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Am I in a healthy relationship?

By November 27, 2009 - 12:11pm
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we have been together for about 3.5years and for the first year an a half things were great. We had an excellent sex life and we were happy, we had moved in together and go a puppy and we were doing really well and were geniunely happy. Then out of no-where he decided that he didn't want to have sex anymore until we were married because of religious reasons. He took me out to dinner and told me and said he would understand if I wanted to leave. I told him I would not leave and that I would stick by him and we would get through it. However, every once in a while we would let things get out of control and we would "slip up". Then about 6 months later he asked me to marry him and I said that I thought we should try and get more established before marrige and that we were too young ( I was 21 and he was 23 and we were both in debt and were renting). This turned into a big fight that went on for days. Him saying that it didn't matter how old we were because we loved each other and we always would. He was saying that my desire for "things" was affecting my decsion and that I should only care about marrying him and not about how I do it. He told me that if I wouldn't marry him I may as well call it quits. He said that the only reason I wouldn't was because I wanted to hang on to the ability to just leave him if I change my mind about how I feel and then I would be wasing his time. So I agreed to marry him and since have actually wanted it, but it seems like since I have agreed he doesn't feel that it is an urgent matter anymore and is no longer in a rush to get married. Then about 3 months ago we "slipped up" and the next morning he told me that he feels we are "already married" and that we only need the ceremony for legality as we are committed to one another and sharing everything and living together. So we started having sex again and only when I initiated and he felt like it so there were alot of times where I initiated but he didnt feel like it so after a long time of me trying to initiate sex and getting rejected I started feeling low about myself and I had found in our search history alot of porn and when I asked him about it he got mad and defensive I tried to explain to him that i was upset because I was always ready and willing to have sex but he always rejects me then watches this porn and looks at pictures of actresses naked and that hurts my self esteem and makes me feel less than. When I told him this he blamed me and said it was my own issues that made me feel that way not anything he was doing and that I had to deal with that. then later he confessed a porn addiction to me we watched a video together and there has been no talk sense. and anytime I try to bring it up he says I am throwing it in his face and that he will deal with it he has been this way since a very young age and it is not up to me to figure it out for him. He just thought I should know what he was struggling with and then leave him to his vices? So about 2 months ago he told me that he missed our old sex life and that he wanted it back the way it was. I used to be very enthusiastic and always initiating the sex but now I am having trouble being that way because of being rejected and walking on eggshells within our sexual relationship for the last year. I did however suggest that we visit an adult store together and pick out some toys and things he would like to see me in and he told me it was my responsability to figure those things out. So I have been trying to initiate sex every nite for the last month and have gotten no response I have bought sexy lingere and wore it in front of him to no avail. I even sent him a very spicy sexy email about what I wanted to do to him while I was at work and he was home.(i did this b/c we used to text sexy msgs back and forth all the time in the early relationship and I thought I could bring it back.) I know he read it but he didn't respond or show any sign of wanting me to act it out. Also he never initiates sex!, also he never touches me in desire like he used. Like if i was washing the dishes he would come up behind me and slap or grab my butt but he hasn't done this in years. I cannot even remeber the last time we had an open mouth kiss. even when we are having sex he barely kisses me. He also seems very distant when he hugs me sometimes and I try to kiss his neck and he laughs and pulls away. He also showers with the door locked and I can't seem to remeber if he has always done this or not. I ask him to shower with me and he wont. I ask him have a weekend getaway just the two of us and he says we can't afford it even when we can. He is more picky and irritable with me, we fight over the most stupid things. He calls me a liar constantly and I don't lie to him. He condems me for liking girly shows and says they are mindless as well as reading fiction. he says they are just stories nothing in them matters. Like last nite we were talking about somehting he heard on the news about the Whitehouse crashers and said they were from the show "the real-housewives of DC" but didn't have any political affiliations. And I said it's not First-Wives its Housewives. and he was like I know but of DC and doesn't that make you think Politics. I said no because of the other housewives shows such as New York and Orange County and then he said I dont think your right google it i watch the news! as if him watching the news somehow puts him above me on knowing whats going on. We have talked about the sex many times and nothing seems to be working. I am at my wits end and am tired of feeling so lonely. I fall asleep in the bed next to him feeling as if I am all alone. I'm sorry for the long msg but I just wanted to get the full picture. and I am sorry if I am all over the place with it but I had alot of stuff I had to get off my chest.

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you for your story Lonesome. There appears to be so much going on in your relationship that you are questioning. It is hard to sort out everything at once. Is it the lack of sex that is causing you to write in and question your feelings? This appears to be the main focus of the discussion so I will try and comment on that.

The first thing I would ask you to do, (as I am assuming you are back to sex time), is have sex 7 days in a row with your mate. No holds barred and put your feelings aside. Ask him to join you in the sex-capade. This week of enjoyment tends to release all the tension of being turned down, not having sex for a period of time due to his beliefs and see what happens. Even if it is only a 2 minute sex-capade, just do it.

Many psychologists will try this method as it tends to break up the monotony of 'who initiated the sex' and so forth. Each day, one or the other initiates. Like I mentioned earlier, no holds barred. Don't take anything personal for one week and as Michael Jordon coined, “Just Do It!”

I hope this helps out the relationship. If there is something else that you want us to mention specifics about, please let me know. I know that just writing this question probably made you feel better.

Please keep us updated.

November 28, 2009 - 10:30am
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