The Raw Truth. Wishing for the End
It is comforting knowing that so many women are in the same situation that I am in. My husband's two kidney transplants, dialysis, aortic valve replacement, femoral artery replacement, and countless other problems have led to 25 years of suffering for both of us. Our marriage is loveless, too much to endure most of the time. We are roommates at best. I bet he feels the same way.
I want to run away, to start a new life before it's too late. My life is half over and there are so many things that I want to do, but I feel trapped, for better or worse. Do you feel the same way?
My dreams for my life have been smashed. I hoped we would earn a living together, retire together, travel together. I thought that I would stay so in love that I longed to be with him. But these dreams have died a slow death because of his illness and I know now that my hopes and dreams must change course now.
I am too selfish to languish with him. I fight every day to be happy in the midst of prolonged anguish. There are things that I have been waiting to do, longing to do and now I have to do them for myself. I only have one life to live and I have been so stifled for so many years, choosing to not do that these things because he was unable and I didn't want to leave him behind. Now, I don't want to be old and feel regretful over not doing these things. But ... the guilt is killing me.
I'm afraid that God will be mad at me, that He would expect me to sacrifice my happiness to care for my husband, but I can't. I've sacrificed so much already and now it's time for me to think of me. God please forgive me.
The viscous cycle of wishing for the end, then the tremendous guilt that follows those thoughts, is more than I can bear some days. It has turned me into a cold-hearted person. The only way that I feel I can cope with this is to turn my back on the daily grind of all of these issues and forge ahead and find my own success and happiness. This is something that I have to do, that I must do for my own mental health.
Sisters, thanks for listening. I know now that I am not alone in my feelings, and I am eternally grateful for that. It does ease the guilt somewhat to hear that my feelings are ...human.
I would love to know if anyone else is struggling in the same way.