I feel alone and confused!!
My name is Cera and I am 31 and married to my best friend for 3 years on the 21st of august, at least I thought I was.......We have been together since 2007 and we have always been best friends, we do everything together and loved every minute of it! I couldnt have asked for anything better! He loved my children like they were his own and that was my main concern in finding someone to spend my life with!
Now when we met I found out when he was young he had cancer and had a life saving bone marrow transplant. The cancer left him sterile, I always wanted more children and I had made the decision that I loved him so much I will sacrafice more children, plus I have 2 that I love and he does too, as if they are his.
About 2 years ago things started to go downhill. He landed in the hospital with pneomona in 3 out of 4 chambers of his lungs, they transported him to a bigger hospital for more specialty doctors and testing. We then found out that he was inches from death when he arrived and he was lucky to get there when he did. Test after test after test, we find out he also has right sided heart failure, they told us his heart is that of a 70 year old mans.......he was 37 at the time!
So theres is a lot more to the story but it would take forever to write. He is on a cocktail of meds daily for his heart and lungs, including steriods. He also has chronic back pain the will put him in bed for days....so he is also on narcodic pain pills and pain patches!
My best friend has done a 180, he is a stranger.......this is horrible! He yells and screams at my Children and it breaks my heart to know what they did have with him and now what it is! That in turn has turned me away from him, I love this man so much more then I could ever describe....but I love my children more!
I know what he is going through, I understand, but he treats us so badly and I cant talk to him about it and if I interviene in his yell at my kids, I get yelled at. He refuses therapy, he wont even go alone.
I wake up throughout the night to check on him, he is on oxygen, I am so worried about him.
Anyway I just feel so alone, almost abandoned by my best friend, we do not have sex, and we went from holding hands ALL the time and never leaving eachother or getting off the phone without I Love You. Now Im lucky if he looks at me or agknowledges me without anger, there are glimpeses of the man I married in there, but I cant live on a glimpse! Mostly I cannot continue to raise my children in these conditions. They are 12 and 14 and are being drill sargented by him, it hurts me so bad to see them just take this and quietly say ok to him, if they dare to speak out to defend themselves he is screaming.
I feel he is trying to control everything he can since his health is out of control.....
I am not scared or threatened by him, it is just a lot of negativity, I just do not know what to do anymore, I married this man and I love him, I cannot just leave him, even if I wanted to I would feel as if I couldnt do that to him, I feel so bad for him on one hand and the other is just screaming what about my kids and my own life!!
I recieve attention from other men and it makes me feel good, I would never cheat but I it makes me feel good!
I am starting a business and all at the same time he is unable to work.....he is waiting on disability. So now we are losing money and our parents have to help us pay bills. I cannot stand not being independant.
I am confused I am alone I am struggling