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Emotional abuse .pornography

By July 3, 2016 - 7:37pm

Hi. First let me apologize for my long long letter but i had to take it off my chest.
I have known my husband for 14 years now.we married after 7 years of dating( but not living together). It was an instant passionate love from the moment we met. He is 9 years older than me , a real mature man , for a 21 year old (virgin) he just swept me off my feet. After many many ups and downs we got married. And was happy for a while ,until i found out he sneaks out of bed into downstairs to the living room or our home office. It bothered me deeply when i confronted him he told me he wanted to watch tv and didnt want to bother my sleep. in other occasions he stated he used to working late so that nothing or noone (me) distracts him. Then he started not coming to bed with me . When i want to go to sleep he find excuses not to join in. After countless times, endless discussions and pointless arguments. I let go. 2 years went on like this. In an occasion we switched phones for some reason. He deleted everything before giving me his. Except that he forgot to log off his facebook . I didnt check the facebook but something caught my eyes. He received a message,i opened it to find out long discussions on daily basis with a colleague's sister he met only once.even Before reading i was furious. I dont remember going through the conversation but got the impression he was sort of explaining how no one understands him .(eventhough he often states that he is lucky that i m his best friend and wife.)
Next day i deleted the girl's name from his account. He was upset from me being paranoid and accused me of hacking the account .he changed his password. I let that go too. After a year of having my 1st daughter ,my younger sister while using our computer came across a constant daily history of porn. She left embarased but tried to assure me that its nothing probably stupid pop up windows . I sat down on that computer and reviewed all the sites and tried to see how far it goes back although the data went back for 6 months only,i knew it started way way back.i backed up the data and then confronted him. He started to be violent and told me it wasnt my business and as always i m.being paranoid and obssessed. Being embarased and ashamed for not being enough for my husband, i kept my mouth shut until he started acting strangely. He hid the cash from me and i wasnt allowed to withdraw money from his account.after given birth i didnt get back to work so i was penniless. When i couldnt take it any more and for the 1st time i told my mom about my financials. They were pretty mad coz while he stayed unemployed almost all his life with me, i was the one providing money ,even before getting married. And in times when we were tight i gave him my savings and right before i give birth, i sold my car.my mom interfered but he came out with explantion that i spent all his money and do not cook, do not clean, and was totally jealous all the time ,that he is suffering. All of a sudden my family took his side.
I was left alone , no financials, no support ... for 4 months i didnt leave my house. It triggered vitiligo on my face.
I was going down. I had a lawyer friend and decided to ask for advice. She adviced me to come up with a plan and act accordingly. To focus on myself and not on him. I started my healing process and after a while he came apologetically and i forgave him ... that was 2 years ago and now the history repeats itself all over again. I wanted to separate and leave him , but for the sake of my 2 daughters i was calm and focused. Financialy still i m penniless though never stopped working , always worked wth him and most of the time, doing all the work.
Family support is better since i told them about his porn addiction and his new female friend...
Now i m just waiting for him to sign up divorce, although in my culture , women and children are mistreated by the law , the monthly alimony is almost 250$ .though he will pay school and insurence but 250$ will hardly pay diapers and food.
I know there are a lot out there cases much worst. But it hurts me that being loyal was a big thing to ask from my husband.

By October 21, 2016 - 7:06am

Hi Lucia,

I am so sorry your going through this. I am going through a very very similar situation with my husband. Been married 16 years and we have 3 daughters that are school age. I have also discovered him withdrawing large amounts of money from his account and doing a lot of shady things behind my back. Working late hours until 1:00am in the morning when the business closes at 6pm. Going off on an evening after dinner and not coming home until late. He misses his own kids birthday parties and even holidays. My plan is to leave but not only is he very emotionally abusive I know he can be physical. I have to be very careful so Im planing on taking all of my stuff and most of the kids out of the house when he leaves town in a couple weeks. He will be gone for 2 days should be enough time to get it all out. And just like you I have very little income of my own. I have already made arrangements to move in with my parents temporarily until I can establish a better financial basis and move out into my own place with the girls. I know the first step is the hardest but I also know that if you can just take any action any step forward you will be able to change your life and your kids for the better. Once you take that first step and put your plan into motion amazing things will happen you have to stop second guessing yourself and just go for it. No matter how scary it may seem staying with him for another 10..15 years is even a scarier thought. So you need to find a place you can go for a few months maybe your family will let you move in with them.. or a friend,,or even another mom that is single and could share bills and rent with. Just dont give up and dont stay complacent you have to move forward in order to change your life for the better. I believe you can do it. Life can be so devastating at times but we have to keep looking ahead not behind. Push forward and keep trying you are strong and you are loved dont let him define who you are. You are one of God's children and you have just as much right to be happy on this Earth as anyone. God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers. :)

October 21, 2016 - 7:06am

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