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Help - My boyfriend doesn't want sex but constantly find him on internet dating sites ...

By November 11, 2010 - 6:22am

I really don't know what to do or how to even think anymore and desperate for advice. I am (was) a self confident girl. Have my own business, very sporty, tall, blonde, good looking. I've even been called the 'Trophey' Girlfriend! I have been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. We moved in together at the beginning of this year. Last year I caught him on internet dating sites and active with them. After a week of split up we got back together as he told me someone had stolen his internet identity and it wasn't him. (yeh right!) So we got back together of which since then I have found him on worldwidewives.com, adultfriendfinder.com, maritalfling.com - the list goes on. I confronted him about these again and told him to not question my intelligence and that if I ever catch him on these sites again I am off. This is only just one of the issues though as our sex life is pretty non existent. He doesn't have a sex drive with me at all however I have now found the largest porn collection and have now found out from the BT bill that whilst I was out working he was lying at home watching adult porn tv!!! The bt bill doesn't lie!!!! He tells me 50 times a day he loves me and that I am his angel however he comes no where near me - I mean no where!!! I feel as though I have turned into his house mate and the person that funds a lovely life style. I have talked to him on many occasion about our huge lack of sex life of which he will put out and then that is it. I am now monitoring it and IF I can get him to have sex he becomes a dot on my sasco wall planner at work!!! But other than this we have the perfect little life together. Just a life of NO sex and one that he wants to constantly look at it - Just not take part. I now have the lowest self esteem, no confidence and feel inept. Why? Help? Getting to the end now of what is a very short tether.

By February 23, 2011 - 9:25am

Hey kandy hope ur day starting off ok sorry u had a bad one yesterday mine not so great but I'm still alive LOL!! If u don't mind me asking how old r u n ur kids especially if ur daughter is getting married? Another ? Is n the area u leave in they don't provide help for ppl n ur situation n even divorcing him u can't get allimony I don't understand why if u have proof that he's cheating. I just worry bout u n the state of mind ur n there got to b something don't give up ur life is not over yet remember this Tough times don't last but tough people do. Ill be praying

February 23, 2011 - 9:25am
By February 23, 2011 - 9:14am

You know, Kandy, a battered women's shelter may be just what you need to help you get on the right track. It would remove you from the situation, protect you from any further damage from your husband, and there often are counselors who can help you with everything from finding transportation, to knowing what steps to take. It may be worth it for you to check it out. If you are moving forward, I truly believe it will help every facet of your life and finally help you to get away from all the pain and suffering you're going through. Think about it, and let us know.
Here are some resources:
The National Domestic Violence Helpline -
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
This toll free number is available in all 50 states with translation available and help is offered for both men and women. Visit their website here: http://www.ndvh.org/

The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a detailed list of shelters, hotlines, networks and phone numbers in all 50 states. You can find all this here: www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html

February 23, 2011 - 9:14am
By February 23, 2011 - 6:45am

Ty so much,& yes.. I do feel somewhat better as that's the first time I've actually said that, out right, like that! Whew! But, yesterday was a bad bad day for me...todays a little better(feeling of total hopelessness).I have not been anywhere, as with everything else, I rely on him...he is a controlling person and I have an unpaid ticket and can't drive right now! Christine, this just goes round & round. I'm sure it would be easier if I had at least one friend or family member to help but, I don't! My father & my aunt were the only real ppl in my life I could go to! What in the world is Gods plan? Right now, my judgement is so clouded & I definitely can't see the forrest!...not fir the trees though,...but because of the blazing fire that has consumed every tree in it! And so, for now, it's just moment to moment..pray for me, pls.

February 23, 2011 - 6:45am
By February 22, 2011 - 8:51am

Hi beingused,
I'm glad you got this off your chest. I'm sure it was weighing you down somewhat. Did you ever get in touch with Relate and go for your appointment? Was it helpful? I really think that figuring out why you would allow this situation to occur in your relationship is key to finding future happiness in a relationship. You may have some self-esteem issues, or some other things to work out to get right with yourself. It has been said that you can't give love until you love yourself. Take care of yourself, get yourself to happy, no matter what that means, then you will know what to do. Focus on yourself. I know it's hard, and if you need to leave this relationship to do that, then you may need to consider it. Who knows what will happen with this man, but you can't save him if he won't change for himself.
Good luck! And keep talking here as needed.

February 22, 2011 - 8:51am
By February 22, 2011 - 8:38am

Well I finally broke down. Completely lost the plot, burst into tears - the works. I called my boyfriend home from work early - told him that I had been through enough and that was that. It was call it a day or sort yourself out. I gave him the 6 sides of A4 paper that I had written both sides of how he makes me feel. It's not a pleasant read. He sat just staring at me with nothing to say. I did all the talking and had to work really hard to even try and get a reply. He just sat there. He occasionally opened his mouth and said that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that he will try but we have gone 5 days now since this chat. Still no sex. I almost had to put the words into his mouth - asking if he has a sex drive of which he said yes!!! WEll not with me sunshine! I asked why he didn't want a sex life with me and he said he did!!!!! I asked if he was gay - he denied. I asked if he was having an affair - he denied. I asked what the problem is - He said there wasn't one. He said that I was pushing him away and that he now (that he thinks he may be getting his sex drive back !!!) doesn't know how to move forward. I told him of course I will have put my barriers up. It's hard to love someone that doesn't show you any connection or affection. It's like really giving love to a dog that you know is going to savage your face - you just wouldn't hug it would you? We have gone 131 days now with no sex! I said to him that he must go and see a doctor as it may be quite so simple as he has no sex drive. A worry perhaps that maybe there are further health issues. He says he will go but who knows - will he? I know now that he was the same with all of his previous girlfriends. The one before me left after 6 months of no sex. THe one before that after 3 months of no sex. The one before that after a year of no sex. So I can't see this being a physical problem - ???
It feels to me like it's more a pyschological problem. Or would someone just have a physical problem for that length of time and not do anything about it. I asked if he doesn't like sex of which he said he did. I asked if he thought sex was dirty of which he just looked at me. To cut a long story he said that he had a lack of sex drive but it was coming back - really?????
Well if it is he certainly isn't sharing it with me! The phone use still continues in the bathroom despite having said I am fed up of it. He almost seems quilty as he in the morning when getting ready for work picks up his phone and watch and tells me - ' got that and that'! When his iphone pings he looks at it on his email and tells me whatever spam it is - it's almost like a quilty consience. Anyway he now knows exactly how I feel. If I really am worth anything he will go and see his / my doctor. But now how long do I have to wait for him to do that. To be honest I am not convinced he will do anything about it. The way that he is with me and clearly with his previous partners show that this is just the way he is. And that he thinks it's acceptable. I'm not sure he can change. Or if he does try how long that will last. I would like to be proved wrong. In fact - he's just called and I have asked him - 'have you booked into see the doctor?' His reply 'no but I will'. What's the betting he comes back with some hayfever tablets and an enhaler! So what now? Where do I go now? What do I say to him now? HOw to move forward? Why is life so testing.

February 22, 2011 - 8:38am
By February 22, 2011 - 7:40am

sSry all I haven't responded...but somehow I couldn't get in to reply! I finally figured it out, lol.
Tonikasa, ty so much for caring enough to respond to me.As I stated previously..this site is my only feeling of togetherness I have with ANYONE! as, I am all alone...To answer your question honestly, I have been to court with this man once before and his lawyer beat mine & june was a WOMEN & CHILDREN'S ADVOCATE ATTR.FOR BATTERED & ABUSED WOMEN & CHILDREN! He had retried to run over me with or car with or son inside screaming don't kill mommy, don't kill mommy! The police arrested him, he spent 3 days in jail, they charged him with battery w/a deadly weapon etc., and they photographed my injuries etc., hurricane katrina hit within a week after that (I fled with him, didn't have any help/family/friends) then, things were ok through the scheme of all that (life changing situation & all)& then when the dust settled-back to mean,MEANER, than ever! So, I tried to call about the arres& records...YOU SITTING DOWN?-THEY HAVE NO RECORDS ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED!& worst part is he was court ordered AA & domestic violence counseling., etc., NO RECORDS-not so much as his arrest, my pictures, nothing! So, I don't have a leg to stand on. My daughter its about to get married in a couple months...my son wants to go live with “his diddy”(worships him me even though he abuses him too), and he don't want to pay me alimony! He is a very successful engineer@Northrop Grumman & makes $150k! I stupid by him this long for him to get where he is, etc.! But, its not that...I had a severe car accident a few years back & I can't/won't say on here (msg.me privately pls) but, I'm legally disabled from it, was dx'd 1yr ago.just problems that won't alow me to be able to work.I'm scared, alone, don't even know how to be alone or start over..but I want to be “FREE” from this lifestyle so badly, idk what I'm capable of doing tonikasa :.(..
I can not do this anymore! But, no longer for my kids you're right, ppl say, staying for the kids....but, what I should be saying is,“I'M LEAVING FOR THE KIDS”! BUT, the kids are not even am issue anymore! I'm his very own personal punching bag! I've been thru this with him, was sexually abused by my own brother as a child for over 5yrs(me & 9 other family children) then he shot himself, hurricane katrina (lost everything I ever owned), then 2 weeks post-katrina-got the call my father was dyeing of cancer, so I alone, took care of my father for the longest 57 days of my life, buried him, then mothers day morning lost my only aunt to cancer, then my own mother stopped having anything to do with me because her new husband (#12) said in my ear, "ummm, kandy...you smell good enough to eat!"I told her-(she didn't protect me from my brother & said I was lying about this)... She alienated from all family functions! Now my own husband is hopeless, abusive (SUCCESSFUL) CLOSET ALCOHOLIC...........MY KIDS ARE LEAVING ME!
HELP!!!! I'M A GREAT PERSON! I LOVE AND AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT BEING LOVE-ABLE! I can't write anymoreright now, I'm sorry. Ty , kandy

February 22, 2011 - 7:40am
By February 21, 2011 - 8:31pm

This is what I don't understand kandy he treats u bad he's cheating on u n u 2 don't sleep n the same bed don't communicate then answer me this why do u stay with him n live so unhappy n don't say its because of the kids u said u once work b4 n u can again to take u n ur kids out of the misery u all r n no one should b treat like that no matter how many years u 2 been together would u want ur daughter to think its ok 4 a man to treat her that why. Trust me I've been miss treated n have a daughter by him but I eventuly realize that it wasn't a life 4 me nor her n I didn't want her to think that's how woman should b treated so I got out n take care of both of us just fine. You have to love urself urself 1st

February 21, 2011 - 8:31pm
By February 21, 2011 - 8:45am

Thank you for coming back! You sound like you have been through a lot and have grown a lot since your breakup. You completely understand what I meant by "moving on". These things take time, as you said, and it's different for everyone. That's why I didn't want to make conclusions. I went through my own nightmare of a marriage in my late 20s. I was in counseling for a while, and did a lot of growth in my own way. I'm not sure all of it was healthy, but it was things I needed to do to get ready for the next relationship. Maybe I could've given myself more time to date, and be with myself longer, but I have always been a long-term commitment type of gal. A year was enough for me in between. Luckily, I didn't have any children at that time. I'm sure your daughter is a huge comfort and source of life and happiness for you. She is a good thing that came from those years.
Good luck, and thanks again for being here and sharing your story.

February 21, 2011 - 8:45am
By February 20, 2011 - 2:57am

Hello Christine,
Since my marriage ended, I have had quite a bit of counselling, I don't think I would have come this far had I not. Counselling per se however didn't work for me, as I didn't need to 'talk' (I have some fantastic friends and family who listened and understood) what I needed back then were tools as to how to deal with my feelings and emotions, and to make some sense of what I allowed myself to endure. I identified that it was a lack of self-worth, as why would I have put my own feelings on the back-burner, as it were. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was a whole bunch of other things, but as I stated in my earlier post, I could put a label on that, the other things have taken some time to understand. I didn't recognize myself when I came out the other end.

Friends and family were honest throughout my marriage, I chose not to listen. I bet loads of other people will identify with that here. Because for some reason we believe (nagging self-doubt, intuition aside) that we can rescue the tormented soul. We cant. We don't. They move on. We take time to.

Initially after we separated, I went on what is called a 'Pattern Changing Course'. The idea started in America, Ive been told. It deals with abusive behavior, and how we don't fall in to the same kinds of relationships again. We are all different here, and as I cited in my earlier message, my marriage ended not solely on the lack of sex. However, it isn't normal to be in a relationship where you are literally begging for intimacy, believe.And it doesn't get better on its own...

What has helped me and I still see her from time to time was a Clinical Hypnotherapist. This wasn't about my marriage, but my self-worth, confidence and self esteem. What she said on my initial consultation was that when we adults realize that we are only responsible for ourselves (and of course our children and people who can not be responsible for themselves, ie those who are mentally impaired) and that we are NOT responsible for other adults, we will build better relationships. We cant change others, only ourselves. We don't need to change for other people. Hypnotherapy can stop physical pain, and stop people smoking - heck, it works...

I am on my own now with my daughter. My daughter from our marriage. Just the one (I would like to make a joke here, but you may have already got it! :) I work full time, as I have to. However, when I am not, I have the most wonderful time with my daughter, and do things that I am sure she will remember for ever. Initially, I believed that I was a failure for not getting back in to a relationship, as I feel some people look at divorcees and believe that they cant have moved on since their breakup, as they are still alone. This is so far from reality. That was just in my head, and not the common thoughts of most.

I have had sex since my marriage ended, a great chap I have known for some time and sex was brilliant. It lasted a few months. However, he wasn't what I wanted or needed at that time, and we parted as great friends. And he made me feel whole, and like the woman I have come to be AND ALWAYS WAS...

So, hopefully I have answered your questions, and that although my confidence with relationships is obviously still not there, I am happier now than I was way back them, when discovering my marriage was NEVER going to suddenly get better, and knowing what I identified, I wouldn't have ever wanted it to. Although it took two years to understand this.

The last thing that I want to add is this: People (friends, family) say, 'move on'. What actually does 'move on' mean? If it takes a few weeks, months, or in my case, years, each day is not a wasted day, and it is a day closer to understanding and NEVER going to that dark place again - by darkplace, I mean where your self-confidence and self-esteem takes a bashing and you internalize ever problem with your partner as your own. During my 'moving on' I have built a super relationship with my daughter, and found me in a better and healthier place. So, should it take longer than you think to 'move on' (?!) then so what! There is no hard or fast rule as to when someone is ready, but there is danger in not sorting yourself out after an unhealthy relationship before the next.

February 20, 2011 - 2:57am
By February 18, 2011 - 10:35am

Hi happygilmore,
I'm sorry you went through that. Sounds like a nightmare. Glad you seem to have come through it. How are you? Have you talked with a counselor to work through how your ex-husband no-doubt effected you? It may be helpful, even now. How have you personally moved on since the breakup of your marriage? Are you with a new partner? This is personal, I know, and none of our business. So just share what you are comfortable sharing, and nothing if you're not.
Thanks for sharing your story and being a part of this group.

February 18, 2011 - 10:35am

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