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I don't know what to do

By October 3, 2011 - 7:06am

I stumbled upon this site, looking for answers. I relocated with my husband of 2 years to another State, he lost his job , we were in trouble financially, after 4 months, he accepted the first job offer he got. I have one child with my Ex husband of 14 years of marriage. He did not want to go to mediation. My ex is very angry and hurt that I divorced him, he wants revenge and his only pawn left is our little girl. After years of suffering in that marriage, I was done. I went to trial, I had a crappy attorney who sat there and didn't fight for me, he had a great attorney who attacked me for 6hours using back and forth emails between my ex after the divorce as "evidence". Judge ordered my 9 year old little girl to stay with my ex-husband to "continue her good life here in FL". He had to admit I was a good mother. I was more than a good mother, I was a full time mother, I did everything, took my baby to the doctor, hairdresser, extra curricular, I'd help in class with her teachers. My little girl was with Mom the majority of the time, and my husband worked full time.
Everyone was shocked at the outcome of the trial. No one can believe that a Judge can take a little girl from a full time good mother and place her in the hands of a single father. My little girl loves her stepfather (my current husband) and wanted to live with us. She was devastated when she found out what the Judge had decided.
We are all trying to live. I am trying to keep up regular contact with my little girl and my ex is making it difficult - on purpose. His ultimate goal is to alienate her from her mother.
I have no history of drug abuse or mental illness. Because I thought those were the only cases where a Judge might consider removing a young child from a full time mother's care. I was wrong. The good life my little girl had in FL was with her mother. Now she tells me "dad is too busy, he has no time for me". I am appealing the Judge's decision, it was very one sided, he only had consideration for the father's relationship with the child. Life is difficult these days, in this economy. People are loosing jobs. To survive, we must relocate if the job is elsewhere, my husband and I did the long distance thing for 6 months, it was hard. To make a long story short, I feel like my arm has been sawn off. I am in deep depression and I know it. I have days when I convince myself to cheer up but there is a mother/child chemical bond that has been broken and I am suffering deeply. I hate myself. I want to die some days. Because of my depression, my wonderful husband is hurting, it hurts him to see me this way. I feel ugly and I behave ugly. He suggested I see a therapist but I said "are they going to bring back my child?". I have bad high blood pressure, I can feel it getting worse, even on the meds I'm on. I have an appointment with the Dr tomorrow and so far I've put those off like the plague, I don't really want to know. I love my husband and he used to love me, I'm not sure he does anymore and I don't blame him, I'm not the person he married. Since the Trial, I've become Mrs ugly.
I don't even know what questions to ask you ladies, because I don't know what to do.
I guess I need to ask you this: how do I get out of this hole? How do I help my husband love me again and find me attractive again?
My little girl is coming over the long weekend next week. I'll see her for 21/2 days in 5 weeks. She is with me for all of the holidays, it's not enough when you are used to being a full time mom. It hurts.

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