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The Emotional Aftermath of a Miscarriage

By HERWriter March 15, 2011 - 5:02pm

As many as 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (including those miscarriages that happen before a woman knows she's pregnant). That's an alarming number. And it means there's a large segment of mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. This thread is for you to share your miscarriage story with other women.

By May 6, 2011 - 3:38pm

My OB/GYN says that there's obviously something wrong, because of my age and inability to continue a pregnancy, but she can't find what's wrong. My ovaries look good and I don't have a tipped or T shaped uterus. My husband had a sperm analysis and there's nothing wrong on his end either.

May 6, 2011 - 3:38pm
By HERWriter April 15, 2011 - 4:56pm

Welcome, Michelle,

Perhaps I'll use that idea for one of my next articles...the fear of miscarrying again.

I got pregnant barely three months after my D&C and enjoyed every kick and movement, but didn't really believe my baby was okay until they placed him in my arms. I carried the fear of either miscarrying or him being stillborn and wouldn't finally relax until I held him.

I'm not entirely sure that fear ever really goes away.

Can I ask why a fertility specialist? Although I'm assuming you've already been given a clean bill of reproductive health by an OB/GYN?

April 15, 2011 - 4:56pm
By April 15, 2011 - 2:25pm

Hi ladies. My name is Michelle. I'm 19 years old. I had a miscarriage in August of last year. I was 3 months. We bought everything for our child. Clothes (in all neutral colors), crib, changing table, toys, swings, bouncers, formula, bottles. Everything. I felt so guilty. My husband and I were just devastated. I was doing everything I was supposed to. I quit smoking the day I found out I was pregnant. I don't drink alcohol, never have. I took prenatal vitamins every day, I exercised regularly and I watched my diet. And I still lost my child. One month later, we found out my sister-in-law is pregnant. It absolutely broke my heart. I didn't leave my house for days. My husband and I didn't tell anyone we were pregnant. We were going to wait until we found out the sex of the baby first. So, when my sister-in-law made her announcement, I congradulated her and silently exited to my home. It has been 8 months since my miscarriage. My husband and I are still actively trying to concieve again. But, no luck so far. I'm going to see a fertility specialist next month, so hopefully that will speed up our process a little bit. I am very nervous that I will miscarry again. The thought just wont go away.

April 15, 2011 - 2:25pm
By HERWriter March 20, 2011 - 12:24pm

Actually you'll probably be interested in my next article, then, which is on what did I do?

Many women feel as you do: that they're a failure. Unfortunately, some people when they find out you've had a miscarriage may think you're a failure...which is a grave error. Perhaps that's why so many women keep it hidden is that they're ashamed.

The truth is you didn't do anything. Granted, sometimes babies are miscarried as a result of injuries sustained in a car accident or something, but these are not as common...and yet again, what could a person do?

I played soccer with mine through the first trimester. Those that are uneducated, ignorant or simply don't know any better might say that playing soccer was too rough an activity to do while carrying a baby. But it's what my body was used to.

I have no idea why I miscarried. I can make an educated guess -- I know it wasn't the soccer -- that perhaps my body's hormones weren't quite right to sustain a pregnancy, which I believe is the most likely case. I had been off birth control for a couple of months when I found out I was pregnant. So it certainly could have been the hormone levels weren't optimal. There is also the possibility and probability that something didn't happen as it should as the cells were dividing...obviously if that were the case there was nothing I could do about it.

I had a D&C and had heard stories about the "proper" cleaning that system gets and how easy it is to get pregnant after that. And we got pregnant almost immediately after (barely beyond the 3 month minimum). But the truth is I will never know why my baby died...and I have to let that go because it's not going to do me any good.

There is nothing you could have done and nothing you did do. And just because you've miscarried this time, does not mean you will miscarry the next time and it doesn't mean you will never have a child. While it's somewhat normal to be envious of those mothers with babies and those who seem to have no issues getting pregnant with a baby they don't really want, remember that you don't know their situation. Perhaps they tried for months and months before they were finally able to conceive. Maybe they had to go through fertility treatments. Maybe they decided to adopt because physiologically they were unable to have children. Like people mistakenly judge a mother for miscarrying, people also mistakenly make judgments about others who have what they so much want.

Continuing to let yourself dwell on it as you seem to be doing, can wreak havoc with your marriage and with your physiology and mental health. I know for those who struggled to get pregnant they often say we got pregnant when we stopped worrying about it.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. Keep us posted as you try again.

March 20, 2011 - 12:24pm
By March 19, 2011 - 7:57pm

I found out I miscarried out first baby on Jan. 4th 2011. I had been spotting for a week or so and was starting to freak out, but after going to my new OBGYN I felt relief that the spotting was normal, and the HcG test was just a precaution and to see how far along I was. I never thought she was going to call me and tell me it was a miscarriage. I had worried about that, yes, but I had this thought that it wouldn't happen to me. Which is stupid. Now that I have miscarried I know how common it actually is. But people don't talk about it, at all. And when they do, it's under their breath or whispered in each others ear. Anyways, I had to get a shot to dissolve the fetus because my Dr. was worried that a D & C wouldn't get anything that was small enough to possibly get into my tubes. It's a form of chemotherapy, so I was sick for a couple of days. Before I found out I was losing the baby I was bleeding, and I didn't stop for 35 days. I would say that was one of the hardest parts. Here I was trying to cope, trying to function at work and get my mind off of it, and I would have to go to the bathroom, and just like that, the sight of the blood was enough to make me burst into tears. I couldn't go shopping on some days. A couple of days after I found out, my best friend and I went grocery shopping together. Okay, for future reference, don't ever take a miscarrying angry woman to Walmart! Everyone was a target for my anger. I saw people whose kids didn't have coats on and looked poorly dressed for the cold winter weather and I would comment loudly on how wrong it was, because there are good people out in this world that would LOVE to put a coat on that kid. I saw pregnant teenagers and got even more furious...see, they can get pregnant and they are 15 and probably smoking crack, but I can't keep a baby in me>?! It was bad. I was embarrassing my best friend, and myself. We left without half the groceries we needed that night.
I also called the Dr.s office in a panic thinking that I caused the miscarriage because I treated a yeast infection from antibiotics I was on the week before I found out I was pregnant (and didn't think I was because I was on my period). The nurse had to put the Dr. on the phone to calm me down enough to get it through to me that I had NOT caused this to happen. I find her response unsatisfactory, even now, "it just happens sometimes." And I know that it does, but I need to know why.
It's been 3 months and it's still tough. We are starting to try again, and I am terrified! I have cried more in the past 2 weeks about this miscarriage than I did in the first 2. I'm so worried that it will happen again. I'm not sure I can handle another emotional bomb going off inside my soul.

March 19, 2011 - 7:57pm

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This group is for women who have suffered the loss of a child. This includes miscarriages, stillbirths, and accidents and crimes. This group is also open to women who have had abortions and still feel the weight of that decision. We also welcome women who have given up children for adoption because in a way they too have lost a child. So, whether you have actually held your baby in your arms or not come share your story of loss and survival with us. You never know how your experience can help someone else in theirs.


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