Anger and grief interfering with marriage/life
Hi. I am 31 years old. In June 2009 my dad found out he had prostate cancer. They removed his testicles and put him on the chemo pill. He was getting better. 9 months later, March 2010, my mom found out she had small cell lung cancer that metastasized to her liver. They couldn't do radiation because it had already spread to another organ. They put her on chemo and said it would not be cured, the chemo would only prolong her life. And the most would be a year. I lived 2 hours away from them at the time but I went and spent time with them every week and stayed a couple of days. My son was born July 2009 and my parents absolutely loved him! I became pregnant the same month my mom found out she had cancer with my daughter. The fall of 2010 my dad started becoming sick again. He saw different doctors but they all said the same thing, its the chemo pill making him feel sick to his stomach. He was constipated all the time, they would give him medicine but it wouldn't help. He would go back to the dr and they would give him an enema and send him home with no relief. My daughter was born December 2010, 4 days later my dad passed away. He had became impacted and his colon got a tear in it and it all leaked out into his body causing infection throughout his body. His organs began to shut down. Since I lived 2 hours away and had just given birth, I rushed to the hospital but by the time I got there he was on so much morphin he wasn't really able to talk. He saw my daughter for a minute and went into a coma. I stayed for a few hours and left to get the babies in bed at my brother in laws house. 45 minutes after I left my sister called to tell me that he was gone. I didn't get to say goodbye. May of 2011 my mom found out her cancer had spread to her brain. They did radiation to her brain and the tumors started shrinking. But the radiation made her so weak and tired they couldn't resume her chemo. September 2011, 9 months after my dad passed away, my mom passed away. I was there with her. She had went into a coma the day she passed away and I didnt tell her goodbye either. I have so much anger since losing them. I stay depressed alot. I have alot of guilt for not being there for my dad those last few weeks. I know it couldn't be helped because I lived away and it was time for my daughter to be born. When I hear about other people having cancer and their cancer going into remission, I think why did their cancer get to go into remission and my mom had to die. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad peoples cancer goes into remission, it just makes me angry that my mom wasn't that lucky. Or my dad. I feel an emptiness inside me since they passed away. I feel like I'm alone in this world. I know I'm not, I have a husband, 2 wonderful kids, brothers and sisters. My anger has gotten to the point that it's causing problems in my marriage. I can't talk to my husband, he's never went thru anything like this. So it all builds inside of me until I explode over something stupid. It causes us to argue alot. I've even thought about leaving him but I don't want to. He deserves better then a wife thats in pain, angry and down most of the time. He has even told me that these past couple of years I've been the biggest b**** and he keeps thinking I'll get past everything and be normal again but he doesn't see that happening. He told me he thinks I like being miserable. I don't like being miserable and feeling the way I do. I want to feel peace and happiness again. I just don't know how to get to that place. Any advice?