Immunity for Relationship Ups and Downs: Be an Emotional Genius

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Many women pride themselves on being emotionally intelligent and, I must admit, I am no exception. Experts agree that women, in general, are more emotionally astute than their male counterparts.

If you feel that you have a high emotional acuity...would you go as far as to say you are an emotional genius in your relationships?

One woman was fortunate enough to be raised by an emotional genius, and has shared her words of wisdom in the book, My Mother's Rules: A Practical Guide on Becoming an Emotional Genius. The author is an extremely well-known woman, and may be the guru of relationship advice, Judge Lynn Toler, host of the Divorce Court.

Judge Toler shares her childhood experiences as the daughter of a father unable to control his emotions due to mental illness, as well as her experiences working with women in unhealthy and abusive relationships. She believes emotional education is necessary for all healthy relationships, and shares tips she has learned for all of us to become “emotionally well-practiced.”

As women, we tend to manage everyone's emotions, and we're pretty good at it! As emotionally astute as we are, we still need to check-in with ourselves, and look for areas of improvement. How can we become emotional geniuses in our lives and relationships?

Learn to Lose
It is OK to lose. The object is not in “winning” at the relationship tug-of-war, but in finding out who you are, what types of people bring out the best in you, and knowing what you need in your life and relationships. The fight you have is with being your best: the best friend you can be, the best person you can be. You need to learn to lose, so that you can become emotionally stronger and not threatened that a particular person or situation is “causing” your low self-esteem.

Make an Effort
Books abound about how to be happy, how to pursue happiness. The fact is: sometimes you aren't going to be happy. You can learn lessons during frustration or sadness. You can try harder. You can run faster. Or, you can slow down and gain perspective. If everything is easy, seamless and provided for you, you will not have made the necessary effort, gaining invaluable life skills through the tough process. Hint about those “life skills” I mentioned: those are the coping skills needed to truly appreciate what “happiness” is.

Develop a Strong Sense of Purpose
Change your scope. Your sense of scope can expand to be larger than your corner of the world. You are bigger than the relationship you feel stuck in. You are bigger than school or work. If you blame others for where you are at, you might get some empathy. If you accept responsibility, you gain control. You have the ultimate control in deciding where you are going, how you are feeling, and how you are going to get there.

Misunderstanding Fears Lead to Misinterpreting Desires
What is your fear: to lose this guy, to not win in the relationship-game... or that deep down you are not relationship-worthy? What is it that you are really afraid of, and why are you holding onto these unchecked fears? Your fears can lead you to misinterpret your desires: to be with this one particular person who is not treating you all-that-well, or to remain in a degree program or career that does not bring you genuine joy. If your deepest fear is feeling alone, unwanted or “not-good-enough", begin understanding your fears: why they are holding you back, or confining you to an unhealthy relationship?

Watch Your Superlatives!
What?! That's the hardest thing to do, ever! [dramatization intended]. Your emotional tolerance will go up as your superlative use goes down. The rest of the world can affect your emotions, but you are still the one who will ultimately determine what your emotions will be. If a certain feeling is not serving you well, put new procedures in place to address your unwanted emotions.

Finally, as Judge Toler observed about the people she sees in court, “regular people get caught doing irregular things, mainly because they have lost sight of their emotions."

You can increase your emotional intellect by becoming a Manager of Your Emotions, which is the best immunity for your relationship and life's ups and downs.

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Alison Beaver View Profile Send Message

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.