It was my first competitive 5K foot race, and I intended to win in my age category. Thousands of runners gathered here every year. Many of them didn't care about winning, or even about running. They came for the after party. But for me, this was serious business.
I adjusted the tongue on my shoe. Noticing the wiry veterans all around me, I thought, These guys are going to trample me if I don't keep up. I didn't belong at the front of the pack with the 7-minute-mile guys, and I knew it. But according to the race rules, whatever time was on the race clock when I crossed the finish line was the time I had to report; keeping your own time was not allowed.
The crowd was huge again this year- if I started the race at the back of the start pack with the 9-minute-mile guys, it would take me five minutes on the race clock just to reach the start line. That's a lot of time to make up. I decided to take the risk, start out fast, and hang on.
May 31st was a special day for me. It was the anniversary of my first marriage. That marriage ended painfully and left an indelible stain of defeat. Every year when May 31st rolled around, that stain resurfaced. I saw this race as my chance to create a new memory, to celebrate a new anniversary, to change May 31st from a day of sadness to a day of celebration.
The starter gun went off, and so did we. The first mile was hell. As much as I'd trained, I hadn't been prepared for how difficult it was going to be, but I kept digging inside, reminding myself that this race was about more than running. It was about rewriting my history and recreating myself.
I turned the final corner, and with legs of rubber and lungs of fire, I pressed onward. I crossed the finish line and handed in my time. Good enough for second place in my age category. I was thrilled in a way I'd never known before. May 31 was a new anniversary.
A few minutes later, I overheard a couple of women handing their times in. One of them submitted a time that was shorter than mine, even though she came in after me. She kept her own time, and bumped me into third place.
I filed a complaint, but the race was sponsored by my company, and they shrugged it off and told me not to make a big deal out of it. (Of course, none of them ran - they stayed in the party tent and watched as we passed.) I escalated my complaint, but the volunteer leader was also my superior at my job. She vetoed my objections, with a strong message to drop it. Enraged, I obeyed.
A couple of weeks after race day, two big beautiful blue boxes were delivered to our office. The first- and second-place winners were awarded exquisite crystal bowls from Tiffany as prizes.
It hit me. My real opportunity had been to change my response to bullying by sticking up for myself. That May 31st, I didn't change my history, I repeated it. I lost the prize not because I wasn't capable of victory, but because I failed to respect and protect myself. There is a big empty space on my mantle as testament to my willingness to obey and to the enduring pain of participating in my own victimization.
In strength,
Julie
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Add a Comment7 Comments
Julie,
I agree with Alysia and Kristin, your commitment and focus and care about yourself is what makes you NOT a victim, but a winner..you OWN your race time! :-)
And, in one of the latest SHARE stories (https://www.empowher.com/community/blog/bhavini211/thinking-positive), she writes about the power of positive thinking and changing our perspective and how we perceive and choose to label our histories.
From my perspective, you DID stand up for yourself, and made a (probable) wise decision to let it be. There is a real gift in walking the tight rope in business relationships, and winning the battle does not necessarily guarantee that you are not a victim; you had control over the situation and choose to take a different path (victims, by definition, do not have this choice and free will). Standing up for yourself, and choosing to do what is right for you and the bigger picture is invaluable! You may have given an even greater gift to the "self-timing" 2nd place woman...who knows what May 31st meant to her?!
You sound like a very strong woman, and perhaps the other lesson you were meant to learn that day was the Art of Letting Go?!
May 31, 2008 - 7:32pmThis Comment
I was thinking about the business aspect of it, too. If it hadn't been connected with my job, I surely would have made more of a stink about it.
And you're right - I know women who victimize themselves under the guise of standing up for themselves. One woman I know recently learned that her job was in jeopardy because of performance issues, so she just quit - she said she refused to let them humiliate her by firing her. But in truth, there was plenty of time and opportunity for her to go to her boss and make an honest attempt at saving her job. Now she's back on welfare, blaming others, and failing to see how she contributed to her own suffering.
Self-sabotage isn't always obvious. Those who are really good at it can always make someone else look like the bad guy. I know because I did this for long time. Fitness has actually taught me a lot about true strength and self-reliance.
Julie
http://www.BodyWizards.com
June 1, 2008 - 8:48amThe Power to Build your Ideal Body
This Comment
Julie - you will get that trophy someday!
As for me, I'm happy with finisher's medals, hahaha!
May 30, 2008 - 4:19pmThis Comment
It's good to be happy with the Finisher's Medal - there are many more of those to go around! Maybe the key to being satisfied is to be happy with doing our best.
It doesn't make sense to require more of ourselves than that; that's just seeking the impossible. Our "best" may change over time, but as long as we continue to reach for it and meet it, what else can we really ask??
Julie
June 1, 2008 - 8:33amhttp://www.BodyWizards.com
The Power to Build your Ideal Body
This Comment
"Never look back" is a great maxim.
I know I still came in second, and I know I accomplished much in the trying. But you know, sometimes you just want the trophy! :)
Maybe it's time to run another 5K (yikes!)
Julie
May 30, 2008 - 10:18amhttp://www.BodyWizards.com
This Comment
There's way more to this story than simply winning (or not winning) the prize.
But since winning was your focus, you should feel good about the fact that you did win, regardless of the fact that it wasn't publicly acknowledged. What's important is what lies in your heart, not on your mantle. :)
Kristin Davis
May 29, 2008 - 10:42pmhttp://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
This Comment
You were a winner the minute you committed your first step toward that starting line. Remember that, not the painful anniversary.
Never look back. :)
May 29, 2008 - 6:41pmThis Comment