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Does my husband not want sex from me, or in general Join this Group

boyfriend withholding sex

By October 24, 2011 - 1:42pm

hello, this is my first post on here. was wondering if anyone could advise?

I am 49 years of age and I have been involved with a younger guy for nearly 4 years now. He is 29. The age difference has not been a problem for us. My partner has always dated mature ladies.

My partner suffers from depression, he was when we first met and was already on medication to treat it. He still takes the same meds now. Also I am no stranger to depression as I have suffered from it over the years. I have not taken meds for over 8 years now.

Our sex life wasnt always over the top, but it satisfied me and I think him. we have always enjoyed cuddling and kissing and holding hands. we are both very romantic.
The trouble is my partner says he has lost his sex drive and he wont go to see his doctor about it. this has been going on for several months now. he just doesnt want to know even though he feels awful about it. I have even thought he may be cheating on me and have become very suspicious as this has never bothered him before. I am able to excite him but he will not do anything about it. this is making me feel very undesirable and feeling down. he says he still is in love with me and wants to stay in this relationship. we are more like buddies than lovers. we do not live together as we both have our own places. i only see him once a week, either he comes to mine or vice versa. i have to give him plenty of notice before i visit him though as he is embarrased about the mess his flat is in....not that it bothers me. i just keep getting a nagging feeling that all is not what it seems. perhaps its me? i am going through the menopause and i get very anxious and paranoid about most things lately. I have 3 children aged 26, 16 and 14. I am insulin diabetic and have neuropathy in my feet which can be painful. I am not enjoying anything in my life at present.

By November 28, 2011 - 5:53pm

jellyellie, I feel your pain. And I'm so sorry your'e going through this too. By him wanting you to give him notice before you show up at his door sounds like he has something to hide.... maybe another woman or is he doing drugs? I'm not sure, but it sounds fishy to me. Why don't you show up unannounced sometime and just tell him you had trouble getting through to him by phone. Just see what happens. Yeah, I'm a good one to be giving advice aren't I?

November 28, 2011 - 5:53pm
By November 28, 2011 - 5:47pm

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. At first, we had sex all the time and little by little he became less interested. I was to the point of crying and begging and telling him how hurt I was. He didn't seem bothered by it at all. I became paranoid, thinking he was cheating... which I'm still not convinced he's not. He's on the computer a lot and when I asked to see his contacts he refused... so no wonder I'm suspicious. I kept telling him to go to the dr. and he never would. Finally, I found some viagra pills that he was hiding and he finally admitted that he needs "help" to get excited. That really does a lot for my self esteem... which by the way thanks to him I have none. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've considered cheating just to get sexual satisfaction, but I've not gotten to that point yet. We sometimes go 2 months without sex. Anyone have any advice?

November 28, 2011 - 5:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
By Anonymous November 28, 2011 - 3:58pm

Hi jellyellie,

Welcome to EmpowHER and thanks for sharing your story.  The fact you are going through Menopause and your boyfriend not having any sex drive can be very difficult and frustrating for you and probably for him.  The cause for his lack of sex drive can be due to part depression and a low libido.  It would be good for him to see a doctor and have him check his hormonal level. 

Here's a link that can help





November 28, 2011 - 3:58pm

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alone75 Hello, I am almost 36 years old. My husband is almost 38. When we first met, I had just gotten out of a 12 year relationship. My ex took it upon himself to find someone else when I was 7 months pregnant. My little girl will be 4 in june, and my husband has been raising her like his own since she was about 2-3months. We are in the process of having him adopt her. Since we have been together, we have had another child. For about the past 2 and a half years, we have grown apart sexually. To the point of me wanting attention from my ex. A while back, about 2 years ago, I spent the night with my ex, but had no sex. I wanted to though, because I wasn't getting touched anymore from my husband. It now is going on six months without sex. He has a variety of excuses. He says he thinks his testosterone is low, but when I tell him to see a doctor, he finds excuses not to. Then he says he wants me to make the first move. When I tell him that after so many months of no touch, I am embarrassed to make the first move, which he calls infantile. Once he said I didn't deserve his touch. Another time he just expressed how evil I was. I wanted everyone to know I am not perfect. I did go to my ex for the emotional comfort. I know that was emotional cheating. I feel like a monster. I had to tell him though because I wanted him to have a choice of stay or go. About a month ago, now me and my best friend who is a girl played around a little. She is bisexual, and I was just so...ummm....in the mood. I have known her for years. The day we messed around(I did not do anything oral) my husband had told me to get the [email protected]#k out of the house. I was plain fed up. I did tell him a few days later. He was upset, but not upset like when I had the emotional affair with my ex. All of this started though when he stopped being intimate. I didn't do this stuff while we were happy. It just happened because I am lonely. He comes home from work at around 11p, (he gets out around 10:30p) takes his sleeping meds, go to his computer, does whatever he does, plays his guitart, then when the medication hits him he comes to bed and passes out. I dread his days off because we yell. He has pushed me on one occasion, and smacked my leg on one occasion. It has only happened those few times, and I have been in a physically abusive relationship before, and this definetly does not strike me as one, pun intended. I don't know what to do. My girls love him so much, and he loves them. He gets irrate when I mention divorce, then calls me a quitter and loser. He says I am dooming myself because my parents are divorced. Well, my grandparents on both sides of my family were not divorced, and I have seen happy marriages and have faith that I can have one too. Just because it may not be with him, does not mean it can not happen. BTW, he is divorced. He got a divorce after 6 months of marriage. Please someone help me, I know I am not perfect, and if anyone thinks I am trashy, that is okay too. I am just the intimate type, who feels sex is important. I know if I condition my lifestyle to abstinence, it will be for him, and i will forever harbour resentment towards him for that, which is not fair to either one of us.


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