Hi, I have joined today as wanted to share with you about my experience with this...
I am now 35 years old. 8 years ago, I met a wonderful, handsome, charming, funny guy and from the day we met, we spent all our time together. He was several years younger than me, but I am quite young-looking for my age, attractive, keep fit, great circle of friends... well, was/did! We agreed after the first year to get married on our 2nd anniversary, and we lived together almost immediately after we met - it didn't seem worth keeping up two homes when he was at mine every night. And sex (then) was wonderful and very regular indeed (although now looking back, it may have been in my mind, and he acted like a camera was on him with the face-pulling THAT is the only amusing thing about the whole sorry saga!)
About 15 months in to the relationship, the sex became much more infrequent. There was always an excuse, 'i'm tired', 'had a long day', 'cant we just cuddle' and the best one, 'We're going to be together for the rest of our lives, so not tonight, I've got a big day tomorrow'. The few times I tried to initiate sex, he would physically push me away. Let me just say, you can only do that so many times before you stop trying!
We got married. It was a wonderful day. As usual, he was holding my hand, my face in his hands, kissing... BUT it took 10 days to consummate our marriage. From there on in, if I ever tried to bring up the subject, if it wasnt an excuse, he's try to start a fight just before bed. Sex became once every 6 weeks if I was lucky, but he spent every night with me, holding hands on the sofa, rubbing my feet, stroking my hair - very tactile. BUT NO SEX. THEN I discovered his stash of pornography. OMG. Loads of it. Occasionally, there were 'lady-boys' (you know, the gorgeous ones with great bodies, and large penis's). Confronting him, he would say, 'Oh. my friend at work lent them to me, he thought I'd find them funny - I'll give them back'. Several months later, and I'd find more. Soon discovered he was spending every spare minute away from me watching porn. Then we got a computer. Same thing. I asked him if he was gay in a very sensitive way, giving him the opportunity to say either way. He said no. Six years after our wedding, and nothing changed, other than me feeling worthless, unattractive and simply a house-mate. I became obsessed as to why he didnt 'want' me, and looking for his 'secret'. He would masturbate daily in the shower (I caught him so many times!), and EVERY morning would show me his erect penis, saying 'wow, look at the size of that!' but would then just get up. I think back now and feel it was to deliberately frustrate me.
I remember talking to my best friend and shared with her what was going on. She immediately said that it wasn't right. She asked me if I thought he was having an affair. 'Of course not', is what I replied, as he would tell me every day (at home and many phonecalls throughout the day) that he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, was sooo attentive to me in public, in private he wanted me beside him all the time, and we would cuddle on the sofa. He never went out without me, and he didn't go out when I was at work as he just wouldn't.
Fast forward, and one day, he came home from work. He started shouting and being very frightening, and I simply had to ask him to leave. He wouldn't, so I did. I went away for a week, and when I came home, he went at my insistence to his sisters. I went on to the computer, and typed in his password to access his emails. Then my heart sank. Emails from his work colleague saying that she wanted him to leave me, as the last two years were the best sex she'd ever had. Then, there were about 8 dating sites, mainly bisexual sites, where he had messages from men (and women) all stating how they wanted to 'hook up AGAIN', details of gay meeting areas (public toilets) that he had agreed to meet with one man, and adverts on his profile stating he wanted to hook up with transvestites ALL IN THE AREA we lived and worked. He was particularly partial to the Local Swingers website. He described himself, his genetalia, his preferences, and stated he was divorced! After that, he soon was...
He is now living with the girl from work. They are getting married soon, but curiosity got the better of me some months ago (we split up 2 years ago). I went on to the sites he had been on, and low and behold, there he is again advertising for men / women and transvestites, for 'quick hook ups'. He describes himself as 'Divorced, I do have a girlfriend but have not shared this with her and I want to have some fun out-of-hours as it were'.
By the way, I did confront him about the sites, some months later when we spoke briefly. He initially said that his friend had set him up as a joke, then I obviously said what I knew, which he then turned to, 'I like looking at porn, that way you can see lots'. mmmm The internet is full of porn, I don't see why you have to advertise the size of your penis or that you are divorced to see it??!!! And besides, one of his sites he was advertising himself on was SingleWithKids looking for someone to share his life with, going for walks etc! No porn there...
The lack of sex was a massive thing to affect my self esteem, but that wasnt the only issue in our marriage. I think that I had issues with the sex (or lack thereof) as it was easy to identify, to put a label on it. Honesty, integrity, lies, manipulation are the main issue with infidelity. The extra-marital sex is a by-product of that. We should ALWAYS listen to our INSTINCT, that little voice we hear when something is not quite right. And, when in unhealthy relationships, we tend to ignore that little voice, or have someone tell us that our instinct is WRONG, and we believe them.
The BIGGEST lesson I learned throughout my marriage was that if there's a difference between what someone SAYS and what someone DOES (ie their actions) then this is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG, and it implies dishonesty. I believe that my ex husband simply cant be on his own. He chose me (and subsequently his soon to be new wife) as 'trophies', so he could lead a double life, like a 'window dressing'. By having a Trophy Wife (or girlfriend) no one would question having a double life, no one would believe it. And he will appear 'normal'... for want of a better word.

And I will leave you with a great quote: General Hindsight Never Lost A Battle

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Hi beingused,
Do you ask him "what's up with the phone use?" Is he playing games on it, or checking email and texting? hmmmmm...sounds like he's distracted for sure. That would be annoying.
At the end of the day, you have choices. You can try to talk with him, and figure out what's going on. You can work on getting back to a happy place with him, or you can decide this relationship is not for you and start looking into moving on with your own path.
122days is a long time for anyone, I think. Seems like you've got a roommate there. Did you go to Relate yet? How did that go?

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awwww,well tya so much Christine,for responding and letting me know! :(..... And well, that's exactly why I asked & waited..as I assumed that would be the case and I was just trying to be careful and do the right thing but also be here for "beingused"ya know? As I feel, for some reason, drawn to her situation... But, you are helpful ty. I hope she & you are doing well. Kp

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Well, it's monday morning,& I've been wondering how things are with you? I couldn't wait to check back to see if anyone let me know if I could share my phone number with you or not as I feel you could use an anonymous, friend-1-1 emergency #, on speed dial lol just in case.....but, I'm very discouraged this morning as I've checked in only to find there's nothing new. Nothing from the site, or from you. I'm concerned to know what's going on. As it is with my situation...just when it feels that somethings going to happen, somethings got to give, the dam is about to break....it gets worse!(worse as in better, prolonging the agony)....he will get to a point that he just wakes up and acts as if nothing is wrong and nothings been going on all this time (drinking/drunk,& only lasts for the day, but I cannot STAND THAT! I go along with it sometimes to break up the pain but its been 51 days since the last time we acted/pretended all was fine and just spent a normal day in or house. Biggest problem,....we have 2 children that suffer from the environmental retardation!! I have severe back problems from a car accident years ago,& last night was the 1st time I've slept in the bed (our bed)...in years! He made me feel that I needed to find somewhere else to sleep since he is the bread- winner,& I did. I go from the couch, to my daughters bed, to the floor...etc., but last night I went back to the bed& he wanted to know why I was invading "his" area? Wow....but.anyway, of course, this morning back to no speaking!& everything hateful, as he slept off the fog from the alcohol (superbowl sunday an all)..this morning, back to hating me as usual. So, I get on here to check on you and nothing.... :( pls I hope you check in soon it's my only sanity...lol but, seriously, I do look fwd to it... Hope you're okay an thee trip is yielding great results (no news is good news..??...) Let me know.. Here worrying about you... K.A. P. keep your chin up girl!

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Hi beingused,
I know you may feel like the writing is on the wall already, but try to enjoy your trip. Try to leave the pain and tears at home, and just have fun on your holiday. If it comes up, you can talk with your partner, but if you can make love (figuratively, and/or literally), do that instead. Be giving and loving...leave nothing on the table. Don't check up on him, be trusting, so you can be trusted. Focus on what's good in your relationship. Tell him what you love about him and what you love about you together. Look forward, not backward.
What do you think of that?

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