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Are My Expectations Unrealistic?

By February 18, 2010 - 2:15pm
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I have been with my boyfriend for just over three years now and I am questioning our compatability.

When our relationship began the two of us were inseperable and you couldn't tear us apart if you tried. We enjoyed our time together, our time with eachother's friends, our time with eachother's family... The relationship continually progressed until we moved in with eachother.

Once we lived together I immediately felt a decline in the progression of our relationship. I instantly felt as though my boyfriend was regretting his decision to move in together but was taking his feelings of regret out on me instead of having an honest, open discussion with me about it. We were fighting constantly, going weeks without speaking to eachother and going months without having sex (we are in our twenties). Eventually, I moved into my own apartment.

We are still together and as we are no longer living in close quarters and no longer seeing eachother as often as we once were (especially seeing as we both work two jobs) the fighting has gone to a minimum, however I just feel that our relationship still has absolutely no passion or romance.

I am a very passionate person and intimate person. I grew up with parents who were very passionate and intimate with eachother and have taken on that trait whereas my boyfriend grew up with parents who, although they physically lived in the same home, were not really "together". They had separate bedrooms, never sat on the same couch, didn't hug, didn't kiss.... Because of this I have been very patient as I understand that he was never shown how to be romantic or how to be passionate. However I feel that after three years of communicating with him he still doesn't act upon my needs. Now, when I try to even start a conversation about it I am told that I am needy and demanding & that "life is not a romance novel" or "life is not an episode of the bachelor".

My boyfriend doesn't enjoy making out. When we have sex, he does not enjoy foreplay. He doesn't enjoy having sex as often as I do. Although he knows that I do not reach climax during intercourse (only during oral sex), he rarely performs oral - despite the fact that I perform oral on him several times per week. He has a great sense of humour but it's to the point where even when he's telling me I'm pretty or telling me he loves me, he says it in this joking tone. Sometimes what I need is for him to look me in the eye and seriously say "You're beautiful and I love you".

I love deep passionate kisses and I can't even remember the last time I had one....

I have tried everything to bring romance into the picture - lingerie, candlelit dinner, etc etc. It's just not working... How long do I keep trying??

My boyfriend looks great on paper - he has a great job, drives a nice car, buys me nice gifts, is respectful (most of the time)... He's not jealous, he is trustworthy... But it's all the little things that mean so much that are missing.

I feel as though I am falling out of love. Could it be that although he is a great guy, he's just not great for me?

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I hate to be negative about relationships because I do think many things can be worked out but in your case, it seems as it is time to move on. From what you say he is not very interested in pleasing you at all-- whether it is sexually or emotionally. Just because on paper he appears to be a catch, doesn't mean he is one.

You have put up with a lot because of your parents' living arrangement. With all due respect, that's no way of living and many older generations deal with it because of their vows and upbringing-- not because they are in love and that does not make it right.

When you try to talk to your boyfriend and he says "life is not a romance novel" absolutely not, it's absurd to even compare the two but that doesn't mean that you should not be happy in a relationship. Your relationship seems to have taken a few steps back and just continues to move backward instead of forward. If there will be no communication on his part, you seem to be a perfectly capable woman to make it on your own. Nice gifts? Nice car? all superficial things that either you can buy yourself or someone in the future can provide for you-- they, as you can see, do not provide happiness in a relationship. Being respectful most of the time doesn't cut it either; there should be no reason for disrespect and based on your story, he seems arrogant and your relationship one-sided.

I think if you take the time to sit down, read your own story, and realize that you are young and you will find someone who values you and gives you the love you deserve the answer will be pretty simple. Don't expect for things not to change from the beginning of your relationship, they always do. But make sure that the change is manageable and that love, trust, and respect are all still there.

February 19, 2010 - 7:53am

And just to add - yes, I have openly discussed and communicated all of this to him. But again, everytime I try to bring it up now (no matter how I bring it up) he tells me I am needy and demanding....

February 18, 2010 - 2:19pm
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