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In a time when an increasing number of couples are eager to live together before marriage, a unique trend is occurring: married couples are choosing to live apart after marriage. Called "living apart together", or "LAT", couples who happily and mutually choose this non-traditional living arrangement cite many reasons, one being LAT has improved their relationship, as they can be committed, exclusive and still independent.
Living with another person is difficult at times, especially someone you love. Not only do the everyday demands of laundry, dishes, cooking, bills and other chores take away any feeling of romance or spontaneity, this person makes other demands on your personal time and space. Remember the days when you were just dating your beloved, and how much fun it was to get ready for the date, anticipate the fun evening ahead, and call your friends to talk about the details? Now, once you are married, this butterflies-in-stomach feeling of anticipation is gone, and the reality sets in that this person is there. Always.
Not only do you need to compromise, negotiate and share constantly with another person, it is difficult for many couples to regain the surprise, spontaneity and romance when they are together day-in-and-day-out. Jokingly, a few of my girlfriends and I have talked about how great it would be if our husbands lived next door. We could see each other whenever we wanted, there is still all the commitments, but we could decorate the way we wanted, not have the stress of preparing meals that another person may not like, not have to worry if one person is a clean-freak and the other one is messy. You could send the kids next door to play, while you get some much needed alone-time in your own house.
Happily-married couples who go beyond the fantasy and actually choose LAT describe how this plays out in their life. (One note: these couples are 100 percent in love and faithful to each other; it is not being used (in this context) as one-step away from divorce...quite the opposite!) Some couples marry later in life, and each want to keep their respective houses. Other couples have such different styles of living that they could not possibly meld, from an early-riser-and-night-owl combo, to another couple who have very different tolerance levels for noise levels and visual distractions (music and TV, for instance). They either live across the street, or one lives in the country while the other lives in the city. Jobs and places of work contribute heavily to this choice, as commute times and long work hours may make it easier to live near work Monday-Friday, and live together on the weekends.
Beyond convenience, some couples have such strong preferences related to lifestyle. One prefers quiet country setting in a spacious home, the other the excitement of a downtown loft. Do you prefer to read quietly with light low and soothing music and a glass of wine after a stressful day, while your husband's idea of stress-relief is sharing a 6-pack with his friends, watching a sports game (LOUDLY!) on television? It is during these incompatible moments that LAT may look like the greener grass on the other side of the fence!
The benefits, in theory, are definitely there--but at what cost? Do you think these preferences should be worked out before marriage, and are potential deal breakers if no compromise is found? Are you and your spouse thinking about LAT as a viable option? I would love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences!
Add a Comment25 Comments
We have been an LAT couple for almost 2 years now and have no plans to change. We were together (committed, not living together) for 17 years before we married; we are both older, both with our own (fully paid-for) houses, and we like it that way! I want his children to inherit the house they grew up in, and I don't particularly want to live there! It's the ideal solution for us. We are best of friends, happily married, and enjoying our LAT life.
May 18, 2011 - 2:44pmThis Comment
I am a 3rd year student in University of Bristol and my Disseration studies women who are in LAT (living apart together relationship). Would you be interested in participating in interview regarding your experience in LAT relationship.
March 2, 2015 - 7:33amIf you are interested can you please contact me on [email protected] and I will give you detailed explanation of my research.
Thank you for you time
Polina
This Comment
I think LAT makes sense for the right couples. I'm finishing up a documentary film, "Two's A Crowd," about one such couple in New York City. The film will premiere sometime next spring. www.gloamingpictures.com/crowd.htm.
November 21, 2010 - 11:01amThis Comment
I think LAT is a good option. I am currently considering entering into this type of relationship. I am a 49 year old widow. My husband died 12 years ago. I started dating and ultimately started living with a great man. He is raising his 2 daughters age 22 and 15. I however no longer have children at home and have been on my own for the last 10 years. Though I very much love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I do not want to raise children again. I have come to enjoy the advantages of not living with children. I find myself very resentful and angry when his kids invade my space or don't clean up after themselves. I think I have lived alone for too long to now live with others. I learned to be alone without being lonely. I have become set in my ways and living with teenagers feels unfair to them and me.
November 13, 2010 - 3:15pmThis Comment
I think LAT is a good option. I am currently considering entering into this type of relationship. I am a 49 year old widow. My husband died 12 years ago. I started dating and ultimately started living with a great man. He is raising his 2 daughters age 22 and 15. I however no longer have children at home and have been on my own for the last 10 years. Though I very much love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I do not want to raise children again. I have come to enjoy the advantages of not living with children. I find myself very resentful and angry when his kids invade my space or don't clean up after themselves. I think I have lived alone for too long to now live with others. I learned to be alone without being lonely. I have become set in my ways and living with teenagers feels unfair to them and me.
November 13, 2010 - 3:12pmThis Comment