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Wondering if I have sex phobia ?

By July 18, 2014 - 3:47am
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hello.I've just got married and I am turning 40 yrs old soon. I know my husband for many years before marriage, but we never had sexual intercourse due to religious matters. Now that we came to a wonderful decision to share life and have a family hopefully not late, I started to feel I am destroying my marriage at its very beautiful passionate beginning because I can't bear the pain or even the idea to be undergoing the pain of first time sex.
The problem is we have tried many times during 2 months but still no results. I tried preparing myself physically and morally, well dressed up, with candles, nice meals..to clear away my fear but when he comes to me in bed, I start feeling the panic even if he is cuddling me. I resist him with all power and scream as if he is a raper not my husband He is so helpful and tried all he can with me but he is not a stone, he gets angry and upset and avoids me sometimes. I am really scared of putting my marriage in a serious matter especially that sex is important in a couples' life. Also I want to have a baby. I tried one finger, two fingers, not more but I can't bear the penis 's size to be forced in or tearing tissues in my vagina. please, I would be grateful if u save a life of a married couple who found settlement at last but it could be lost forever. we love each other.
Thank you for setting up this site .

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Hi Mela!

So happy I was able to help :) Please keep me updated if you have any other questions! 


August 14, 2014 - 4:18pm

Hi mela,

Thank you for sharing your question on EmpowHER! Having sex with someone for the first time is a big commitment and can definitely trigger emotions and nervousness.

Have you expressed your concerns thoroughly with your husband? I think explaining exactly why you are nervous and that you are concerned about experiencing pain for the first time is necessary. Open communication is important and will help both you and your husband communicate each other's concerns. 

Experimenting with outercourse and other actions of intimacy will help you learn what exactly makes you aroused and will give you a better sense of your body. This can also help minimize pain and mentally and emotionally prepare you for actual intercourse for the first time with your husband.

Some tips Columbia Health recommends when preparing for intercourse for the first time include, focusing on things like kissing and touching to increase arousal before intercourse, taking deep breaths and trying your best to relax, and expressing to your partner what feels good.

It might also help to use a lubricant, which can make it easier and less painful to engage in intercourse.  

Remember that the first time may not always go as well as you imagined. It takes time and open communication between you and your partner to understand each other's sexual preferences and to build a strong sexual relationship.

I hope this helped with your concern! Please keep me updated and let me know if you have further questions.



July 20, 2014 - 1:41pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Erin Kennedy)

Hi Erin. I lost my password and username to log in in but I hope u receive this reply.I asked a question about whether I have a sex phobia.my name is MELA. Thank you very much for your reply to me . it helped me a lot and even I felt as not what I was expecting.I mean I had no pain at all that I was laughing crazily because I felt I was silly in a sense.and of course we managed we a lot of lubrication that really helped me for several days. Thank u once more.

August 7, 2014 - 4:10am
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