No sex or relationship question is too embarrassing because it’s time to ask EmpowHer’s sexuality expert – Dr. Marty Klein, anything.
An anonymous woman on EmpowHer writes in to ask Dr. Klein, “My husband has no sex drive. When we have sex, it’s mechanical instead of the glorious lovemaking I would like to give him. Dr. Klein, should we see a doctor?”
Dr. Marty Klein:
It’s always disappointing when two people in a couple have a different vision of what kind of a sexual relationship they are going to have, and sometimes what that couple needs is to talk frankly about “Okay, why do you want sex so much less than I do?” And if you can get the other person to answer honestly, sometimes you can fix the problem yourself, assuming that it’s fixable at all.
Sometimes men have low desire because they are anxious about their erections, and they are afraid to get started because they are afraid that they are going to fail miserably--their expression, not mine, by the way. Sometimes people have low desire because, you know, the sex is just kind of boring, and who in their right mind would be high desire for a boring experience.
Sometimes people have low desire because they are angry or because they feel lonely in a relationship or because they feel frustrated or humiliated. So this is really a pretty common experience in long-term couples that one person wants to have sex much more or much less than the other. And if you can have an honest conversation with your husband about why he doesn’t want to have much sex with you, then you may be on the way to fixing it.
On the other hand, he may tell you the truth, and you guys may realize, “Hmm, we’ve got a problem here that’s not going to get solved,” like ”I am not attracted to you,” or like ”I am just not that into sex with anybody,” or like ”I think that sex is creepy,” or "I think God hates my penis.”
So if you can get him to talk honestly about why he is not that interested in sex with you, you have a shot at perhaps fixing it yourself, but most couples find that professional help is really valuable because most people who have low sexual desire, if they were able to talk about it, they already would, and the fact that they don’t means that it’s going to be really difficult to do that.
So hopefully a marriage counselor or sex therapist or a psychologist, maybe even a progressive clergy person would be helpful.