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By July 17, 2017 - 10:41pm

Hi, I have a good husband who was very hardworking and supported his family well for many years. He has recently fully retired and has several serious illnesses and is now grouchy and takes his problems out on me. I was seriously ill the beginning of the year and then I had two terrible losses of close family members all in one month. Since then my husband has been hospitaized 3 times and I am physically and emotionally overwhelmed. I am trying to keep myself together and take care of my own health!!! We used to take 2 or 3 short vacations a year to nearby states but because of his health problems, we can't do that now. I'm hoping we can go on a very nearby small vacation soon. We haven't been doing very much and are getting on each other's nerves. None of my close friends live near me and I'm lonely. Thank God, our son, his wife and our grandchildren live nearby and we see them about every two weeks. But, we really need to see people closer to our own age, too. I'd love to hear from other ladies who can relate to my problems. Waiting to hear from other ladies!!!

By July 5, 2019 - 7:49am

I haven't looked at this cite for a couple of years . I have had the same experience as so many women caring for sick partners and it sucked the life and joy right out of me. Last year, I took the plunge and moved out into my own apartment. I continued to look after him as much as I could and in fact our relationship got better when I wasn't living under the same roof. All my expectations vanished. We had stopped going out, eating out, having company, having sex - everything. Now I don't expect that or at least their absence isn't right in my face. A month ago we sold our home and he now has an apartment fairly close to me and we continue a sort of friendship. It was the best decision of my life even though it has been a tough adjustment, going through the grief of what was lost and learning to be alone. The illness was a dark and ugly cloud and even just hthe body sounds were driving me crazy. They were, quite simply, gross. Believe it or not, he now has more dignity because he can suffer without trying to hide the pain or the noise. Something for you all to think about.

July 5, 2019 - 7:49am
By March 29, 2018 - 6:18am

Hi joy19. I have a chronically ill husband that is now retired. He went out on a medical leave in 2013 that went to a disability retirement and is now considered retired. I am 59 years old and have felt very controlled by my husband's in t Currently he suffers from gout, arthritis, back issues and a brain tumor. Actually, ever since we married in 2001 I have felt controlled. Even when we did work, my husband tried very hard to have us working together somewhere. That was hard as I could never engage with other people at lunch or break time as he wanted to spend that time with me. I left work in 2012 and enjoyed 4 months of what felt like "normal" life. He would go to work and I would be home taking care of things. But then he went off on medical leave and has been home every day since. Money is tight and as much as I would like to return to work (just to get a break from him) I would most likely lose my job with all the time off I would need for his needs and doctors appointments. Intimacy disappeared a few years ago . . . He always seemed to be in pain or sick. Can' tell you the last time we were intimated together. I'm guessing about 5 years now. Besides pain he also has a hearing problem which requires me to often repeat myself. I get frustrated after a while and wish I could be more patient. My husband is also having vision problems which requires me to do all the driving. He is not a good passenger as he has to tell me how to drive constantly! And the doctors taking away his driving privileges hasn't set well with him. Keeps telling me he's getting on his motorcycle as soon as it warms up. While his youngest son and family live 5 minutes from us, they have very little to do with him/us and there is no support that would allow me a break from my husband as he spends time with them. His oldest son is out of the country so he nor his family is available for help. My bright spot each week is watching my grandson. But my husband can make that difficult with his lousy mood or by scheduling a doctor's appointment on the one day I have my grandson. I am very frustrated and tired. I want to be compassionate and understanding but find it difficult with each passing day. The one thing I am doing to keep my sanity is sewing/quilting. It's the one thing I have some control over and my husband doesn't do. (Although, he is asking me to teach him to sew . . .). I do feel very isolated and let down by family and my church. I often feel that I have to face this all by myself. You are blessed if you son and family are maintaining a healthy relationship with you. I also know as a caretaker, it's difficult to take care of your own health. I struggle with this for myself as I have such high demands with my husband that the last thing I feel like doing sometimes is sitting in a doctors office for myself. I did start trying to participate in a service project once a month as something just for me. When my husband feels up to it, I try to take him shopping or somewhere where we can walk around and be a part of the outside world. I have found that people who have not been a caretaker, especially to a chronically ill spouse, well they just have no idea how hard and isolating this can be. I feel there's a lot of guilt as the caretaker spouse as it is hard to always be compassionate and patient. We marry "for better or for worse" but none of us ever realized how hard "the worse" could be some days. I don't have a whole lot of answers but I do understand how hard your position is right now. I hope that you are able to get that mini vacation you spoke of soon. Hang in there . . .

March 29, 2018 - 6:18am

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