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why doesn't my husband of only 1 year want to have sex as often as i do?

By Anonymous June 22, 2010 - 12:58pm
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I am 39 years old. We've only been married a year and he already is loosing interest in sex. We were very sexually active in the begining and now it seems like it's just me who still wants to have sex all the time, and he's not as interested. It went from several times a day, to every 3 days, and now once a week. I have gained some weight, but so has he! He still turns me on very much! What could it be?
Help! It's killing my self asteam!... Susan

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Have you spoken to your husband about this? What is his "side" of the story?

I think it is important to know (I'm sure you do), that most couples' sex lives do change over the course of the relationship. This is a GOOD thing, as long as there is open communication between you and you are both feeling satisfied, loved and enjoying each other. Many relationships do start out "hot and heavy", with frequent physical contact. This, of course, can not last. A healthy relationship includes physical intimacy, but it can not ONLY include this; having sex several times every-single day leaves little time for other activities. Healthy relationships include time apart and time together. Healthy relationships include time together that is physical, but also time that is getting to know each other in other ways---such as sharing a favorite activity, hobby or sport. Equally important is having "down time" together, and working as a team on those other life "must's": paying bills, cleaning house, doing the dishes, discussing budgets, meeting family obligations. Did I mention time away, too? Spending quality time alone, with friends and family...these are all very important things you bring to your relationship. There is not enough time in the day to accomplish all of these things,and still be intimate with your partner 2-3 times every day. This brings me back to my first statement...it is a GOOD thing that sex frequency decreases throughout your relationship, as it is maturing and growing.

What is not OK is that you are feeling that he is "losing interest" in sex. It is important to "check in" with each other, to talk about what your "ideal" physical/intimate relationship would be together. What is his ideal, regarding quantity, frequency, duration, location...all of these factors are what you can get to know about your new husband. Maybe his ideal is sex twice/week, and he would like to spend his other time with you going out and trying new restaurants or seeing new sights. It is important for you to discuss with him about what your preferences and "ideal" is as well. Are you more concerned about the quantity (certain number of times per week) or are you more concerned about the quality? Does this have more to do with you feeling unloved (as it is "killing your self esteem", or is it truly about just the sex? Do you want more physical contact that is not just intercourse throughout the day? Are you wanting more sweet, romantic "I love you" gestures? How else can your husband show you that he loves you?

Let me know what your thoughts are, as I hope you do not feel too bombarded with questions!

June 22, 2010 - 2:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

He's very sweet. He tells me he loves me all the time. And I no longer want sex 2-3 times a day either, but still it seems as though I want to have sex more often then he does. I guess the question stuck in my head is Whyn doesn't he want me like I want him? If he loves me so much wouldn't he desire to make love to me and express that to me sexually like I do with him? Also I feel that he controls our sexual relationship, maybe even using it to reward or even punish me at times, because he knows I am in my prime as a woman my age and have never been so easily aroused in my life! He calls all the shots when it comes to sex almost as if I have no say. It's never when I want to. Its only whenever HE'S READY.

June 22, 2010 - 4:22pm
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