start to argue and it escalates and eventually we just get so tired of arguing that we sweep it under the rug and it's another few months of not bringing it up. I just don't get it. I know we're far away but there are still things he can do or say to me to make me feel like a woman, if you know what I'm saying. But he acts like it's this crazy thing and I'm this crazy person. What kind of man acts like that? It's just starting to make me feel like crap, like if he doesn't care about my needs. I need to feel close to him, I need to share that romance with him. Why is he putting himself before me? For the last few months I've found myself starting to miss my ex boyfriends. How messed up is that? All I can do is sit around and think about how much they cared about pleasuring me, and how this man I'm with now, who I love more than anyone I've ever loved, doesn't care anything about that. I just don't know what to do. I can't even have "me time" anymore because I usually fantasize about him, but recently every time I try to think about us making love it just makes me sad. I'm depressed and it almost makes me feel worthless. Why doesn't my man want me?

FYI - we're currently waiting for his visa. He lives in Mexico so it's been a long, tedious process to get him here but we're finally going to be together in March of next year (that is, if we last that long).

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi there,

Your husband wants to be 'dirty' too, but for whatever reason is embarrassed he might not turn you on with it - and that if he did he'd be s**t in bed anyway and you'd leave him because of it.

You're welcome,


May 21, 2017 - 10:39am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi there,

I see that this post was from over two years ago, and I'm hoping you were able to talk it through with your boyfriend face-to-face and it's resolved by now. I don't know if I can be of much help, but I thought I'd still share my experience. I actually came across your post while trying to figure out my own frustrations with a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend who lives in Europe (and I live in the U.S.) for just over two years now. My boyfriend and I started our relationship online as well, but I went over to meet him in reality a few months into the relationship, and he came over twice to the States, and recently I had just made my trip over to Europe to see him again. With continuous back-and-forth traveling to each other's country as "tourists," the longest we could physically be together was 3 months due to tourist status restrictions. This is a general picture to show you how majority of the 2 years of our relationship consisted of online interaction. Before we had met in reality, we had already engaged in video call sex multiple times. Then when we first saw each other in reality, we decided to have actual sex. Whenever we are physically together, we had regular sex. Then during periods of separation, we tried to best-fulfill our physical desires through video call sex. Mostly he would ask me for it (at least once a week), and other times, it was me initiating it. This continued for over one year into the relationship. Then right after my boyfriend went back to Europe after having spent 3 months with me in the States, he stopped asking me for cam sex, despite that we had months ahead of us before we could see each other again. His excuses consisted of being too tired (there is a 9-hour difference between where I am and where he is), his genital has a weird nerve sensation, for which he had actually gone to see a doctor, and mainly, that he just wasn't into virtual sex anymore. He's tired of it despite that he enjoyed it a lot in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I want real sex, our situation is that we cannot be physically together and virtual sex is the only means to come as close to having real sex. Instead, he decides to masturbate while watching pornography from time to time. We got into arguments more frequently in the beginning, because he would feel pressured when I brought up this subject. I've been letting him be and not asking any questions about it. This has been months since I didn't even bring it up. As much as I want to give him space and not bother him about it, I can't help but find it so strange and empty how someone who used to love virtual sex so much does not want it anymore. Also I find virtual sex a way to grow intimacy between us, and having this part disappear all of a sudden, I feel that we are subconsciously growing farther apart in other aspects of our relationship. I prize our romantic and emotional attachment more than our physical/sexual interactions, but I feel that the latter cannot go absent all of a sudden in a healthy relationship. He still says he loves me, finds me attractive, sexy, and that it's not me, but just his sudden lack of interest in virtual sex and his growing need for physical sex. I find this difficult to believe and only take it as an excuse seeing he watches porn once in a while to take care of his needs (for which his excuse is that it's just "easier" to do it by himself sometimes). I definitely miss virtual sex with him, and today he said he wanted to ask me but decided against it. This isn't the only time he would pour such excuses. I think some men are just like that. They prefer to just not do anything (not even virtual sex, which comes closest to real sex for long distance couples) if it isn't real sex. I stopped overthinking like I did before, as I learned it wasn't healthy for myself. Before I was worried I wasn't attractive or exciting enough for him anymore. It really isn't that, but mainly that he's just not into virtual sex anymore regardless of how he was before.

January 15, 2017 - 2:28am


Hi Anonymous and thanks for sharing your story with the EmpowHER community.

It sounds like it would be helpful for you to meet face to face with a real live counselor who can help you sort out your conflicting feelings.

You state that this virtual stranger is "everything I'd want in a husband/father" while you also state that you "feel like I'm being bullied" and "he makes me feel like I'm perverted" and his behaviors are "starting to make me feel like crap" and you state you are "depressed" and " it almost makes me feel worthless."

It sounds like you are basing your own self-worth on the actions, or lack of actions, on the part of someone you have never met and only know online. To have a healthy relationship with anyone, including this person, you need to work on your view of yourself and on building your own self-esteem first.

That's difficult to do online, which is why I suggest you find a qualified, licensed professional therapist or counselor who can help you get your life on track so that you can better understand what is best for you and not base your life decisions on what sounds like trying to please a fantasized version of a person you have never actually met.

When you have your own head straight it will be a lot easier to be forthright, ask for what you want, and decide if you want to continue to pursue this relationship or if you want to take another direction with your life.

Hope that helps,


November 23, 2014 - 1:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Pam Ellen)

Hey Pam, thank you very much for your reply, although I'm not sure if you quite understand my situation, but that's understandable considering that I didn't say much else besides talk about the main problem in my long distance relationship. I do agree with you, though, about not being able to fully resolve anything whilst continuing a strictly online relationship. That's 100% true, and that's why we've been going through hell trying to get his visa so that he can come here, which I actually talked about briefly at the bottom of my original post, he will be here in March. He's a Mexican citizen and I'm American, so it's not like he can just come over whenever we want so that we can talk about things, and I'm not going to pay thousands of dollars in therapy just because of that. I think it was insensitive and just unrealistic of you to suggest that. I would have elaborated about my relationship further but my post was already way longer than I wanted it to be. I just wanted some advice on what's going on sexually with my boyfriend right now, I wasn't looking for a self evaluation. I don't need therapy. Although, yes, of course the way my boyfriend is effects me, that doesn't mean I'm mentally unstable or need professional help. I'm just trying to figure out if anyone one else has gone through this, or if anyone else has had this problem with another man in an LDR.

November 23, 2014 - 1:55pm
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