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Special occasions like Mother's Day can be full of surprises at my house.
Things have gotten more predictable in recent years but at one time, I often celebrated (if that's the word I want) from my bed or huddled in an easy chair.
I have lived with a condition that has gone by many names over the years.
It has been known as chronic fatigue syndrome, or CFS. Before it was CFS, and then again afterward, myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, was the name. Then we combined the two like so — ME/CFS.
The name wrangling is, even after decades, startlingly still going on. That is a story for another day. But whatever you want to call it (I have settled on Ramsay's disease for now) this condition has made times of celebration a mighty challenge.
Does your mother experience limitations to her life because of a chronic illness? Sometimes it's hard to know what you can do for her. So many of the standard gifts and treats just don't apply.
Does she have any food allergies or sensitivities? Maybe chocolates or cake are out. Don't worry about getting her something that seems like a Mother's Day thing. Aim for something she likes that fits between her food restrictions and you can't go wrong.
Many moms love to cook for their families, and for some that even extends to cooking on Mother's Day. But if your mom isn't well, Mother's Day would be a great time to cook for her, or order something in.
Paper plates can be a time and energy saver. If you don't have them, if you and the other kids were to do the dishes and make things nice afterward, she will consider that a sweet gift as well.
Does she wear out fast? A gentle, peaceful day will be more appealing to her than going out to eat, or having a big party with lots of noise and people.
If lots of people comes with the deal because they are all her family, don't send anyone away! But if you can make sure there is a room she can go to if she becomes worn out or overwhelmed, she will be better able to enjoy all the attention.
Build in breaks for her in the proceedings. Try to keep it down to a dull roar.
Is she hampered by pain, stiffness, or both?
Many times my kids have brought their smiles and gifts to a mom who couldn't move in her chair. I've had a tendency to cripple up from time to time. Sometimes it's a bad knee or a swollen foot. Other times it's been an arm and hand — or both arms and hands.
So much for dressing up for the occasion. In those circumstances, if I can manage a clean housecoat, that is something they have all become used to over the years.
If dinner doesn't require much manipulation of knives and forks, Mom might enjoy the meal more. Otherwise, someone to cut her food, to serve her meal onto her plate and be ready to run for seconds can make a real difference.
Should you say anything about her illness, about her pain? Yes. Yes, you should. Will it make her self-conscious? Maybe. But you should ask her about it anyway.
A crippled or sick or worn-out mom may be what you as her child are used to seeing. But every day is a new experience in frustration for her, and that is especially true at holidays and celebrations.
So even if you've asked her how she is, and have listened to the same litany of problems, by all means do it again. It may not be new, but it still gets all over everything in her life. Living like this is something she will never "get used to" and it helps to know someone cares about what she is going through.
Holidays with chronic illness can be tricky, complicated, and messy in so many ways. But it is worth the extra trouble, planning and organizing and your Mom will appreciate the love that you put into it all.
Visit Jody's website at http://www.ncubator.ca
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